Lennon’s birthday is coming up, I have no clue when God and he will decide for him to make his entrance but I’ve been working hard on making his arrival as peaceful and loving as possible.
I’ve prayed,studied my affirmations, continued to practice my lessons from hypnobirthing and was feeling super peaceful until. …yesterday. during my 37th week check up the doctor said Lennon still seemed high in the birth canal and he wanted to do an ultrasound at the next visit because he’s seen some “surprise” breech babies.
Wait.what? To my knowledge he’s been head down since my 4d ultrasound in October. Could he have changed? This means a c section right?
I left the doctor confused. I mean I’ve never had surgery so that scared me, but worst of all I never saw me seperated from Lennon. After i had Daniel he was placed on my chest and I was able to keep him with me the entire stay. I was shooting for a non medicated birth little to no intervention. So…this made me sad. More than sad, I was afraid.
I realize now that regardless of the path to get Lennon here it’s important that we do it safely. I don’t want to go into his birth afraid regardless of the type of birth. He can still sense my stress and my anxiety.
God tells us do not be afraid. From what I’ve been told it’s in the Bible 365 times (one for everyday of the year), I personally haven’t counted but I think that’s pretty cool if it set up that way..
Fear is not real, we imagine all these horrible scenarios that may or may not happen. And honestly even if the something bad happens it’s amazing to me how God’s grace covers you and empowers you.
I’ve had issues, pains and losses i thought I would not recover from abd yet..here I stand. So..im trusting God for a peaceful birth, a wonderful welcoming of my second born (third total) and for God to guide all doctors and nurses that we will come in contact with.
In God’s Hands
Two of my big goals this year focus on re-directing my thinking. One was to get a handle on my road rage. Drivers make me so angry because it puts me in danger. But letting my anger take me over is not healthy nor is it very Christian. So my first step was to tell myself that these people weren’t trying to hurt me and put myself in their places. I thought of reasonable excuses why they would do certain activities that might be dangerous. I also asked God to help calm my heart. Rerouting my thoughts came pretty easily—unless I’m not feeling well. I fail miserably then but I keep pushing.
I am also working on my cynical nature. I find it interesting that I have such issues. I work in an industry that requires empathy, understanding and passion. But when people talk or I read articles and things I always jump to not believing them. This doesn’t happen with those I am close to. I have learned that I can trust them.
Part of it comes from not being able to trust and life teaching me that people do not have your best interest at heart. Disappointments have hardened my heart. And now it’s time to soften it; to work on trusting humanity as a whole instead of just a handful of people who have earned it.
This is slow going but I catch myself. It happens the most when I’m reading. Prime example: I’ve been reading a horse book, and when people claim all kinds of things, I just v roll my eyes and say “yeah right!”. But these things can be done, and I shouldn’t just jump to conclusions that they are lying, boasting or exaggerating.
So these goals are coming along. I just keep my eyes on God and keep pushing to be a better Christian.
Fall is officially here and as I’ve written about many times before fall is my season for change. Some big changes always happen around this time. I’ve found out about new jobs, new babies, got engaged, lost a baby, etc. all during this season.
This fall/winter I am looking forward to bringing new life into the world through my precious Lennon. I haven’t talked much about preparing for birth and since one of my goals is complete turn around in my thinking, I thought I would share my thoughts.
I’ve been working on mentally preparing both my body and mind for birth for about two months. I’ve been working on some hypnobirthing techniques and am really empowered and encouraged by what the mind can do. I plan on a completely natural birth with Lennon and look forward to the experience. I had a pretty unassisted slightly medicated birth with Daniel and I hate I didn’t stick to my original plan. I planned to do a completely natural birth with him, but after 6 hours of labor I asked for pain meds intravenously. If I had really been focused I would have realized that the closer contractions meant my baby was coming, but I panicked and actually stopped breathing through the contractions which in turn caused more pain. The pain meds actually did little to alievate the pain, it just calmed me down and slowed my contractions which probably prolonged my labor.
Side note – I’m not one of those women who looks down on other women who have medicated births or have no desire whatsoever to even try natural labor. Your experience is just that, yours. As long as the baby and you make it through the journey happy and healthy more power to you.
I also will not feel guilty if I do decide to get pain meds either; a birthing plan is just that..a plan and can be altered at any point.
For me, this is more about empowerment. I was unable to do anything with my pregnancy with Baby Smith, absolutely everything was out of my control. I’m hoping through Lennon’s birth I’ll be better at being my own advocate, which I did not do previously. I felt I should have asked more questions and not have ensured the 4 plus weeks of emotional and physical pain I endured during that time. But thats neither here nor there.
I just want trust that God has equipped me with everything I need in my doctors, support system and most importantly in my own body.
Here’s to a healthy delivery #5moreweeks
I can’t tell you how excited I am to see November 1, October seemed so very long. One reason was because my sweet son Daniel had a bout of seizures on October 12. I was awakened at 140 am to Daniel seizing in his sleep, now if you followed my story you will note back in March 2012 Daniel had a febrile seizure. Which he’s had about 4 more since then. I know exactly what to do. Time the seizure, take his temp, give him motrin and monitor him for 24 hours.
So, I watched over him while he seized (so hard to do) and took his temp…his temp was normal. This sent up red flags. I immediately called Children’s Hospital, my mother and Ladarren so I could figure out what to do. We decided the best course of action was to bring him in immediately. By this time Daniel was back to his normal self calling me names and being goofy.
We head to the hospital not knowing the entrance we always used closes at 9 pm, we arrived before 3am. While walking to find the next entrance, Daniel has another seizure. Thank God I was holding his hand or he might have hit his head on the concrete. All I could do was cry. There was a gentleman who was leaving work at the hospital that Ladarren chased down to ask him for directions to the emergency room entrance. Thank God for him as well. He got into a vehicle with strangers and guided us to where we needed to be. Once inside they take Daniel’s vitals and the waiting game begins.
We get a room 40 minutes later and wait some more. They monitor Daniel for several hours and he seems ok. At 9am they discharge us, I am signing my last paper when Daniel has another seizure. That’s 3 with NO fever, I knew something was really wrong. The great thing about this one is, the nurse witnessed it and timed it.
Long story short we were referred back to the neurologist and after testing Daniel was diagnosed with childhood Epilepsy. The big “e” word, something I honestly feared from his first febrile seizure. I couldn’t believe the diagnosis. The good thing is Daniel could potentially grow out of this (which is my prayer), but even if he doesn’t I needed to not be afraid. The first few days afterwards, I didn’t let him do his normal activities, which was probably like prison for a very active 4 year old.
I soon realized that I couldn’t let the diagnosis change Daniel’s world, that’s worse than the actual diagnosis. Do we need to be more alert Absolutely, but I Don’t want fear to limit him. I prayed, did research and had a dear friend connect me with another mother whose son has epilepsy as well.
God allows certain trials and although I enjoyed the ignorance of not having the actual label for the disorder before, that changes nothing. This is what we deal with, this is our lot. He now takes s daily medication and seems to be totally fine. He may never have another. I will never know for sure, but regardless I entrust him to my Heavenly Father
Prayer Warrior Mommy,
Spoontober: a month for those with chronic illnesses (often called Spoonies) to focus on the positive aspects of life with chronic illness. Most of my daily posts had to do with how much I have learned about myself, my loved ones, and the world. Here’s a short list about the clarity that I have acquired.
- People do care. When I was first having issues, everyone knew someone with lupus or another autoimmune. Everyone had a cure: paleo diet, acupuncture. It drove me crazy until I realized that they were just relating to me, they were just offering advice because they cared.
- Not all things work for everybody, and I need to stand up for my rights. I have been through a handful of doctors till I found one who took me seriously, and now I have a team that works closely to make sure I am in the best health. I’ve gone off caffeine (mostly) to help with muscles spams but am also taking medication that gives relief as well. I’m not gluten intolerant and don’t need to go that far with my diet, but I have been trying to eat healthier. I’ve cut out high fructose corn syrup in my drinks to help manage my weight. Not all these things will work for others while certain diets and procedures that worked for them will not necessarily work for me.
- I know what true love is. It’s people standing beside you in those ugly times. The people who don’t judge you when they have to help you to the bathroom or put your pants on. True love is acceptance and can come from anyone. It’s not just romantic love.
- I am stronger than I ever anticipated. I still work full time and have an active social life. I take strides to be as preventative as possible. I rest when I need to. I say “no.” The strength to not give into the depression that comes with that could move a mountain. And guess what? That is IN ME. Who would have thought?
- Sometimes there a perks that make my life easier (even easier than life without disease). I am able to park in the handicapped parking (which I only do when I’m having a bad day and can’t walk far). My scooter access gets me to the head of lines at Dragon Con because I can’t maneuver in those small spaces. This is little things that just make me happy. I’m not being selfish; I am just enjoying things that make my difficult life a little easier.
- Lastly, and probably the biggest thing, I have learned, even more apparently, through God all things are possible. I have seen him do so much for me and through me. He has sent me people to take care of me, doctors who give me several ideas on how to take care of myself, the strength to keep pushing, and answered prayers. Through this time, I have been reminded just how good God is.
Don’t feel sorry for me. That s never the point of my stories. I want to be an encouragement to others. I want to be an advocate for a string of diseases not many people know anything about. I want to be more than someone with the chronic illness label. I am a crusader, and I thank you for following my journey.
Every few months, I go through a phase where I freak out about something. I wish I could say that freaking out is one of the last things that I do but it isn’t. I’ll admit more often or not, it’s still the first thing. However, after my mini freak-out session(s), I will pray and start thinking positive thoughts. The one that that has been beneficial to me is to actually remember what God has already done for me.
I haven’t made a physical list so I thought this would be a good time to.
1. My credit score isn’t the best but I prayed and went to the dealership this past December and just put it in my mind that if it was meant for me to leave site with a care I would but if I didn’t God would have something better for me in store. Not only did I get a car but it was a care that I had wanted since 2009.
2. I wanted a job in my field, a mater’s level job. I put in an application, even though I didn’t have the 2 years’ experience. A year later, I got a call back for an interview. I am currently a master’s level substance abuse therapist.
3. After getting my job, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wondered if I would get dropped from my position before I even started my first day. My supervisor was very supportive and the blessed thing is that my job was walking distance from the radiation treatment center.
I could go on and on about the graciousness of my daddy. I try to keep memories of these times close to me, especially when I go through transitions.
I encourage you to create your own remembrance list or do a daily gratitude list. It will definitely help put things in perspective and hopefully will replace the fear with peace.
Still Pushing with a whimsical outlook,
Hey everyone! Below are my goals for my fourth year of Radical7even.
1.) Take more risks & take advantage of opportunities. This goal is a very bold one for me. I’m not usually a risk taker. I tend to think more about the cons involving a risk than the pros. When I do that, I talk myself out of taking a risk. I need to think more about what I gain than what I can lose.
2.) Stay focused on my goals. I know that this goal might sound crazy but sometimes I get distracted & forget what my goals are.
3.) Become whole mentally, spiritually, & emotionally. Mentally-think more positively & develop more faith in God. Spiritually – becoming closer to God & study more his word (also understanding the word). Emotionally- being more open w/ people & letting them in; healing from past hurts & opening up myself to love again; letting go of negative people.
4.) Work on my time management skills. I suck at time management & need to learn how to master this skill. I’m more of a go w/ the flow person. I still want to remain that way but have my time management under control.
5.) Learn how to bake desserts from scratch w/ minimal shortcuts. I know how to bake but I usually take shortcuts. For example, when I bake cheesecake I use Kebbler’s graham cracker crust. When I have tried to make graham cracker crust from scratch but it doesn’t agree w/ me. Lol!
6.) Enjoy my life & be happy. This goal is recycled. I have a bad habit of being Ms. Work & no play. I try my best to take care of my responsibilities & always think about the cost of things. I know that there are things that I can do to enjoy myself that are budget friendly.
7.) Get my driver’s license. This is a recycled goal. I received my permit over the summer so now the next step is to get my driver’s license.