Philippians 4:13 NIV
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I thought that I would never blog about Baby Smith again..but I realized, there aren’t many voices out there for women who suffer a loss like this. What helped me get through this difficult time was reading the blogs/boards of women who went through it. It turns out I did not end up miscarrying the baby; I had an ectopic pregnancy. I never saw the baby and was told immediately that the pregnancy had to be terminated; my life was at risk. How the tables turned for me. I went from mourning the baby..to mourning again as I had to take the MTX shot to end the pregnancy. The shot had side effects that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy..but here I am.
There are so many things that happened this year that I just knew I couldn’t do. I never saw me moving to another city or switching jobs and I did not see an ectopic pregnancy coming my way. At each of these life changing junctions; like a stubborn child refusing to share his toys; I put my foot down and told God “I just can’t”. I can’t stand to move away from my family and a job I’m comfortable at. I can’t go through the pain of losing a baby…I just can’t. But..I did.
Each step..no matter how small or timid;I would say..I don’t think I can..but I will try. When you first get news especially if it’s life changing the first reaction can be doubt. Well atleast it is for me. What this entire year taught me..was I can. I did the impossible at least five times this year. Not because I’m great or wonderful, but because my Father is. I, like Paul, do not brag in my strength. I realize that after being broken..my strength was nothing more than a fantasy. What kept me going was seeing God in the circumstance. I saw God in my healthy boys. I saw good in my supportive husband. I saw God..in just those still moments between tears and questions. I can.Not because I’m so wonderful but because God already wrote it for me to do. Before December 30, God already knew what my life would hold. I should know every step (even if I can’t see it) is already worked out.
I saw a quote that said faith is believing now what will only make sense in reverse. I’m not sure what this year is supposed to mean in the grand scheme..maybe there’s a scared pregnant momma that might do a google search on ectopic/complicated pregnancy and see that even in the midst of my recovery..that I am recovering and that healing is on the other side. Idk. And honestly that’s not my focus. My focus now is..doing what God willed for me to do.
Impossible only takes a week.
Hello everyone! I started a journal challenge this month w/ the ministry for Wives in Waiting. The first book in the Bible for the journal challenge that I read was Hosea. The book of Hosea is a parallel of Hosea’s marriage to his wife Gomer and God’s relationship w/ the children of Israel. Gomer was a prostitute and was unfaithful to her husband. Before Hosea got married to Gomer, God told him that his wife wasn’t going to be faithful to him. Hosea 1:2-3 states “When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.” So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.” The children of Israel in a nutshell worshiped pagan gods and basically threw God to the wayside. They were full of sin. God was angry at his people. To find more about the book of Hosea, read it!
Now you may be asking how is the story of Hosea relatable? I’m not Gomer in the context of being a prostitute. Lol! However, I can relate to the unfaithfulness part. I thought about myself as I read Hosea. I thought about how I’ve been unfaithful to God. I haven’t been as obedient as I should had. I haven’t been making him a priority. I haven’t been spending time w/ God as much as I should. I really been slacking on my spiritual walk w/ God..I also haven’t been pure in my heart. This month I really worked on my relationship w/ God and tried by best to stay away from tempting situations. It seems like when I slack w/ relationship w/ God, the easier it is for me to get tempted. When I stay connected to God it’s easier for me to be strong and resist temptation.
If you find yourself right now being Gomer, try to get back connected w/ God. Spend time w/ him and make him a priority. Ask God to help you in the areas that you’re weak. I would like to mention that you may not be a prostitute like Gomer was but you can cheat on God (i.e. giving a guy/men more attention than him or putting other things before him). We are the brides of Christ. We are in a committed relationship with God. We should honor our relationship w/ him. I’m trying to get to the point where I don’t compromise who I am for anyone and not allow anyone or anything come between my relationship w/ God. God bless!
P.S. Another radical moment I had this week was watching my roommate’s cat (Munchkin) for the first time by myself (as in take care of him) Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon. I’ve watched Munchkin a couple of times while my roommate was at work but I never had to feed him. My mom & I attended Black Friday. We went to Belk’s and Kohls..It was fun! Both stores were super packed though! I went home Wednesday-Friday for Thanksgiving. I enjoyed spending time w/ my family. I was off work for a week. My last day of work was Thursday and I returned back to work today. The Auburn vs. Alabama game was in Auburn today. I’m so happy Auburn won!! WAR EAGLE!!
Hello everyone! So from the title of this post, some people think I’m talking about rehab but I’m not. lol! Just keep reading and you’ll understand where I’m going with this post. I’ve been working on myself pretty much all year. I’m healing from things from the past and emotional wounds. The thing that I’m learning is that you can’t put a time limit on healing. I remember saying either last yr or this yr that I would be healed by a certain time frame and also that I’ll be ready for a relationship. Boy was I wrong! I’m nowhere near being ready for a relationship and I’m not fully healed yet but I’m getting there. I think that taking the time out for myself was really necessary in order for me to heal. I’m the type of person that is not used to focusing on myself. I’m usually put my focus on other things such as work, volunteering, helping people, and my positions in my sorority. I’m understanding how important it is to just chill for a moment and just think. This whole year I’ve been dealing w/ my issues. I can say I’m definitely in a better place emotionally now then I was earlier this year. Maybe next year I’ll be ready for a relationship, who knows! We definitely shall see but I’m not in a rush. I’m just enjoying the time to get to know myself better and my time w/ God. I just want to be whole and emotionally healthy.
I’ve really been working on my relationship w/ God. I’m trying to get to the point where I make God a priority. I haven’t been doing the best job w/ that. I been spending time w/ God everyday lately. This month I started doing a journal challenge that my mentor’s ministry (Wives in Waiting) is doing. The journal challenge is basically reading the books Hosea, Romans, and 1st Samuel and writing about it. For example, you read the 1st chapter of Hosea and journal about it. The next day you read Hosea 2 and so forth. So you read the book of Hosea first, the book of Romans second, and then 1st Samuel last. The challenge also came w/ a 3 day fast but I didn’t do it. I didn’t feel as if I was ready. Fasting for me is rough. I do plan on going on a fast before the year is out on my own. I also been reading Colliding with Destiny by Sarah Jakes. It’s a devotional concentrated on the story of Ruth. At the end of each chapter are questions that you can answer and a prayer.
I also been working on trying to get out of my rut. I’m taking baby steps daily. I’ve suffered a couple of hits over the past few years. I lost myself and now I’m getting back to me. Bishop Dale Bronner’s “Turn Up” series has been blessing me. The series is based on Deuteronomy 2:1-3. In a nutshell, the message series is about getting out of the rut of life and stop going through the motions (everyday routine). It’s time to TURN UP! The children of Israel were going around the same mountain (Mount Sanai). The mountain represents a problem area in your life. Bishop Bronner defined a rut as place where you’re gaining little or no success or happiness from doing the same thing. He mentioned that we need revelation in order to get out of our rut. He said that 1.)Revelation comes by rumination; 2.) Revelation comes by revelation; and 3.) revelation comes by relationship. He said that there are four things that perpetuate a rut: wrong philosophy, wrong habits, wrong association, and inaction. He said that those that survive move. So basically while we are in a rut, we have to keep moving in order to get out of it. Those are some of my notes but I have a lot more written down. lol! Next week Bishop Bronner is wrapping up his series. I’m so excited!
Life happens to the best of us. You may experience a death of a loved one, disappointments, financial difficulty, or other events. You may get down for a moment but don’t allow events in your life to cause you to get into a rut or give up on life (as in not trying to pursue your goals or opportunities). Pick yourself up and keep going. I’m writing those words to encourage myself and others.
As you all can see, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. lol! I’m not done but I’m going somewhere. I want to be at a place where I’m happy and excited about what I’m doing. I need my motivation back and just don’t feel like I’m just existing. Please keep me in your prayers. God bless!
P.S. I had a few radical moments this month. I made spaghetti for the first time with ground chicken. It turned out pretty good. I never cooked ground chicken before. I usually make my spaghetti with ground turkey. I planned and attended my best friend’s baby shower. The baby shower didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. Only one person showed up and she left early because she had to go to work. Later on that night, there was some drama going on w/ my best friend’s neighbors.
My best friend and I tried to make the best of the baby shower. Her boyfriend was at the baby shower for a while. We took pictures, she opened the few gifts she had, we ate, cut/ate the cake, and watched tv. I was at her house majority of that day. Her and I were mad/disappointed because we expected more people to come. We had a lot of food, cake, and drinks (water and fruit punch) left over. We ended up splitting up the food and drinks. We didn’t get to play the games. =( The theme of the baby shower was pink safari (pink/white zebra print, pink elephants, and pink giraffes). Last week, I applied for a writer’s position for EmpowerMoments. I hope I get it! =) Yesterday I wrote a resignation letter as treasurer of my chapter for my sorority. I felt as if it was time for me to give it up. I’ve been the treasurer for about a yr and half. I’m over two programs in my sorority and I think my focus need to be more on them. So next month should be my last as the treasurer. =(
I said remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years we stood there
I mentored you and helped you through your struggle. You were my right hand, doing things that you didn’t like just because you knew I wouldn’t steer you wrong. I gave you experience. I gave you love.
I was the one who gave you your start. And now it is time for you to move on.
Long live the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
Because I love you, I want what’s best for you. But I am devastated to lose you. You are a vital part of this family. My day is totally a wash as I figure out how to move on. Time is all that will relax me and keep going. I’m just ready for bed.
But if, God forbid, fare should step in
And force us to say goodbye
If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
I can’t get you what you wanted. I couldn’t give you what I wanted. I feel as if I failed you.
But you’re more than a minion
You’re a friend
I love you
Isaiah 55:8 NIV
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord .
So…I said my last post would be my last for the month..but I’d rather this chapter end this month and start fresh for December. I found out today that I did miscarry. Nothing was seen on the ultrasound. Yet..unfortunately for me I still very pregnant. I’m just confused. I just don’t know what God’s Will is. Like are we to pray against something that He’s already willed? Does that work? I’ve read where a young mother’s son died and the prophet brought him back to life(I king 17). So was the death not really apart of God’s will..or was the whole point about the restored life? I’m just trying to find some sort of answer in all of this. I’m not mad..and I feel like I was sad and stressed out enough the last two weeks. I accept the situation completely..I’m just wondering..and semi wishing that I never knew I was pregnant. It’s so wild what one day does. One day I’m planning the nursery..the next day..I’m not. I know this will help me be a better mother to my boys, but man..this is a sucky space to be in.
I guess I’m back to the rad7even motto: one day at a time
Three days ago I left my planner at a client’s home. AND I WENT NUTS….for about an hour. I was almost home when I got the call from my client saying that I left my “book” on the table. Panic set in immediately. I began thinking “How am I going to remember everything that I wrote down? Should I buy a new planner? What if I forget to do something? I must admit I tend to feel quite accomplished after I simply write things down in my planner. Not do them…just write them down. It gives me this incredible sense of control and makes me feel like I’m a grown up that’s a mover and a shaker. I contemplated picking it up the next morning but I had too many work related commitment and very little free time that day and it seemed as though I could not fit it in my schedule without having to move around my appointments. I decided that I would try for a week (outside of my therapy appointments) to let the days flow organically and not overly scheduled. I have 3 more days to go before that week is over and I am doing OK. I found a verse to stand on and it has not let me down.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isn’t it amazing how difficult it can be to give up some of the control in your life and let things happen? I can say as a Christian this is something I struggle with at times- Giving God complete control and releasing my to do list. Not having my planner for a few days made me acutely aware of my need to sometimes predict the next hour of my life.
This verse directly ties into my prayer goal of submission- letting God’s will take over. If we allow things to unfold organically, right or wrong , good or bad, it is all part of God’s will. He will give you the grace to move through any situation whether you planned for it to happen or not. There were wonderful things that happened over the past few days, none of them planned. There were also not some not so great unplanned things but God helped me through that as well. Knowing that the master plan is “to give you hope and a future” is reassurance that in the end it will all come together. This is great news to me…especially since I don’t remember what I wrote in my planner for tomorrow
One day at a time,