Well I’m baaack! I haven’t blogged in a few weeks and I think for the most part many of the last few blogs have not been that radical. I’ve really just been maintaining. It’s been because I’ve been so distracted by other things like: preparing for the baby, seeking my true purpose and raising my beautiful babies (excuse me big boys) and being a wife.
Now I’m trying to refocus on what my purpose is and how to walk in that.
Since I was old enough to dream I wanted to make a difference in the world. In fifth grade, I learned about one of the first woman investigative journalist, Nellie Bly, and how she blew the lid off of the mental institutions and how they were treating patients. How cool is that? When I learned about therapy in junior high I knew one day I would be a therapist (at my own center) helping people to heal their lives. Then when I got to college I heard of the non profit sector and never looked back. In many settings I’m an encouraging force and I love it. I love helping other people.
I realize that recently my spark has been dulled because I lost my trust in God (which I’ve talked about pretty extensively since losing Baby Smith). My heart of service is strictly a God thing and when I disconnect…it hinders me from fully walking in my purpose. BUT I have been gingerly seeking God again…I miss that feeling of comfort, even if I didn’t know how things would work out. I knew that they would.
I’ve been attempting to believe God for some pretty big things..the problem is..idk what I really want any more. I would love to have my own business. But I feel that this season is for pouring into my family. I would actually enjoy some extended time at home focused on my family (which I never thought I would ever say). Not saying I want to be fired from my current position at all lol I just would enjoy a bit more time to just focus on the family. With a new baby coming and the boys now one year away from kindergarten I realize how quickly life passes. I just want to be present for all of it. I’ve always struggled with balancing everything..so my goal is to truly give my desires to God and let Him balance it for me.
So, the last few weeks haven’t been too radical. I’m at a bit of a crossroads. I’ve officially entered my second trimester (14 weeks today!!) And things are finally settling sinking in that there’s a little person on the way. I struggled a lot with fear of losing Jellybean. I’m feeling a little bit better.
But the thoughts are also turning to what are future will look like. With a new baby that means budget adjustments of time and money. The thought of getting my Masters has also popped back up. How in the world would that be possible with three small children? Idk just a lot of thoughts rolling around. All good choices though. I’m just glad to be back in a good headspace. I’m hoping to have a solid plan before JB gets here, but man it almost feels like planning for the second biological (third child in total) is harder than with thr first.
But I know God will work it out, just trusting!
without fear; bold or brave; intrepid
We were not ever promised an easy life. In fact, Jesus knew we would have difficulties and gives us comfort in those time. In John 16:33 he proclaims “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” With Jesus at our side, we should be brave and courageous—Fearless.
Often we come across situations that test our bravery and our faith. There are times when I take my eyes off God, and I let my own desires control my life. I was afraid of what was happening to me and felt powerless. But then I let him remove the fear that is stealing the joy from my life.
In the last few months, I made a big decision about my life. I was sick, tired and hurting. I felt bad about myself and unattractive. I was stuck on my own agenda even though I had told God I would leave it up to him.
In the last few weeks I have really come to regret that decision. I prayed and fasted from those things that were impeding my spiritual sight. I really considered what I was doing. I don’t regret things often; I don’t like to live a life where I might have regretted something. I think that regret was not just me being lonely or adverse to change, it was telling me that I made a bad decision; I hadn’t followed God.
This is where fearless comes in. There was a chance I had not irrevocably changed my life. But I had to be courageous and admit my mistakes and truly show humility. This was really frightening. I did not want to be that vulnerable or be rejected. But deep in my heart I knew I needed to do this. I needed to trust in God and go for it.
So I showed fearlessness in adversity. Someone one said that being fearless isn’t not having fears, but being afraid and doing it anyway. Well I did it and I am very glad and relieved. There was no magic fairy tale ending but there was a very realistic and open continuation of that part of my life.
One of Jesus’s biggest gifts is fearlessness. Bad things will happen, but he will comfort us and keep us strong. Be prepared to dance in the rain when he calls you.
Hello everyone! So I have to vent. I watched a video today on YouTube that summed up how I feel about relationships at the moment. I’m at the point right now that I’m for the most part am closed off when it comes to it. I’m tired of the foolishness that guys are bringing & I can’t deal w/ it. I have a very low tolerance for foolishness. I guess one of the reasons why I’m like that is because I tolerated so much foolishness in my past relationships. I recently deleted my profile (June 1st) on a dating website that I was on called Plenty of Fish. I’ve been on there for almost a year & finally deleted my profile. I got tired of the guys always asking me about posting more pictures on my profile, wanting to exchange numbers w/ me in less than 20 minutes of talking to me, & asking me when we were going to meet up.
I originally joined the website because my female friend didn’t want to be on there by herself. I’m surprised that I stayed on the website almost a year. I know what kind of relationship I want in the future (a friendship that turns into a relationship that leads to marriage) that wants the same thing I want. I find it crazy that some guys want certain benefits but don’t want to put any effort or little effort into receiving those benefits. When I say benefits I’m not talking about sex necessarily. Let me give an example. Let’s say Bob is interested in Julie. Bob hardly calls & texts Julie but expect Julie to go on a date w/ him one day he asks her out. Julie declines the date because Bob isn’t consistent w/ contacting her.
When I was on Plenty of Fish, guys would ask me for my number all the time. I would always tell them that I don’t give my number out quickly. I try to get to know people & talk to people on there for a while before I decide to give it out. A few guys on there have told me that I’m difficult! Lol! I don’t think I’m difficult. I just have expectations & standards. When a guy approach me, I expect him to come correct. I expect him to have a nice conversation with me. If me & him exchange numbers, I expect to hear from him on a regular basis & for him to be consistent. If me & him get to the level of dating, I expect him to set up the first few dates. If something comes up the day of a date, I expect him to contact me, tell me the reason why he is canceling the date, & reschedule the date for another day.
I feel like nowadays some dudes aren’t interested in starting off things slow & developing a friendship. They rather text than call. They don’t court women. They aren’t interesting in taking time to get to know you. They want to move fast, play games, or be friends w/ benefits. I’m not w/ that. Lol! I’m a very slow pace person. I just want don’t want my time to be wasted in another relationship. I know what I want in the long run. I pray who God has for me is a Godly man & will give me what I need in a relationship. I’m not in a rush to be in relationship right now. I’m just doing friendship w/ guys. I’m very upfront w/ my intentions when I talk to guys. I wish more guys would be upfront & honest about their intentions. I think I vented enough now. Lol! God bless!
I’m Angry. Well, less Angry than I was. But I am praying for the ability to Forgive.
I have a coworker who is Rude and, at times, truly inept at her job. She and I would clash daily. But I prayed that God would allow me to Forgive her actions and to accept her for who she was. I have worked Hard with God to be granted the Serenity to not let her get under my skin and the Grace to accept her as she is.
Back on point (the Paragraph above will mean something later). Recently, my company has decided to make some changes. They eliminated a part time job and brought in a new full time staff member. This is great for my company as the new person has a background that we really need. It is bad in the fact that the part time staffer was one my Dearest friends. It was Sad for her to be let go.
Understandably she was Upset, but Navigating a friendship/ex-coworker status is really tricky. I tried to help her through the transition and then after a time move away from those negative Feelings. But she milked it, always complaining and dragging my company’s name in the muck. I finally stopped talking to her about my life at work at all and redirected her when she asked. She felt Entitled to that full time position but subsequently took a job at another, similar company.
But then I heard that she had written several rude letters to my boss as well as to the new full time co-worker. This made me angry. First, this was my place of business and she had no right to drag me down in her process. And, second, she had never met this girl. Then God gave me some the Clarity to see this for what it really was: someone being immature and nothing I could do could fix it. I just had to offer the same Love and Forgiveness that God gives me.
Then….. (There’s always a then…), I found out she could have had a full time position by replacing my rude coworker. But because of her Immature behavior, she was not given the position and nothing changed at my company. This is when I felt the most Angry and Hurt. Because she could not keep her mouth shut and act like an Adults I was stuck with the Rude co-worker.
I’ve prayed Fervently and Steadily, and I have begun to realize, this person, though she was a good friend, wouldn’t have been a good full time co-worker. God had a plan for us all and that includes me learning how to Deal with Rude people and how to navigate tough situations with the ones I love most. That must be how he feels about us; a tough situation that he often has to handle with those he Loves the most.
I am trying not to dwell in the Anger and just turn to God. He is helping me rebuild my heart by emptying it of Anger and refilling it with Love.
Today I give it p to You
Remove the Anger from my heart
Refill it with Love
Through your Grace I can get through this
Peace, Love & Prayers
Holly Weitz works for a nonprofit in central Alabama. She loves animals and spends her time enjoying a variety of water sports
This past Saturday, I decided to catch up on my mound of laundry and various things on my ever growing to do list. I got a chance to watch OWN’s Master Class with Maya Angelou. It was so inspirational. She was more than the poet that I knew and admired, she was also a director, translator, mother, daughter, and teacher. She believed that everyone was a teacher, and has the ability to teacher another person.
One lesson she discussed was having rainbow in her cloud. This basically meant that no matter what is going in your life; God will always allow us a rainbow. I thought this was so profound because I do this with my best friend on a regular basis and she does the same for me, especially when we are being down about a particular situation. For example, whenever I feel low about my life, Renee will always remind me of the times that God has provided for me. During the storms of our life, we have to remember our rainbow in the clouds.
Oprah discussed being at one of Dr. Angelou’s many parties and if Dr. Angelou heard a person speak negatively about another person or population, she would politely ask them to leave. Dr. Angelou shared that we must be careful of how we use words. Dr. Angelou viewed words as things. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1:1) She said that we have to be careful of using negative words in your house and to not allow people to use them in your house. She felt that negative words got into the walls, wallpaper, furniture, and finally into you. There is power in the words we use, be positive in all things.
She spoke about her work with Dr. King and Malcolm X. She said, “If a human being dares to be bigger than the situations they were born in, so can you.” For me, I see public figures like Malcolm X, Dr. King, Sister Theresa, President Obama, Mandela, Dr. Angelou and I read their autobiographies and it seems bigger than life. But they were human beings, just like me, just like you. They dared to dream, dared to try, to put one foot in front of the other and give it a go. They went further than the generation before them. This is a lesson that I have to keep close to my heart, any time when things doesn’t go as I think they should go or when fear tries to over take my dreams.
I encourage you if you get a chance to check out OWN’s Master Class.
Still Pushing with a Renewed Spirit,
The picture above is what I’m trying to refocus my attention on. My husband (although not pictured) and my children. I’ve had an emotional few weeks. Had a stressful co-parenting situation, baby worries, daddy issues…you name it and it reared its head.
Now some might think it is because I’m pregnant , which might account for the intensity of the emotions I felt, but does not over shadow what the situations are.
The first situation and the last situation all fall into the communication category. I feel that almost any situation can be resolved if the proper communication tools are available and used. But what if the other party refuses to communicate? In my eyes that means no resolution and I stew over what I “need” to say for hours,days and unfortunately weeks. And that can (and usually does) leads to bitterness.
I have no control over another person, but I do have control over; my heart and what I allow to take root. That’s my responsibility. Light and darkness can not dwell in the same home. If God has given the Fruit of the Spirit( love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control.), then the enemy will attack that tree, but only at the source..the mind. It is why the Bible admonishes us to take every thought captive…the mind will lead you to your next victory or hand the keys over to your defeat.
And lately. .ive handed my keys over. I’ve let rejection motivate me in a negative way and because my motives were off so were my outcomes. I’m working hard on my emotional health goal. If you haven’t noticed it’s been the main focus of my rad year. I learned early in life some pretty unhealthy emotional ques so my EI (emotional intelligence) is skewed.
Now on to worry about my unborn, my Jelly bean. My lovely HIS sister and God Mother of my children challenged me to write jellybean every day. So I could connect and use my writing to make it through my uneasiness. The writing has totally helped and eased some of my nervousness.
Also my other HIS and part-time therapist suggested this blog( http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/). Now it took me a few times to read it, but man was it a source of comfort. See I’ve joined several online support groups for women who have had a pregnancy loss. And although those can be a great source of information..at times it is also a great source of anxiety. Ive learned more about loss than I ever needed to know and it causes me to think about scenarios I didnt know existed. But that blog did something different, it didn’t minimize the hurt, but it did MAXIMIZE God. That’s the deciding factor. Even in loss do I believe He is still good.
Truthfully, no at first I didn’t. I had my first child out of wedlock totally biblically not right. I used to fear that like David and Bathsheebas first child (2 Samuel 12) I could lose that pregnancy because of my transgression. But with Baby Smith, I was married so..Idk I thought it was a covered situation. I know my thinking is absolutely flawed lol but I’m trying to give you my mindset at the time of my loss.
One month after I lost Baby Smith I went to volunteer at a treatment facility for pregnant women who have addictions. Literally one woman was whisked away via ambulance because her water broke. While I was glad the women were seeking treatment I was also filled with confusion. I don’t smoke or drink and suffered a loss…and a woman who used substances was getting ready to deliver. I questioned God a lot. What is the purpose? That’s just was. Now I’ve come to the realization that God is always in control, even in pain. When we ask “where was God during ….” remember He also endured seeing His Son tortured for us. I couldn’t imagine having the power and choice to stop my child from suffering and still allowing it, to help other people. Grief is very me focused, and it has a place. But it can cause bitterness. I’m so glad I have people in my life who will not allow me to wallow.
I have my next ultrasound in a few days and although last time my sac was empty I know that God is the master of using nothing and turning it into something. My fears although not eradicated have subsided.
I’m working hard every day to be less judgmental of myself and others.
Sometimes in order to really get victory we also have to fight the fallacies we’ve come to believe about God. This journey has taught me to seek Him again and this time really know Him and His attributes for myself.
One day at a time,