I haven’t written much in the past few months, It’s been such a hectic time. I feel like some of my journey has been a bit watered down the past few months. When I first started this journey I believe the level of transparency was vitally important to really growing in Christ.
Today will be a very transparent day. As many may know I started Rad7even as a single momma to an amazing (at that time) 15 month old son. Fast forward and I now have an almost 8 year old. I’ve never once regretted being a single mom. It was a choice because his father and I were never together and I knew that even as magical and wonderful as my Daniel would be… he would not be the solution to a relationship that hadn’t been already fostered.
I knew the journey would be hard, but I thought it would be hard for different reasons. Parenting is hard. Period. LOL so I knew that would be a bit of a challenge. But as it turns out co-parenting has proven to be the real source of difficulty for me. I honestly didn’t suspect that..I know. I know how naïve of me. But I really believed that since there weren’t too many emotions between his father and I that we would be able to co-parent fairly seamlessly.
Not quite. It’s really hard to get on the same page with someone that you don’t understand and in turn that has caused some communication pitfalls that for whatever reason I have not been able to overcome. And left my sweet boy asking some tough questions that I don’t have answers to. I can only speak for myself. I can’t even begin to explain why someone does whatever or doesn’t do whatever. But it definitely has had me down on myself. Like I totally didn’t pick a great situation to bring such a special kid into.
I struggle with forgiving myself, because my decision affects him. No matter how much I think I have grown as a mother I can’t answer for the other biological side of him. It’s a gift I can’t give him. He has an absolutely wonderful relationship with my husband. In fact, he’s been the most consistent male factor his whole life. My husband has been in his life since he was 18 months old.
Looking back over the past 9 years (pregnancy and birth) of my first born son; should be colored with way more beautiful moments than not and honestly they are. I have to be able to forgive myself. No. Having a baby not in marriage. Not in a committed relationship with someone who will love on that child regardless of the status of your future. It’s been tough. But today. I forgive me. I forgive me for allowing a situation with my own father affect my decision making. I forgive me for staying in an unhealthy situation longer than I needed to. I forgive me for not giving my son the biological father that he needs and honestly deserves.
I will choose to only speak my truth and not search for the answers that someone else will need to answer for later. I can only do my part. My part is to love on my baby and love on myself while I walk into newfound freedom.
I am free….
Listen to this song that gives me so much peace Daddy’s Home
My deadly sin? Sloth.
Let me make something clear: fatigue isn’t the same as sloth. Depression isn’t the same as sloth. Sloth is letting things get nasty and being lazy without reason. It becomes apathy with no excuse.
I just realize that I have transitioned out of depression into sloth. The orphans aren’t here. I don’t feel bad. I am just lazy.
So I prayed and got off my butt. For about three days, I had energy, participating in my hobbies and cleaning my house! I made sure to pace myself and was doing great.
Then a flare came, and it all went away. I made myself color and read so I would be doing something and to keep my brain off my pain. But it upset me because I was doing so well fighting sloth. Now I was possibly getting back into the habit..
I am feeling better than I was but I’m not back to normal but the fact that it frustrated me meant that I was still in the spirit to fight sloth. So I am not using this flare as an excuse.
I will pull myself of our deadly sin and keep honoring the Lord!
The greatest thing about friendship is the ability for a friend to see you. I mean really see you. I don’t mean the arbitrary “hey how are you doing” “I’m wonderful” play we put on every day for the people around us. I mean the ” I am so worn out right now that I have been on the verge of tears” conversation.
True friendships stand the test of time and trials and one of my longest friendships…we’ve been family.. is with Dani.
Dani and I have literally been best friends since we sat beside each other in Psychology Club back in 2005..2006?? I forget the year but..she’s been here. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. She is the Godmother to all of my boys. She is my first true baby daddy LOL and overall she’s my left-hand girl.
She FINALLY moved close enough for us to see each other on a more regular basis. The crazy part was life kept getting in the way and we were actually seeing each other less than when she lived an hour away. We decided to institute “bestie days” so we would schedule out time to see each other. Well, this past Saturday (February 10th) was supposed to be our first official bestie day and we were going to see the play Color Purple. Two days prior…she lets me know that she entered me into a Valentine’s Day contest…and I won! Now I was shocked, happy..and yes a tinge of guilt hit. One, she really wanted to go see the play and 2) I would be away from the kids for atleast 6 hours. Now that I am working full time I feel bad if I am not with them when I am home. But can I tell you that the week prior had been VERY hard. I was all the way worn out. So… this bestie day and make-over couldn’t come at a better time.
Dani picked me up and we headed to the mall where the transformation would begin. I got styled by StyleMaven, got my hair done and make up done and got to walk the red carpet. It was AMAZING. I got to do it laughing and joking with my best friend and surrounded by black women entrepreneurs. It was so empowering. I can’t thank Dani enough for helping me to really focus on self-care.
With the New Year just starting, I wanted to take a minute to let you know what happened during the past year.
At Bridges of Faith, we had three group of orphans come to Bridgestone. In July, many of the children were from a speclal needs orphnage and I really loved working with them because of my background in teaching those with special needs.
We also had two group of kids stay in private homes to see what living with a caring family is like. The children get to see what it’s like to not have parents who are drunk or violent; ones that care about the kiuds.
But the big news is that 117 chidlren have been adopted since the program started! Two families just got back from Ukraine and many more families are going through the paper work process. Theese are the miracles I see at work: wodnerful children finding a loving forever home.
I also had some big things happen personally as well. I have been on IVIG treatments for my Common Variable Immune Deficiency for two years now. Every three weeks, a nurse comes to my house to administer a treatment that takes four to five hours. This keeps me from constantly getting infections. I have also seen a decrease in pain in my joints as well. My energy levels are great and, though I have bad days, I am doing so much better that I was before treatment.
Besides that milestone, I had a port installed. In July, I went to the Kirkland Clinic to put the port in my chest. This allows me to continue to receive treatments without continuing to do harm to my body. Not only do my veins roll, but that rolling causes them to blow bruising my arms. A lot of the antibodies I was infusing were going to healing the bruised and purple places in my arms. The port is set in a pocket under my skin with a catheter that leads to my carotid artery. Each treatment, we pierce the skin once (it doesn’t hurt much anymore as I am building scar tissue in that spot). We can do treatments, take blood, and do CTs scan with this piece of equipment. It has made treatment easier, faster and less painful. I was able to have this done thanks to generous donors who saw the need for me to have this medical equipment installed.
At home, I have a new addition. I got a new kitten named Iggy. Iggy came to live with Tig and me in June. At first, Tig wasn’t sure wat to think of the little one but the two have become brothers. When we go on walks, Tig always makes sure Iggy is with us and won’t let us leave an area without him.
Iggy is a seal point with a tabby face who loves to run around outside and cuddle. He is about 10 months old now and is a little rascal who spent all Christmas knocking ornaments off the tree. I love him so much! He is so fluffy I could die!
In regards to volunteer work, I acted as the Region 5 Representative for the Professional Association of Therapeutic Horsemanship Intonations. I over saw Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, Tennessee, Puerto Rico (please continue to pray for them; they still don’t all have electricity and horse feed and hay are scarce) and Africa. I enjoy being able to be in the therapeutic horseback riding world even though I am not an active instructor.
Thank you for all your support this past year! I could have not have made it without your prayers, love and monetary support! Here’s to another great year!
Writing is therapeutic for me so…here I am writing in the midst of a confusing and trying time again.
This radical Seven Journey has captured all of my trials with Daniel and his epilepsy journey. No matter how many seizures he has I will NEVER get used to them.
It’s incredible how quickly things change. Yesterday, Daniel complained a little bit of feeling dizzy before school (which he does from time to time with no incidents) we try to listen to him for cues because the older he gets he can communicate when he feels off. We gave him a whole bottle of water, B6, B12 and Magnesium like every morning. He said he felt better. An hour and a half later he had a seizure in the computer lab.
I always, always feel guilty because I’m like should he have gone to school? He’s usually good about telling me if he can go or not. He said yes but I was unsure even then. This time it happened in front of his class. This is the first time thats happen. He had a dizzy spell before but never a full on seizure.
He’s always scared after because he can’t control when or if they happen. How awful to live in fear of your own body?
I was able to get him home where he slept for hours (which is normal) the seizures take a toll. The school nurse checked for fever and he didn’t have one.
When he woke up he ate and was trying to get back to “normal”. But he just didn’t look right. I kept asking him how he felt he responded “awesome” “great” but I knew better. I was cleaning up the house and checking on him every 5 to 10 minutes while he laid on the couch (he didn’t want to go to his room).
I got an urging from the Holy Spirit to go back and check on him. He was seizing on the couch.
Afterwards he was burning up. He was disoriented he kept hugging me and then pushing me away. He was scared and knew I was a comfort but I don’t think he knew I was “mom” for a few minutes after. He now had a fever of 102. Within 4 hours he developed a fever and had another seizure.
Our neurologist is out of town so I made my second call to the on call neurologist, gave Motrin then Tylenol.
I have some comfort in knowing the last two seizures were caused by fevers ( he had one in December when his fever was breaking). And maybe the one at school was caused by his body trying to fight this illness off.
After a seizure he sleeps with me. I wish I had the power to stop these atracks but i feel better knowing hes near me too. My hubby always understands and makes other accommodations. Maybe I can talk him into that 12 ft bed 🤔 lol.
I’m going to go on a fast to focus o praying for health, strength and bravery as we face this and other obstacles. I read Ephesians that said God can do more than we think or ask…I need to know what my Father wants from me and Daniel with this.
Anything you need to pray about or for? Remember God can do more than we can think or ask.
Yesterday, I turned 31. It’s hard to believe that I started Rad7even when I was in my early 20s. I’m still here!! I’m so blessed and happy to have this blog to remember alllllll that God has done for me. So today I’m giving 31 reasons or lessons Ive learned that have brought me happiness. Don’t worry I’ll only do 10 at a time.
31. Time is an illusion. We tend to live like tomorrow always comes, but in reality it doesn’t for all of us. We can use this to depress us, put fear in our hearts or motivate us.
30. Being a wife/ mother will not complete you. In fact, it will splinter you even more if you’re not centered. Enjoy the moments and accept the blessing of partnership but dont stress it until you’re whole and healthy.
29. Laugh more. Stop being so serious all the time. Belly laughs are so healing.
28. Go for it! Push past pain and run straight towards your goals.
27. Love someone unconditionally. Love will hurt at times. Remember that all people are fallible and no one is a superhero. Learn to love people as they are.
26. The worst things are survivable. Many times something has happened and I felt like I couldn’t move forward. But I did. If I’m still here it means I can survive at least one more day.
25. Do something for you. There are sometimes weeks that go by without me doing one thing for myself. I’ve learned sometimes…just focusing on me is the best thing I can do for my family. When I feel good I am able to love better.
24. Ask for and receive help. Stop trying to save the world while simultaneously killing yourself.
23. Silence is golden. Take time to be still and focus on what God is telling you.
22. Be creative. Write, dance, sculpt do whatever you like that is a creative output. It brings new energy into your space.
See ya next year with some more!
It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged because honestly the past month and a half have been …lets say challenging.
Darren was sick for two weeks and I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He was having breathing issues and if you read our birth story you’ll know why this is such a stressor for me. Come to find out…he had pertussis. Scared me to death.
Then Lennon ran back to back fevers for two days the highest being 104.2 and back to the ER we went. He had walking pneumonia and last Friday..my mom was in a car accident.
This year has been a season of loss for me. A season of pruning and it’s hard. Every time I feel like I am about to take my first deep breath something else hits me in the gut.
I’ve not blogged because I didn’t want it to be so negative…but what I realized is that’s what makes this blog different. We all aren’t just the perfect Christians that never doubt God. Or get angry at Him…we have real emotions; real stressors.
Plus when God does fix it so sweet and I’m sure He will…this will be my testimony.