Stuck Between a Rock & a Hard Place ~Venus~

Hey everyone! Have you ever been in a place in your life where you didn’t know what to do regarding important decisions in your life? That’s me right about now. I have a couple of decisions that I have to make soon.

One of the decisions I have to make is where I’m going to live in the fall. The apartments that I currently live in is increasing the rent the fall. I’m not sure of if I’ll have the funds to cover the rent, power bill, & water if I decide to stay where I am. If I decide to move, I have to enough money to cover rent, a security deposit, & an application fee. So I feel torn right now because I don’t know what to do. I have an Apartment Finder book so that’s a start in the right direction.

I’m also trying to figure out whether or not I should buy a car right now. A part of me wants to buy one but I don’t think it’s the right move at the moment. The final decision I have to make is how to jump start my career. That is ongoing. It seems like everything at the moment is about money. Money to move, money to have a car, & having a career that provide good income. Ugh I hate important decisions! I just want to make the right ones! Pray for me! God bless!

~Venus

Written on Saturday, Feb. 28, 2015

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Everything That Drowns Me Makes Me Wanna Fly~Audey

Old, but I’m not that old

Young, but I’m not that bold

And I don’t think the world is sold

I’m just doing what we’re told

 “Counting Stars” OneRepublic

 

It’s already been six months and I can’t believe it. I have felt over run and overshadowed but I push on and keep going after my goals. Sometimes it feels heavy, but then God lightening my burden.

 

Invest in my Prayer Life

1464694_10153036245818518_6810089471299391383_nStill not praying as often as I should. But I have seen so many times that if I just take the time, wonderful things will happen. What I am doing better at is doing more freeform prayers. I have a great book that mentions prayers for so many things; it evens gives me a guide about the parts of a prayer and that has helped me really round out my prayers. The second thing is I do well with spontaneously praying for me and have even been felt to call to pray for someone who I had no idea who they might be or might need. But it did feel good.

 

Read the Old Testament

scriptureI’m on track with this goal. The Old Testament is `hard for me. It contains so many details, genealogies, and instructions that it my mind starts to wander. I have gotten a few days behind here and there but I get caught up pretty quickly. I have even done research as I read so I’ve been pretty studious in this goal.

Establish an Exercise Routine

cf113e4bdc1e7c457fc6643ddfc6d2e3BIG FAT GOOSE EGG. I did really good for the first three months and complete a modified challenge and then just stopped. I get so tired and have so much to do….*sigh*. But I am feeling better physically and have been doing more at work. So that’s a plus in the physical department!

 

Work on Self Image

mf2There are good days and there are bad days. There are more good days than bad days. When I have bad thoughts about my bod, I reach out to my loved one who gets me set straight. I am frustrated because I have been off the prednisone for three months but I’m not dropping the weight. Then I’ll get frustrated because I won’t exercise. But most days I am comfortable in who I am and see my beauty for what it is.

 

Extinguish my Road Rage

Road+Rage_c46218_3949959I am doing really well in this goal. I do really well about 95 percent of the time. When I do falter, it’s usually because I am not feeling well or am hurting. Even then I catch myself and it’s not at all like it used to be. Also, I apologize and pray to do better. So this one is going really well.

 

Expunge the Record of Cynicism

This is one is getting better. The first reason is because I have beenBewareCynic2 able to break away from a truly toxic person. But I am trying to giving people the benefit of a doubt.  This is part of the reason the Road Rage is going so well. I have realized they aren’t trying to hurt me and there might be a reason for them doing something stupid. I know I have these moments. I have also added “uplifting” read to my daily routine. The books are boring but it helps me to take joy in their accomplishments and lives. So this is going pretty well too.

Shake it Off

This one started off not so hot but has in the last couple of months settled out (a post is coming on that later). I doing better about not taking things personally. I am also doing better with letting it go, getting other things done or being able to relax even if I was criticized earlier. It started with Taylor Swift’s song and has blossomed from there. This is another goal I’ve made great strides with.

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Letters to my 18 yr. old self – Reneé

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Ten years ago, I was an 18 year old girl.  I wish I could go back in time and sit down with myself.  Alot has happened in 10 years, I’ve gotten married,  had two kids,  graduated college, moved,  gotten my own place, my own car…I became a woman.
There are many things I would like to say to myself,things like dont take each break up so personally nor so seriously.  Stop stressing about being single. Stop trying to please others. Stop trying to make people and situations fit that you have long outgrown. Stop trying to be understood.
I’ve spent the last decade of my life playing it safe. Trying to do what I felt was expected of me, but I’m not sure if I was trying to grow into the woman I need to be.  Sure those circumstances and choices have shaped me, but very few things were out of my control. I was so tight fisted with my plans. Daniel was the first instance of something throwing me off my first plan..and it was wonderful. Being a mother did motivate me to take more chances (talk to my boss, find another job) all things I wouldn’t have done without the motivation  of him.

I just wish I had more courage to really pursue the heart matters. Things that have tugged at my soul…for 10 years. The business, the travels, hard conversation that need to be had..all of it.

See at 18 my goals all seemed possible,  but that was before any real setbacks. At 28,  I’ve had some failures,  some hurts..memories that stay with me. Hushing my words, dampening my dreams. I wish I would have learned early how to overcome those trials.
I focused so much on college i never truly thought about what life would look like once i left.  How life starts AFTER the classes.

I did a devotion at the beginning of this year that focused on choosing one word to focus on for the year. One word you feel God is pulling you towards.  My word is communication.  I’ve always had a gift of words-usually more written than spoken. But people do tend to listen to me, respect my view points.  But I don’t always adequately express myself; true communication is not in how impressive the words are, but in how well your true intent and purpose are conveyed to another person.  I need the connection. 
I would tell my 18 year old self that connection is important.  That learning to own your voice is probably the single most valuable thing i could do, because it is my word,  my voice – that’s my purpose.
Following that purpose and protecting it would be almost as important as protecting my very life. Without purpose you wither and lose strength.  I would encourage myself to use my words more and trust myself more.  Building those skills earlier would have helped in so many ways.

As i reflect over my past, my purpose and my present I realize I do have time to really seize the moment. That’s my radical journey; ultimately growing into the self assured person I need to be in order to glorify God.

Back to the future,
Reneé

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A Me Deferred – Reneé

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I’m not even sure exactly where to start. I’m so off of my radical goals that i honestly don’t have anything to update on.

I’ve enjoyed my time off with both Lennon and Daniel, but that time is rapidly coming to an end. Honestly this time the journey into motherhood with the second baby has been a lot more lonely than it was with Daniel.
When i had Daniel I had visitors for weeks, I had plans with his godmother within the first two weeks and even had his pictures made all within the first month.
This time with Lennon, I’ve had one visitor and have been out only a few times. I just feel so disconnected from the world at the moment. I enjoy being a mom, but I severely miss my girl time.   I honestly feel these other girls on this journey are my soul mates.  They get me in a way no one else does. Even with them being far away I’ve received so many wonderful cards, calls, texts and gifts.
I’ve stated before how hard it’s been to make friends in the city,  but honestly i don’t think that’s the only thing. I honestly just miss a part of who i was/am when i was with the girls.
They always helped me to feel better, stronger and more together than i currently feel. They encouraged me, supported me and just helped me be a better me.
When you get married and have kids the wife title and mother title can be all you see and honestly how the others in the house see you as well. They take for granted who you were before you obtained those titles..don’t get me wrong i very much enjoy those titles. But I’m more than a two dimensional person..i have real depth.  I guess it’s time to do some soul searching and figure out how to get back to me. I’ve neglected me for a while now. Some of it is out of guilt,  how can i put myself first when so many people need me? But the truth is if I don’t start focusing on me this radical journey is all for naught.

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Get Your Head in the Game! ~Venus

Hey everyone! Lately, my focus has been a little off. My brain has been really scattered. I have quite a bit going on & I’m trying to keep up. I’ve been so tired from work that all I want to do is sleep & watch tv..I hope that I can get my thoughts together so I can focus. My brain. E going 100 miles per hour! I’m really am an overthinker! I think that I need more quiet time w/ God & find a way to quiet my brain. When I listen to classical & gospel music it usually helps w/ making my brain calmer. I hope that I’ll be able to get my focus back soon. God bless! ~Venus

Written 1/30/15

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I Failed…. ***DaniGee***

…and it’s okay. I survived it. I’m still living. I didn’t lose any limbs. I can still remember it. It was the semester before I graduated with my Masters. I had to pass my written comprehensive exam. I was stressed to the point where I manifested physical pain. The day came and it was test time. I didn’t do well. I didn’t feel confident after I finished it but I was glad to have been done with it.

The day came for the results to come out. I got the dreaded call that I didn’t pass but that I had a chance to do an oral do-over. One of my professors had told me that I needed to talk to one of my other professors because she was upset that I didn’t do well on the portions that she taught. She was a teacher that I was already intimidated by so now I was expected to tell her why I had failed. She was upset and she let me know that she was upset. SO, not only did I have to deal with my own feelings of feeling like a failure but I also had to process feeling like I failed another person.

I don’t know how long it lasted but I walked around like I had a scarlet letter F on my forehead. I’m sure I ate more than was necessary and doubted my intelligence. Thankful for my support system, I was able to begin again. Beginning again meant figuring out what I needed to do to pass my test. In doing so, I had study groups with my cohorts and sharing what I had learned and what to expect.

The day came and I whipped that test’s butt. I just knew it. I felt more confident and know that I had given my all. The day came again and I got the call that I had passed! Not only had I passed but also did my cohorts.

Yes, I failed, but I didn’t say a failure. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and pushed on.  This story is a helpful reminder to me that failing didn’t kill me. It not only helped me but I was also able to help others.

failure

Still Pushing with a look back in the past,

DaniGee

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It’s like that sometimes – Reneé

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Lennon and I shortly after his birth

So, as I stated in the last entry my pregnancy with Lennon never quite went as planned so why in the world did I think his birth would be?
On my induction date, I went in feeling great(hungry since I couldn’t eat after midnight) but great. I talked to Lennon and asked him to come before lunch. My mom and husband went in with me and later we were joined by Danielle (the Godmother) and both my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I kept saying my mantras and bounced on a birthing ball. I was happy the day came and I was able to have the natural delivery i had planned! 12 hours into my labor the nurse said she was seeing some strange dips in Lennon’s heart rate and wanted me to try a new position. New position didn’t work and soon came the doctor.  The doctor was very matter of fact; if we dont see change soon we will do a c section.  There it was the dreaded “c” word. I was determined to not let that happen so I took deep breathes moved in circular motions allowed them to put oxygen on me, the whole 9. Well, it didn’t work, the doctor stated it seemed like Lennon was in distress and he wanted to prep me for surgery. I immediately cried. Not the wimper, one tear drop falling from your right eye cry, but the omg! You’re about to cut me open this is totally against my birth plan cry. I was terrified.  I’ve never had surgery and i thought I was progressing well, I was 7 cm when the call was made.

As soon as he said c section it seemed like 34 people busted into the room going over paperwork,  asking about living wills. ..i mean really people.  Can I process?  Then I was wheeeled into the OR. No one could be with me at first.  So I’m surrounded by total strangers.  Thank God the anesthesiologist, his partner and my attending nurse were so nice. They joked with me and explained every part of the process. My husband was finally able to enter the room and at 3:06 pm weighing in at 8.2 pounds Lennon entered this world.
Not how I planned.  Not what i expected,  but he’s here!
Although i did not have the birth or pregnancy experience i thought I would I’m happy to have experienced it all.
My recovery from the c section has played on me emotionally and physically.  I had and still have to ask for so much help. My mom and sister have been a godsend in this area.
but there are some positives. I really learned so much about myself.  Even though I did cry before the procedure,  when it came down to it i handled my business, I talked to God and just relaxed. In the OR I wasn’t as nervous as i had been during the whole induction process. Finally after months of fighting,  worrying and trying to give it to GOD. ..i did. I gave it all to Him.

2015 has started with a bang for me, i have let go of all preconceived ideasn2of this year. I’m just praying my way through and hoping I don’t miss anything that God is saying.

C-section Mommy,
RENEÉ

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