I woke up this morning with the goofiest grin on my face-my heart filled with peace. Why? Because I felt LOVE. I grew up witnessing some negative relationships; in fact most of my family members have been divorced at least once. This left a very distrustful view of marriage and relationships in my life. I, at a very young age, said I would never get married. Then hormones kicked in and I met a guy. I KNEW he would be my husband, because in 8th grade love is so real, right? I mean everyone who meets in middle school has a great chance of marriage (sarcasm). LOL. BUT it felt so real-was so intense, it had to be love- I mean it’s exactly what all the songs say love is, the quickening of the heartbeat, mind consumed by the thought of the other person. But alas, he hugged another girl (my sworn enemy mind on) on Valentines Day and we broke up. How dare he! SMH
From the point until 12th grade, I really didn’t talk to guys seriously then I met “Trent” who was an extremely sweet guy- but we were on two different paths. I want to travel, see the world, and meet new people. He wanted to stay in the house and play video games. We dated for almost two years got engaged and soon after broke up due to the pressure of a long distance relationship and being too serious too young. During this time a friendship blossomed into a relationship which lasted less than a year. And although I really thought I loved both my ex fiancé I moved onto a another boyfriend within four months and then was out to lunch with another guy the same week I broke up with my boyfriend. So you see a pattern here??
Unfortunately I didn’t.
Truth is I was looking for love in all the wrong places. First God is love-I heard that so much growing up, but it was all head knowledge. There is a big difference in head knowledge and heart felt belief. I had some pretty critical family members who when I did good acknowledged it, but if I did bad I had a six hour lecture coming on how much I screwed up. SO for me I feared mistakes, because I felt their love pull away when I did something wrong- they might not have meant it that way, but that’s exactly how I felt. Screwing up =coldness and I couldn’t deal with it and it’s why I rarely took risks AND also why I was hyper critical in my relationships. If you loved me you would work really really hard not to screw up (I know I was) and if you did then I was the one who was going to pull away.
What does ALL of this have to do with Radical 7even..and love ( poor child just described her failed relationships…) Well it starts with a little journey I’ll call surprise
Divorce is hard on a family, but for some reason even though I was an adult I took divorce pretty hard. While everyone else was trying to settle into their new normal. I began to rebel. I prayed that God would save my family and he hadn’t.
I soon met a guy who was to eager to let me cry on his shoulder (and in his bed) and I soon found myself dramatic music please pregnant!
In the beginning of my “surprise” pregnancy I didn’t’ know who to reach out to. I mean I was the good girl right, things like this doesn’t happen to the good girl. I was a faithful member of my church, my dad had a position in the church.. how in the world would this look?
I had just graduated college, had a low paying job and a super unhappy future-father-to-be. How could I raise a child? When I did finally reach out the reaction I got was not exactly what I expected. Someone actually told me that if the father was no good then the baby couldn’t be any good either. No one even mentioned me keeping the baby. As scared, as I was I really wanted this child, but it seemed like there was no way I could do this, I would love to say I prayed, but I couldn’t even do that. I had sinned and now God was gone (a bit dramatic but it’s exactly how I felt).
I was told my job would fire me ( I work with teens so my unwed pregnancy could be seen as a negative influence), that I couldn’t afford to raise a baby, who would help me raise him?
The week before my scheduled first appointment with the abortion clinic, I told my mother and my Bible study girls that I was pregnant. My mother hugged me while I cried and told me everything would be ok. She said I couldn’t go through with an abortion and I knew in my heart I couldn’t either. It’s not that I couldn’t I really didn’t want to, but I also couldn’t figure out how to keep the baby either.
The next step was to tell the HIS girls. HIS (Heavenly Inspired Sisters) is a Bible study group that grew turned into life long friends I met in college. These are girls I have always been completely honest with, but I almost chickened out on telling them, because I just knew that I was wrong. It took every fiber in my being to let the words fall from my lips: “I’m pregnant”. As I said it I watched their faces. All of them a glow: the first thing Kelly said was: “well now pregnancy cuts down on certain kinds of cancer”. The rest sat there and said you’re going to be a great mom. And in that moment I knew I would be.
It was through my pregnancy that I first felt true unconditional love. My mother and my HIS girls were there for late night texts, tears, laughs and cravings. No matter how I felt they loved and supported me through one of the biggest changes of my life. It is only through their support that I was able to stand through all the criticism, judgments, naysayers, emotional rollercoaster and hormones. God turned my entire life around, my son’s name is Daniel-God is my judge. And that is the story of my life. GOD is my judge He is the one who determines the end of my story NO man on Earth has that power. It is through Daniel that God was able to birth not just a new life, but a new meaning of life for me. One of my goals is to do it afraid, which I did with my pregnancy and birth of my son. My new do it afraid is to step out and do more things that I’ve always been afraid to do:
- Be completely authentic and vulnerable with my testimony (check)
- Be completely honest about my feelings (check)
- Begin the process to start my own business (in progress)
- Empower people to try God for themselves (in progress)
* more to come*
I wanted to share my story so you will understand why I am working on doing things I fear. I feared opening myself up and had I not opened up then I wouldn’t have experienced true unconditional love. I wouldn’t have my beautiful baby boy, who makes me smile every single day.
The enemy tried to snatch all of this away from me, by making me fear the very thing God was using to bring me closer to Him and to bring so much love into my life. I will begin facing my fears this year. If I fail it will be an opportunity that God will use to better me, and if I succeed ….well that’s what we are aiming for.
Keep pressing, don’t let anyone else TELL you what you can and can not do. Let God’s Word be the final Word in ANY decision you make.
Remember: Hebrews 12:2
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.