My name is Kelly and I’m two days late posting this blog. It is difficult for me to describe to any of my friends or family exactly how hopeless I’ve been feeling lately. I tried to put on a brave face last week in my video and ‘pull myself up by my bootstraps’. That worked for a day or two. I was going to do the same thing this week but I couldn’t fake it. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m exhausted and uninspired.
I should be feeling grateful. I worked for 7 years–hard–to make sure I could end up where I am now. I’ve reached the Promised Land so to speak. I am a doctoral candidate in a very good, APA accredited Ph.D. program. Why do I feel nothing?
I drove up to Crestview for the first time in a month on Friday. Through a series of wrong turns and a LOT of redbull I finally arrived at about 3am. I’d lost my key so I had to crawl through a window but I didn’t care. I was HOME. I experienced that irreplaceable feeling of being close to my family (particularly William) that gives me strength, peace and happiness.
Saturday was a perfect day. I took William to the beach and we played and basked in the sun for four perfectly blissful hours. The water felt like a warm bath. The sand was warm and cool just beneath. The breeze and the sun combined into this perfect blanket of 80 degree movement. I felt like the weight had been lifted. If I could have stayed in that moment I would still be there now. I look at the picture I posted to the Radical 7even facebook page and pretend that I am still there. This is my happy place.
The rest of Saturday was relaxing and fun as well. I got to spend time with Pam–much needed girl time. We drove to the beach and back in search of a place to get manicures. We didn’t find any place open, but we had fun sharing stories and making plans. 😉 We shared more of that invaluable girl talk over lattes at Starbucks and finished the night off with a shameless viewing of Eclipse. I never get tired of watching those boys fight over Bella. Ah… home sweet home.
Now I am back in Tampa. I woke up again with that feeling of ‘why get out of bet’? I can logically think of dozens of reasons I should be excited to be here. I’m 3-4 years away from financial stability. I am making my family and friends proud. I just received the sweetest card from Danielle, with exactly what I needed to hear in it. I worked my butt off to get the chance to be here at my dream school. Logically it makes perfect sense why I should feel inspired, ecstatic, or at least content. But when it comes to the emotions associated with all of this logic, I’m drawing a blank.
That blank is what I feel and what I thought of when trying to come up with a blog this week. It was only this morning that realized Radical 7even is not a blog of overcoming obstacles and reaching our goals every week. It’s a blog about reaching or goals and overcoming in 7 years, with HONEST updates each week. Well in 7 years I will meet my goals. I’ll overcome. I’ll have emotions that match my logic. I’ll have time to recreate the perfect days like last Saturday and the means to make that possible. For now… for this week, all I have is my honesty. I’m drawing a blank.