This note is for all the women and young girls that had or are having issues with their father…
When I was a baby my parents broke up and I was raised my mother. My father and my mom never got back together. They are currently not married to anyone and they never been married. My father and I always had a complicated relationship. When I was younger, I dealt w/ a lot of broken promises from my father. I spent a lot of time writing in my diary! lol! I often blamed myself for my parents not being together. I had a lot of issues. During the time I was a teenager, I was very angry at my father for not being active in my life. I saw/spend time with my father every now and then. I had a really bad attitude. I lashed out at people for no reason at times because I didn’t know how to deal with the hurt and the pain that I was experiencing. Every time I talked to my father, I would chew him out. In high school, I had to get a little counseling which helped a little bit. In college, the issues that I had with my father didn’t go away. They blew up in face. All the things that I suppressed came out in the open. I had to deal with father’s alcoholism and my dad doing drugs which really took a toil on me. I blamed myself for the way he was. I learned from taking a couple of classes that I wasn’t the one to blame for his alcoholism and for who he was. I learned that his problem had nothing to do with me even though it affected me. I went through counseling in college which helped a great deal!
Now that I’m no longer in college (I’m a college graduate), I still deal with those same issues from my childhood. I deal with my father not being dependable and still making broken promises. Sometimes he comes through for but majority of the time he doesn’t. I hardly ask him for anything because of that reason. People always ask me why I don’t show any emotion. Let me you in on a little secret: I show no emotion because I don’t want to be disappointed. I never get myself overly worked up about anything because I expect to be disappointed. I can be excited inside but you will not see that emotion because I don’t want to display that emotion and things fall through. I have a hard time trusting people because of what I went through with my father. I have to see that people are going to do what they say they are going to do. When I see that people are consistent w/ what they say, then I know that I can trust them.
I talk to my father on a weekly basis mainly for a short period of time. He usually is the one that calls me. He always tell me that he loves me and cares about me but I hardly see him show any action behind it. Now that I’m older, I’m tired of going through the same things. Sometimes I feel like the relationship with my father is a broken beyond repair. I hardly have a relationship w/ my father’s side of the family. I see/hear from them every now and then. I talk to my half brother (we have the same father) every blue moon. I try my best to deal with these issues but they take a toil on me. Sometimes I get to the point where I want to cut off the little relationship that I have with him so I can have more peace. I hope one day when I have children, that they won’t have to go through what I go through with my father. I want my children’s father to be there for them and to show them that he loves them each and every day. I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their father.
I often hear mothers say that they will be their child’s father and mother. That’s not possible. I don’t care what anyone says, a child needs their father just like they need their mother. If a child’s father is not active in their life, the child needs a father figure. Since my father wasn’t active in my life, I have issues w/ trust, had a negative outlook on men, and was bitter. I used to think all men were dogs. My outlook on men is more positive now. =) I think if my father was there for me like he should have been, I would had less issues.
Even though my biological father isn’t everything I want him to be, I have forgiven him for what he has done. I’m glad that I have a HEAVENLY FATHER that loves me and cares for me. He has been a better father to me than my biological father has been. I’m glad that God is a comforter and a healer! =) He is a God full of love, mercy, and grace!