Have you ever felt the world was against you? Have you ever felt that that someone was conspiring against you? Though I don’t actual feel that way, the thought has crossed my mind. I promise I have applied to over 250 jobs over the past year and nothing has come into fruition. I have applied to legal jobs while in law school as well as culinary jobs, assistant positions, and social service jobs. I will admit that in the beginning I was picky about jobs, but now I in such a bind that I am considering applying for fast food. Not that there is anything wrong with it!
Of course I would love to get experience in the culinary field, and trust me I have applied to many of those types of jobs. Same result: they are impressed with my portfolio, tell me I have a lot of potential, the employer gets excited about training me… but then no call back. I will admit I am hurt by this. I have been trying and trying, applying here and there and in all types of fields and yet no full-time job. I need a job! Since I am not in school, I need some structure because I feel lost. I feel I should be doing something with my life besides substituting and filling in. Not that I don’t like it, I just pictured my life differently.
Sometimes, I feel hopeless and that God is not listening to me. I get angry and frustrated to the point that I just don’t care. But somehow, He helps me to keep pushing forward… but my thoughts are “pushing forward to what?” What do I want out of life? What do I want to do? Where do I want to live? I really don’t know anymore. I had my life planned out. Get a four year degree. Check! Get a higher degree… Che… wait? Is that what I really wanted? I am not so sure. I pursued it because it was expected of me. Sometimes I wished I would have waited before starting college, worked a little and got to know myself better. High school was very confusing for me and I was turning in so many directions. Maybe that is why I am still questioning what I really want to do with my life.
See, in high school I was the kid who was creative but did not explore much… something I kind of regret. I love art and I love being creative. While in high school, I never really thought about what major I really wanted to pursue. I was focused on all things except school. When it came time to choose a major to apply for college, I just randomly picked one and went with it. It just so happened to be Industrial Design at Auburn. I did not think, I just did what I was expected to do and focused on what was in front of me. Nothing wrong with that, I just never really took time to think about what does Beyondai really want out of life. I just let it happen to me for the most part. My Papa was the voice of reason and expert on getting an education. Right after graduating, my Papa past away and I fell into a whole. I just felt empty. But I still remember His last words to me, “B, I don’t care what career you choose. When you choose it, just do it with all your might and to the best of your ability no matter how hard it gets.”
My Papa’s words of advice was hard for me to process because it hard picking one thing to do. lol. Not bragging, I am good at many things. How can I pick just one? I’m 23 and still don’t know what I want to pursue. Yes, I got a Bachelors degree in Social Work. Yes, I pursued law. But was that what I really wanted to do? I question myself and many of my decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I decided to leave law school. I need this time to think because I felt I was stuck in something I was not sure I really wanted. It sucks, because I want to have my -ish together. I don’t want to fake it until I make it!!! lol But the harder I try to plan, the harder it is for my plan to come together. Maybe there is a bigger plan. A master plan that I am forgetting… hmm… what could it be? Oh, yeah! God’s plan! I have been asking but have not heard an answer. I guess this is my waiting season. People have told me about these waiting seasons, but I didn’t believe they really existed. Now, I do!
Waiting for me meant being unproductive in achieving a higher goal. Waiting for God means letting everything fall into place so that you want miss a single blessing when the next season comes. I need a mental shift. A change in attitude about where I am, especially when I am asked what’s next by people. Stop asking me this freaking question, because I DON’T KNOW!!! I’m waiting on God to answer that question. Until then, I am sitting my butt down because I don’t want to make a mess of my life.
For those of you out there who can’t find a job though you are applying your butt off, I feel your pain. But understand that God is in control and will provide for your needs while you are in your waiting season. So, don’t worry and don’t fret. Use this time to explore some interest, research fields that you have been interested over the years, reflect on your past and the influences you have had, and discover new talents. Though it may seem unproductive to do so because you want a career and you want it now, know that God does not define you by a career but the person you are developing to be while in your waiting season.
I hope my season inspires you and lets you know that you are not the only one struggling to find yourself in a world so big and so contrary to who God says you are. You are not a failure if you decide to change your direction in life. You are blessed because you realized God has something better in store for you. Keep holding on and I will continue to pray for you. Chile, pray fo’ me to, cause it sho is tough. 😉 Love you and have a blessed weekend!