I think I will start with an update and then roll into my actual blog:
1) procrastination is still one of my biggest demons…I have tried a million and one techniqes to quit..and like a junkie I keep going back to it. I have no clue why, but I am working on at least cutting it down a bit..making baby steps
2) God blessed me with one A thus far in my first semester (still waiting on my other class) and I feel SOOOO pumped about that. The journey back to school was filled with many doubts and I mainly wanted to wait until my son was a bit older thinking that a toddler and grad school would be a horrible mix. But God had other plans, he sent someone to me who literally almost pushed my in front of a computer and made me register for the MAT, classes the whole nine and I am super thankful to him for doing that. Really for letting God use him, because I wasn’t thinking about school at all this year, was not on the agenda.
3) Dating…um….let’s put it this way…LOL um….. *crickets* It’s going well I guess I just think my mindset is different from most people my age and it make it difficult for me to relate. (shrug)
NOW *drum roll* the blog
My whole life I have learned how to hide true emotions,fears,hurts you name it I have hid it. No one (or very few knew) what was really going on with me and a few family members how we all looked perfect on the outside but were actually two strings away from completely collapsing. Or how so many adults depended on a child to help them make adult decisions. I always feel like my actual childhood ended at 13, because that’s when the fantasy of my secure uncomplicated existence crumbled, but I digress. I was taught to keep whatever is going on in house should stay in house..and that’s not always the best method, secrets stop healing..that my friends is nothing but the facts. Anywho, this spilled over into every relationship( romantic, friend, family) I ever had. I quickly learned how to detach from people and replace those people without too much fuss or complications. I remember once breaking up with a boyfriend on Wednesday and having a lunch date lined up for that Friday. Did I really like my boyfriend, yes, but I also know how to keep it moving. Most of my friends (both male and female) said I treated relationships like most men never getting too deep in, never too involved. I was never that girl who couldn’t eat, or sleep because the guy left or she left the guy. Never been that chick, I doubt I ever will be, I don’t want anyone that doesn’t want to be with me. Simple logic to me. But many of my female friends marveled as to how I was able to completely detach from someone. Mostly it’s because it was probably a facade in the first place.
This has been true even with family. There are a few family members that I have refused to speak to in years. I don’t think about them, talk about them and I definitely don’t talk to them. It’s all about self preservation for me, and if I see you as a threat..I cut you out plain and simple. As I get closer to God I realize that maybe being so as some would say cut throat isn’t the best method…but it’s all I’ve known. Not making excuses but I know that the first step is recognizing it.
I never saw relationships as anything permenat so I never treated them like they were. The only thing that could or would stop this pattern of behavior would have to be something major: enter Daniel stage right LOL.
Since becoming a mother I realized that being authentic with everything (my feelings, wants, desires etc) is exactly what my son needs from me. He doesn’t need me to pretend with him he needs someone he can trust that will be honest with him and allow him to be honest with me as well. God knows that this entire life journey is about relationships, our relationship with Him and then with those around us. God wants us to be honest and real with him..and as much as possible with others. There are times when one must use discernment about what they say and who they say it to, but always be as honest as possible about what you are feeling in those moments. I’ve stopped caring (or I am learning to stop caring) what someone might think if I do shed tears, or laugh, or get up to hug someone or take them to the side and pray with them. Look at the world around you, everyone has the same stupid pasted on grin..it can’t always be that way..most people are taught to deny who they are, how they feel, what they feel. I think when Jesus talks about freeing those in bondage I think this is what He means…in order to truly serve Christ you have to let go of image..let go of what people might say or think.
- If David would have listened to what others said there’s no way he would have fought Goliath
- Had Abram (soon Abraham) listened to his family he might have stayed in the land and not become a forefather of faith
- Had Esther let her gender stop her, who would have stood up during the eminent persecution of the Jews
- If Noah had listened to others he would have drowned when God flooded the earth.
Those are just a few examples of those who stood up and out..not following the crowd, being authentic to their relationship to God and their calling. You are chosen for such a time as this. God chose you, your testimony, your background, your speech, weight, height etc so YOU could reach someone that might not be as open or strong to talk about what they need. You may never know who you touch, or how you change a life. Just know that being authentic, being fearless in YOUR skin flaws and all makes you beautiful, makes you worthy. Don’t rely on popular opinions that sways with the wind. Stand on God’s Word which has stood the test of time.
Cheers to the end of a masquerade