I feel like a house divided. I know where how God wants me right now. But its how he wants me to do it is what confuses me.
I pride myself in following my guts and thinking through things with clear insight. I try to make decisions based on those things as well as, when appropriate feedback from others, and the situation itself to come to a good conclusion for everyone involved.
I have been in leadership positions many times. I care about what I do and try to do the best for the program I am working with. The same goes for my current job. I take into consideration the riders, co-workers, horses and volunteer. This makes the choices not always easy but I usually feel good about what I have decided. I feel like God has led me in the right direction.
But then I have others that want to question me. As I build up confidence, I am getting at ease with the questions, because truly, no one should ever follow blindly. My trouble seems to be who’s questioning me and how I react to it.
I have new relationships with my superiors now. I am trying to balance the right amount of obedience and fight. I don’t mean fight, like cause problems, but to “fight” by sticking up for what I believe the program needs. In the past, I have nodded and asked questions, because I wasn’t the one in the position to question things. But now I am.
A good example: dealing with anger and how when to let someone know a decision ahs angered me. Sometimes it angers me because I know what I did was the best thing, but others don’t see it that way. Or when it comes to defending other. How angry is expectable? How much anger is disrespectful?
I tried on the anger dress, the obedience suite, the questioning smock and many more. But I need a suit if armor made of all of this. I need to be do many things at once including is strong but giving.
Learning how to do this is hard. I know that God is teaching me as I am adapting to dealing with more people than just him. I am just proud, that at the end of the day, I have done what I felt God has asked me to do. I have decided that if for some reason, this isn’t what others want, and then he will lead me to something more. He hasn’t forsaken me yet.