I have some of the most amazing, astounding, awesome friends in the world, but we all have on fatal flaw..we all seem to push ourselves to the max and have high sometimes unattainable standards. I have been extremely busy this month. My case worker is on maternity leave so I am covering two caseloads, I was promoted (yay) so I have additional responsibilities there (plus still doing my old position until the new program coordinator starts on the 1st. I was also informed this week a coworker would be out so I would be filling in for her for a few days, not sure if you counted but that’s 5 positions. Program coordinator/case manager/Family advocate/intake/emergency service provider. I have been extremely busy today, because Friday is always our busy day (well, that and Monday), but I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. The only problem is not getting caught up in what I do and allowing that to define me. Why, because positions change, desires fade so…what are you when the titles drop?
This became very evident last weekend when I attended my first major event without my son. Again, I do everything with him, if you see him..You see me. But for this occasion I knew he wouldn’t sit still so I decided to leave baby with my family and head to a wedding. I felt so awkward without my child there. I had forgotten how to do all the fun line dances that I used to be the leader of just a few years ago. When I saw an attractive man…I didn’t know how to approach him..why because I’ve been in super mommy mode for the past 28 months (pregnancy plus the last 19 months of my son’s life). And I just pour my all into him. Which I don’t regret, but I am like who the heck am i? I mean i have a degree, a decent job, God has allowed me to pay for all the nice little things, but WHO am I. That’s something I thought I knew, but I haven’t paid myself much attention in two years. Don’t get me wrong I don’t go around wearing mom jeans, but when the potential cutie pie at the wedding asked me about myself. Every answer somehow related to me being a mom Guy: Oh so you like to travel, where would you like to go. Me: well I really want to take my son to Italy. Guy: You write poetry what kind of poetry do you write. Me: well I write about my love for my son. Guy: So what do you do in your free time. ME: well, I am busy chasing my son around…(do you get the picture). He probably thought I sounded like the Waterboy “mamma said….” LOL
I will always say that being mommy is my first priority, but eventually Daniel will start to do more and more on his own, which he’s actually trying to do now. If I hold on too tight I stunt growth, not just his but mine as well. I’ve been really asking God to define me, my life, my journey. And I think right now I am on the right path. I thank God everyday for allowing me to do what I do daily, but I don’t want to get caught up in that. I want to be content without being controlling. What tends to happen is I come in and I just run wild, do this this and this and don’t forget that. When what I should do is pray, make an assessment, pray again and just began to work. The same applies to mommyhood. Pray, play, enjoy, let go, hold tight, enjoy, pray hold tight (you get the picture). There’s so much more to life than trying to be perfect, have the title..you have to actually live the life. I am ready to accept the main title that matters: Woman of God. When I do that He will take care of everything else 🙂
No Title needed,