So the whole point of the radical 7even journey is to be completely honest with where we are. So this entry will not be so much of a lifter of spirits as it is just an honest place of where I am.
So…the past couple weeks have been hard, I’ve been so focused on school, adjusting to the new job title and requirements that I’ve been run down, tired, stressed and all almost everyday. I wake up tired, because I am not resting at night. I have not been praying like I should, not been listening to positive uplifting music and overall have been very slouchy in my approach to this radical 7even journey.
why? Well, honestly I think it’s because I am amazed that I have gotten this far this fast. I almost feel greedy for asking for anything more although my heart has two real desires burning on the inside. I feel like Charlotte on the first Sex and the City movie when Carrie asked her why she stopped running, due to her pregnancy . She said: no one in life gets everything they ever wanted. Look at you and Big…” I think that’s what I am feeling like right now. Not that I have absolutely everything, but that I am doing so well. I do at times feel guilty especially when I know friends are praying for certain breakthroughs and it seems nothing is happening. I want everyone to succeed and be happy and blessed. And sometimes it happens for all of us at the same time…and other times it doesn’t. It’s a hard battle for me to be happy for myself when I know that someone close to me hasn’t quite gotten what they wanted.
So when I see lack in my life (this is going to sound absolutely crazy) I feel like that’s what I deserve. I am not that great, wonderful, awesome that I deserve the cool things that are happening. So I just kinda hold back. I think I am truly afraid to really open up and tell God exactly what I want. I know the mistakes I’ve made and although yes I know I’ve been forgiven…I don’t know I still feel that overwhelming sense that there is a limit to what I can have. Not sure where this idea comes from, because it is not based on anything in Scripture, but it’s the mental recorder in my head. I think it’s because I am so performance based. It’s incredibly difficult for me to understand how Someone, Who is Love who has never done anything wrong can look at me and still say I want to bless her.
It makes no sense to me. I have a head knowledge that THIS is a fact. No one deserves anything, yet He gives freely. Yet my heart can’t grasp the concept. I haven’t learned to trust God with my inner desires and fears. That’s just the truth..it really has been hitting me lately. I don’t like vulnerability even with God. There are times when He knocks me down..and those are the times I can’t fake how I’m feeling. But there are other times that I do ignore that desire in my heart and tell myself nope..that’s just not possible. It’s something that I am working on and I hope that before this journey is over I really understand and accept ALL that God has for me.