I am a sociologist at heart..I always have been,even before my title. Social mores, formation (and dissolution) of relationships have always fascinated me. Needless to say now that I am dating again I’m noticing some fallacies in my thought process…which might also be someone else’s. So I thought I would share what I feel God has been revealing tome (for those keeping score at home-this goal falls under the read and question things daily). Due to my rad7even goals it is my job to question anything I feel was ingrained in me, why? Because I believe it is just as important to know why you believe what you believe as it is to know what you believe. Any who, from the time a young girl opens her mouth to cry her entrance into the world I.e. birth she is usually told she’s a princess, she’s special, she’s beautiful and she’s important.
Now on the surface these are amazing statements and in the eyes of God this is true. He made us unique, special..He gave us purpose outside of Him life has no meaning. The problem occurs when women take this same “I’m special, I’m a princess approach” in the dating world. (Disclaimer-I am not saying women should be with jerks, but rather have a more realistic view of themselves in a relationship) here’s the deal…this little girl now grown woman will not be special to everyguy she dates. There are some guys that may never call her after their first date, may not answer her texts and may not even remember her if he were to run into her in public. That’s normal and it happens to everyone. To prove this let me ask, have you ever been out and someone called you by name, came up to chat for awhile (asked about your mom,child or job) and walked away..and you had no clue who that person was??? See that person didn’t register because…well, honestly they didn’t 1) make an impression on you 2) didn’t make it into your top 5 most important people.
In the midst of my research (and I have researched-from interviewing male friends, reading male perspective blogs and other findings from other sociologist looking at the phenomena we call dating) most men will date multiple women at a time before he actually selects the one he wants to settle down with. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule, but by in large I’ve seen it more so that a man will date until he makes up in his mind that he is ready to settle down. And in doing so he will have a pool of potential applicants. This doesn’t always mean a million other girls it could be just two, but he does have options. I find this to be totally different from how most women date. From what I’ve seen,read (and done) even if a woman has let’s say 3 potentials she will probably wittle out two even before the one she wants actuallychooses her. For example, Samantha is dating tom,shon and Patrick.Patrick has everything samantha thinks she wants although they haven’t been dating long (less than 90 days esp if she’s sleeping with patrick). Samantha is more likely to either stop talking to shon and tom (or dramatically decrease contact) once she feels patrick is the “one”. Even before she has had the “where’s this relationship going” convo.or worse even if Patrick tells her right now he doesn’t want a relationship. She is more likely to spend just as much time (if not more) with patrick because she assumes that if he spends more time with her, her awesomeness will change his mind. And again if she’s sleeping with him she’s already connected to him on a deeper level(in her mind). This is why sex can really confuse situations when there’s no commitment (esp. Not being married).
While Patrick on the other hand might be dating samantha,trina, nicole and heather. Patrick is more likely to continue to date almost equally all four until one really begins to “outshine” the others. I find this absolutely fascinating. The reason why some women end up with broken hearts might be found in the fact that she emotionally connected with someone before he earned that privlege. I can only speak for me, but if I like you, am nice to you, want to be with you..I assume the same should be true of the person all this emotional energy is going to. But it might not. Every person thinks (or should think) they are awesome why would someone not wanna be with me? Truth is everyone is looking for something different. Although Samantha is college educated, with a good job and no kids, Patrick might choose Nicole who is still in undergrad (for the past 8 years) has two children and still is undecided about her future..simply because a career minded woman might not be on the top of his list. His top priority is a woman who is family oriented and has a traditional view on relationships. But if samantha found out that patrick dumped her for Nicole..she will immediately run through the check list of why she’s better than Nicole. And this if we let it take root will birth a major insecurity in Samantha.
On paper you might think you are better than whoever, but each person has different qualities they are looking for. It is human to question a rejection because that goes against I’m awesome everyone should like me thought process lol. But its part of dating (fortunately-sometimes you don’t know what you’re being saved from). One guy I dated on and off for years married someone else during our off cycle. After a year and a half of marriage I found out his wife was divorcing him due to domestic violence. When I was dating him he never put his hands on me, but now that I know the signs of an abuser (being controlling and manipulative) I def see his potential for beating a woman. Had things been different.. I would have been in a life altering situation.
Besides the Ike Turner that I mentioned above, I’ve dated some really amazing guys, but they were not right for me. My ex fiance’ on paper was great,but as we grew- we didn’t grow together. In fact our personalities were very different and overall didn’t mesh in the grand scheme of things. This goes back to my premise, all women won’t be special to every guy just like every guy won’t be special to every women. As women I think we need to be more selective about who we allow in our hearts. Just because he seems to have everything you want it might not be everything you need. I trust that when the time is right that special person will be revealed to me through Christ and I will be revealed to him as well. Until then like the Bible says I will guard my heart. I am open to meeting new people,but not open to let just anyone in my life. That man has to earn that right. Anyway this is just some of my observations..comment below if you agree/disagree or just wanna talk!
I’m special..to that right one