Ok, so last week I said that I wasn’t doing anything radical and I wasn’t sure what to write about…that wasn’t entirely true. My brain was on overload and I just didn’t feel like diving into all the different thoughts running through my mind..which was actually causing me to be overwhelmed, which causes me to shut down..which caused me to not have radical moments. Welp, I decided to take some things head on this past week. For starters, a few weeks ago I wrote about how I tried out for a short film, I was super excited because I’ve always liked being on stage or on camera, but hadn’t done so in years, like maybe jr. high. So when the time came I was pumped. Well a few dates changed and my organization had a major event the same day I was to shoot. My boss was reluctant to let me take the day off because on days like that you really need all personnel, to top it off I had an extra shoot date right before finals….i just was over committed. And I really wrestled with what to do, i honestly wanted to do it, but my time commitment just wasn’t there like I thought it would be. So, I declined the offer…which I felt bad about because it was close to the first rehearsal date, but I thought it was better to do so before rehearsal than after…since we only had two real rehearsal days. I don’t like doing things last minute, I don’t like people telling me stuff last minute so I felt horrible that two days before rehearsal I pulled out. I tried to find a replacement before hand, but just couldn’t. The pressure I felt for this decision was crazy. I wasn’t being paid for the part, dates had been changed from what I originally agreed too, yet I pride myself on being a person of my word. Good news is I found out that they did find a replacement and everything seems to be flowing. But this incident made me realize that I really work hard to please other people. I was willing to miss work and study time for my finals all because of my word. I was in such a bind over it, but when I talked to my boyfriend and Danielle they were like do what you feel lead to do. See I started having feelings that maybe I shouldn’t go through with it earlier that week. But because I had already committed I wanted to see my commitment through even though in my spirit I no longer felt lead to continue on. all I kept thinking was: how will I look, what will they say..will they be mad, can they find someone so quickly. Instead of trusting my instincts I went off of pride.. I pride myself on this, on that blah blah blah. But honestly I need to pride myself on following the Holy Spirit. He knows where I need to be and what I need to be doing and that’s my first step. Even if it causes discomfort, even if it causes people to look at my strange or weird.. I need to be obedient to that instinct. Had I done so I wouldn’t have wrestled an extra two days over this issue. I would have just put my big girl panties on and bit the bullet like I ended up doing anyway. And afterwards… I felt peace about my decision. I always know what to do, but I second guess myself so much that I just don’t trust what I have going on. So I am going on a fast, starting today, and I am asking for God to direct my path.
Following the true leader,