Archive for May, 2012
I love this song. I heard it on the radio and had no idea who it was and then recently one of my very talented clients asked if she could play me a song. After she finished playing the song I was almost in tears. I was having one of those days where I was very thankful to be a therapist but was also emotionally drained from the previous sessions. I had almost cancelled our session that day because I was exhausted and just wanted to go home and lay down. I am so grateful that I did not cancel because like clockwork, God’s grace never fails. He needed me to hear the song and pay attention to the lyrics. My favorite line in the song is “How can I stand here and not be moved by you?” I hope you enjoy the song as much as I did. I hope the lyrics speak to your heart.I hope you take a look around and allow yourself to be moved by the goodness of the Lord.
As always…one day at a time,
I have so fallen off the bandwagon with some of my goals it’s not even funny. I haven’t been to church since..Hm..Easter. Which is unusual for me, I usually love going to church and being around fellow Christians, but lately my home church hasn’t been feeling so “home” like to me. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m feeling extremely disconnected lately. When I go through things I tend to get to myself and try to rethink and regroup, but I usually do that with God included. Lately, sad to admit I’ve done so not with Him as much. I’m just been kind of here..and I honestly don’t know why. I think if I sit still long enough God will reveal it to me. I think it’s why I haven’t been spending that alone time with Him like I used to, I think I feel He’s going to ask me to do something I’d rather not do..so I’m having a Jonah experience right now. I also feel disconnected because one of my best friends recently moved and I feel kind of lost without her being in the same city, because she’s someone that I spoke with quite frequently..like literally everyday. So I’m just trying to adjust…hopefully I will have some “good” news soon
I would like to give you a warning that this post is going to be all over the place..lol..I have been scattered brain a lot lately its not even funny. Last week, the WHMC has a fundraiser called the “The Great Turnaround”. The guest speaker was Dr. Bruce Wilkinson. He was awesome! We raised a little bit over 100,ooo for WHMC! It wasn’t a huge crowd that came out (it was less than 400 people) but thank God for the money that was raised.
This week started out ok but then I started to feel overwhelmed for the past few days. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep and I’ve been having a lot on my mind. The two programs that I’m working on for my sorority are now coming into action. Its exciting but scary at the same time. lol..I’m like is this really happening? lol. I’m trying to manage both of the programs at the same time and get things in order. Until this point, I been praying about the programs months asking for a breakthrough and been submitting my ideas. Now its time for me to put in the work!
On Tuesday I had a work meeting and an evangelism in-service at WHMC. I return to work next week and I’m happy but not happy at the same time..lol..I’ve been used to sitting at the house and chillin..lol..I know lazy right! I’ve still been volunteering since I haven’t been working. The work meeting went well. The Evangelism In-service was awesome! One of the client advocate volunteers talked about how to share the gospel with the clients. I somewhat struggle when I share the gospel with my clients. I know that I have to get more comfortable and have an idea of what I’m going to say to my clients. I need to practice so I can be better!
Personal issues: I’ve been learning a lot about myself and my past 2 relationships. I’m dealing w/ a lot of mixed emotions from the last 2 relationships I had. I’ve been comparing both relationships and trying to learn from them. The parallels are crazy! My goal is to get to the point where I can be fully happy. I know happiness doesn’t come from a person but from God and within. I learned that I’ve been suppressing a lot of my emotions and now everything that I suppressed is coming out in the open. They have been hitting me hard! Suppression is my defense mechanism. When I don’t want to deal with things, I suppress them. I’m learning who I am and I learned that I put my identity in the things I do (i.e. relationships) instead of Christ. I want a very close relationship with God. I’ve been working on getting in my quality time with God. I want to grow more spiritually and get in my word more. Please keep me in your prayers! God bless!
I’m guilty… I haven’t blogged in a while. I have been refocusing my life. Right now, my life is split 3 different ways: family, photography, and oh yea… My new full time job. I’m a working girl now! 🙂 I teach pre school. So, by the time I get home, I’m in bed. I’m really tired after a full day of teaching and running after 1&2 year olds. I love it though! My photo business is picking up, so I’m really excited about that. Oh yea… I finished physical therapy so I’m back to my functioning self. I still have to take it easy though. Hopefully I get some type of rest soon. Nothing else really. Just working a lot! It feels like I’m back in undergrad when I was holding down 3&4 jobs at a time. I’ve missed this lifestyle, so it feels good to be grinding again. I give God all the glory for this.
Going back to bed now,
Change is a necessary component of growth. Life threw me a major curve ball a while back that resulted in my getting back in the work force. I was more or less forced to learn to trust others with my children. Very difficult for me! Now that I have been working for a while I feel less anxious about that. I am at the point where I could be a stay at home mom again. I think anyone would agree that with as many kids as I have, staying at home would make sense. For the first time, I have a job that completely fits my personality. Even though I could, I am not ready to give that up. I feel like God allowed these changes in my life to put me where I am now. I do not know how long I will be there but I hope it will be for a long time. While I will admit that there are still a lot of things that fall thru the cracks, work is way more restful than my job at home as a mother. It gives me a little space so that I can be more patient and attentive when I am with my children. I have not made progress on all of my goals for the year with all of this going on. I think the ultimate goal of spiritual growth and change has been a success. I have learned things about life and myself this year that I never knew before. That makes me really happy and I am thankful for what led to this new chance in direction.
In my Trusting God Girlfriends in God Devotional, I was asked what the biggest life in my life was right now. “I am not good enough,” has been the biggest lie for as long as I can remember. My doubts and insecurities turn inward, and I become paranoid of those around me. Until recently, I hadn’t thought to take these issues to God.
My therapeutic riding center just went through re-accreditation. We had two or three areas where we lacked when it came to meeting a standard. They were simple little things such as the doctor forgot to put a date on the release form or we mentioned another rider in a progress report. After this I felt lousy. These were simple things, and I missed them; I sucked at my job. Therefore, I was not worthy of that position.
I took the next after noon to relax and get some rest. As I read through my Bible, a thought occurred to me. When something goes wrong, we tend to get discouraged and think we cannot accomplish something. But if we simply reached out and touched faith, if we prayed for God’s guidance and support, we could accomplish anything that we set out to do.
I have also had a problem with paranoia. When people don’t call, it isn’t because forgot, they just didn’t want to talk to me. When people were whispering around me, instead of discussing something sensitive, they were talking about me. But God has clearly shown me on several occasions that these perceptions are wrong. I am no longer the shy, ugly, awkward girl who was teased and bullied in high school. I am a grown, beautiful woman, who can take charge of her life. I am working on realizing that when I have these feelings, the conspiracies they are all in my head. I have good friends and family that loves me. My co-workers respect me as does my boss, and my riders love me. What more do I need? Why should I care what unimportant people think?
When I have this paranoia or doubt in myself, I pray. I say a Bible verse that helps me feel strong or one that makes me feel at peace. I sing a happy song. I let me faith give me the strength to rewrite my negative thoughts.
So when you’ve made a mistake, don’t think you are a bad person, call out to God. Know that he loves you and that you are strong. When you think people are talking behind your back or conniving against you, reach out and touch faith. Know that God is with you.
This simple step, touching faith, has been a big help in working on my Radical 7even goal concerning my struggle with perfectionism. As I learn that I am worthy and people aren’t comprising against me, I learn to let go of that perfection I think I need to make other like me, therefore making me happy. I have chosen faith over fear, confidence over cowardice and power over panic*. Through God, I am happy.
*This statement comes from a prayer by Sharon Jaynes from the above mentioned devotional book. It was so powerful that I used it as part of my conclusion.
I just realized that I haven’t been posting my “radical” moments like I used to so I decided to update. Radical moment: Mothers Day weekend… I met my boyfriends son for the first time (and all of his extended family) that was interesting because I had two-2 year olds running around all weekend. But it was amazing, family is extremely important to me so it was wonderful being around all the people that are important to my bf..and plus I saw what our life would be like with two rambunctious boys LOL. I really enjoyed it, probably more than I thought I would. I’ve never dated anyone with a kid before..well not seriously and that’s been an interesting journey by itself. A blended family from the beginning..that’s something I never imagined. But it’s an incredible journey to watch these two little blessings grow up right before our eyes. I thank God that I decided to let go of my list (just a tad bit) and really allow God to work on me and change my desires.
Next on the list..a vacation to see some extended family members I haven’t seen in almost 5 years. I don’t talk to them much nor do i really know them, but we’ve had a rift that goes back 10 years and i think it’s time to see if this relationship can be salvaged or not. nervous but I’ve tried.
I also reached out to some of my son’s other brother’s mothers (say that three times fast) and..well got complete silence but I tried. So I will continue to pray and just leave the rest in God’s hands.
I am also planning a major even (more details to come soon) and this is different because it’s personal. the leukemia/ sickle cell event is on hold because no one will call me back..so I am now focusing on something for me..
I think that’s all for now folks