Last week I was an emotional wreck. Last Saturday, took the cake because I got really depressed. I had seen a picture of my ex (the one before my current ex) and his new girlfriend. I for some reason began to cry. I cried for over 15 mins and I remained depressed for the next couple of hours. I felt like Ally from “The Notebook” when she was in her wedding dress and she saw Noah in the newspaper. When Ally saw Noah in the newspaper she fainted and then was later in the bathtub in her veil crying her eyes out. Yes, I watched “The Notebook” last Saturday. Lol! Anyway I felt like that the rest of the night.
I had a rough sleep last Saturday. Also Sunday and Monday of this week. The biggest revelation I had this week was that I still have some feelings for my ex “Mike” (the one before my current ex) which is shocking to me. I thought those feelings were long gone. I guess they were suppressed. I realized this week that last yr, I should have given myself more time to heal and focus on myself instead of jumping into a relationship. I should had given myself more time to get to know my current ex “John”. When John came into my life, it was easy to bury my feelings of Mike since I had someone who I was interested in..I guess I can say he was kind of a distraction of my situation during that time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my current relationships and thinking about what I should have done differently. I learned that I accepted “unacceptable behaviors” in both relationships. Behaviors such as being controlled, lack of communication, and manipulation just to name a few. Since I been at home, I been having A LOT of time to think..lol..I usually don’t have that time to think on the level I am now b/c I’m usually working or distracted. I can’t wait until this “storm” is over. I been going through a lot emotionally. I can say this week has been a lot better than last week.
I’m also going through financially since I’m not working right now. I’ll be glad when I go back to work at the end of the month. I’m trying my best to not stress myself out. Yesterday, my co-worker made me upset again. She asked me if she could borrow $50 until next Tuesday. This is the same co-worker that asked me for $20 last week and $20 the week before that. She did pay me back the $40 on last Friday. I had to tell her “no” yesterday and for her to ask someone else to help her. I’m really low on money and I can’ afford to lend her anything else. She told me not to worry about it which I was glad. I don’t mind helping people every now and then but yesterday was my last straw. I get tired of lending her money (even though she pays me back). I know how it is to struggle financially but I shouldn’t always be the one getting called to lend money. I feel like I’m being used and that’s not a good feeling. So I’m not going to lend her anymore money If she gets mad, she is just going to have to be mad at me. I had to vent ya’ll! lol!
Back to relationship woes (lol): It feels kind of funny focusing on myself because I’m not used to it at all! I’m used to putting other people needs before my own. I’m learning how important it is to wait on God and not to move ahead of him. So until God gives me the “green light” on getting into another relationship, I’m laying low. I’m going to get me together and focus on growing more spiritually! Like Katt Williams says, you have to get in tune w/ your #1 player (yourself)!! God bless!
**The names in this post, are fake except my name lol..