In my Trusting God Girlfriends in God Devotional, I was asked what the biggest life in my life was right now. “I am not good enough,” has been the biggest lie for as long as I can remember. My doubts and insecurities turn inward, and I become paranoid of those around me. Until recently, I hadn’t thought to take these issues to God.
My therapeutic riding center just went through re-accreditation. We had two or three areas where we lacked when it came to meeting a standard. They were simple little things such as the doctor forgot to put a date on the release form or we mentioned another rider in a progress report. After this I felt lousy. These were simple things, and I missed them; I sucked at my job. Therefore, I was not worthy of that position.
I took the next after noon to relax and get some rest. As I read through my Bible, a thought occurred to me. When something goes wrong, we tend to get discouraged and think we cannot accomplish something. But if we simply reached out and touched faith, if we prayed for God’s guidance and support, we could accomplish anything that we set out to do.
I have also had a problem with paranoia. When people don’t call, it isn’t because forgot, they just didn’t want to talk to me. When people were whispering around me, instead of discussing something sensitive, they were talking about me. But God has clearly shown me on several occasions that these perceptions are wrong. I am no longer the shy, ugly, awkward girl who was teased and bullied in high school. I am a grown, beautiful woman, who can take charge of her life. I am working on realizing that when I have these feelings, the conspiracies they are all in my head. I have good friends and family that loves me. My co-workers respect me as does my boss, and my riders love me. What more do I need? Why should I care what unimportant people think?
When I have this paranoia or doubt in myself, I pray. I say a Bible verse that helps me feel strong or one that makes me feel at peace. I sing a happy song. I let me faith give me the strength to rewrite my negative thoughts.
So when you’ve made a mistake, don’t think you are a bad person, call out to God. Know that he loves you and that you are strong. When you think people are talking behind your back or conniving against you, reach out and touch faith. Know that God is with you.
This simple step, touching faith, has been a big help in working on my Radical 7even goal concerning my struggle with perfectionism. As I learn that I am worthy and people aren’t comprising against me, I learn to let go of that perfection I think I need to make other like me, therefore making me happy. I have chosen faith over fear, confidence over cowardice and power over panic*. Through God, I am happy.
*This statement comes from a prayer by Sharon Jaynes from the above mentioned devotional book. It was so powerful that I used it as part of my conclusion.