Archive for January, 2013
Hello everyone! So in a couple of mins from now it will be another day and a new month! =) Last weekend, I revealed a situation that I was involved in w/ a guy (let’s call him Sammie) that I liked. Revealing that situation to Sammie was very hard for me. I would write about what the situation was on this post but to be honest, I’m too ashamed to share it (only 3 people know about what happened). So with that being said, I’ll just say that it’s a situation that I look back on and regret. Have you ever been involved in something that at the time felt right to your flesh (I’m not talking about sex..I’m talking about acting out of your flesh) but you later realize it was wrong to do? Let’s say that the situation was something like that. Anyway Sammie responded in a positive way to me but I know that his perception and his attitude about me has changed a little bit. I was really emotional when I shared the situation w/ Sammie. I wasn’t really expecting to act like that because I’m not a super emotional person..lol! After I shared everything w/ Sammie, I didn’t feel relieved. I was like oh my gosh why did I tell him that? lol! I wanted to be honest w/ Sammie since I have interest in him. I didn’t want to keep anything from him.
I share that scenario to intertwine w/ the name of this post. I have done things in my past that I’m not proud of. Looking back on situations that I’ve been in, I wish I could had done things differently and made better decisions. When I think of how imperfect I am, I think of people in the bible that were imperfect. Many people who were best known or most talked about in the Bible made mistakes. For example, King David is known for being a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22). However, King David made a lot of mistakes. One of the mistakes King David made was sleeping w/ Bathsheba and having her husband killed (2nd Samuel 11 & 12). King David also made Bathsheba his wife. The prophet Nathan had to rebuke David for what he did and David was judged for his sin (2nd Samuel 12). The story of King David can also be found in 1st/2nd Samuel, 1st Chronicles, and 1st Kings.
The point that I’m trying to make is that just like we make mistakes, so did people in the Bible (Ecclesiastes 1:9). They were just as human as we are. What I love about God is that he used (he still does use) imperfect people (ordinary people) and what I call society rejects for his purposes. The only person in the Bible that was perfect was Jesus himself. What I love about my NIV Life Application Study Bible is that it gives the profile of the people mentioned in the books of the Bible. It discusses their background, the person’s weaknesses, strengths, accomplishments, lessons from their life, vital statistics, and key verses. The profile of the various people in the Bible them even more human. This post is not to excuse sin in any type of way but to recognize that we all are imperfect people and we make mistakes. The most important thing to do once you sin or make a mistake is recognize it, repent, and learn from whatever it was that you did. God bless!
P.S. I’m rethinking about being ready for a relationship..lol..If I feel that someone is right for me (of course I will have to get to know them better first and pray about it) I can do a relationship. In my last post, My Heart’s Desire I mentioned not being ready because I’m trying to give myself a yr off from relationships which will end in April. Keep me in prayer about it!
Hello everyone! This post is my 1st post for the month. So I had a good Christmas last month and also my New Year’s Eve and day wasn’t bad. I did something radical New Years Eve. I hung out w/ a guy. I would say we went on a date but it wasn’t that..lol. We went to a Watch Night Service at his church and after that he brought me back home. Also on New Year’s Eve I watched a watch night service online. That was a 1st for me! The watch night service online was awesome! Another radical moment I had this month is that I’ve been a Client Advocate volunteer for the clinic for a yr! AWESOME! I can’t believe it has been a yr already! I really enjoy volunteering at the clinic. It’s such a peaceful place! Last week I trained a new employee last week, that took a lot of patience. lol! I’m not a super patient person. So umm I think I was being tested that day. lol! The lady I trained was training to be a cashier. She also is an older lady (a littler older than my mom). She is nice though. This week is her 2nd week on the job. She is adjusting well. The first day of work for her she was overwhelmed by everything. I remember feeling that way on my first day at my job. It took me a while to really get comfortable w/ being a cashier and being confident in what I was doing.
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”-Psalm 37:4 NIV
Ok so now my radical moments are out the way. I want to get on to what this post is about. Lately, I have a lot of things on mind concerning what I want out of a relationship and what I needed/wanted from my man. I’m not in a relationship. I have been single for a couple of months. April will be a yr that I’ve been single. Being single is lonely for me. I don’t have many guys I talk to on a regular basis as in I’m interested in type level..lol. I want the next my relationship I’m in to lead to marriage. I don’t want to waste another relationship not going down that route. I’ve been praying to God for that. I know right now that I’m not in the position to be in a relationship or to be married. I’m hoping by the summer, I’ll be ready for a relationship. I think I will be absolutely ready by then. I just hope I have some more prospects..lol..
Anyway when I was at work last Saturday, I wrote a letter to my future husband..lol. In my defense, I was really bored ok! lol! I primarily wrote I wanted him to be in the letter. For example, I wrote that I want him to be a great provider, husband, and father. I have a lot of desires on my heart not only for my future husband but about my career. I have so many things that I want to see happen and it’s frustrating that those things aren’t happening right now. I’m like GOD WHEN are these things are going to come to pass? I’m tired of waiting! lol! To get through my singleness, I try to keep myself occupied, I read a lot of devotionals that comes in my e-mail (I love G. Craige Lewis, Os Hillman, Shalena the D.I.V.A, and Empowermoments), utilize a FB page called Wives in Waiting, and I visit http://www.singlereadyandwaiting.com. Single,Ready, and Waiting is a great website for Christian singles! I plan on buying the book Single, Ready, and Waiting by Tanika Chambers. I try my best to find resources (primarily Christian resources) to help me. I know having a relationship w/ God is helpful in the season of singleness but I want that physical manifestation if you know what I mean..lol. Don’t get me wrong spending time w/ God is great but sometimes you want to spend time with the opposite sex whether it’s hanging out or going out on a date. Recently, I reconnected w/ a guy that I went on a date w/ a few yrs ago. He contacted me online. We have been talking just about everyday. So we will see where it leads to. Keep me in your prayers and pray that God will send me my future husband soon! lol! God bless!
P.S. If I wrote all of my desires on the post, it would be 3 times longer! lol! I also desire to be a member of a church that teaches. I’m a member of my home church but I don’t attend it often. I don’t feel that I get what I need spiritually from it (as in no spiritual growth). I really love a church out of GA called Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral under Bishop Dale Bronner. I watch their church services online on Sundays when I can. I also get on teleconference calls of people I know that are in ministry to try to fill in the gap of what I need. Please keep in your prayers that I find a church that will satisfy my spiritual needs. Last week, God blessed me twice. One of my line sisters sent me some money. She been told me she was going to send me something but the amount that she sent was really unexpected. I was so touched by her helping me out. I didn’t even ask her to send me anything. I also got paid for my first week of work. I wasn’t expected to get a paycheck until later on this month. I definitely needed those monies last week! I praise God for those blessings!
One of my goals this year to keep up with my good health-physically, emotionally, spiritually. This includes working on my stress levels and finding peace. Forgiveness something I have been working hard on. There are apologizes I want to acknowledge but can’t say it to certain people’s faces. I refuse to be pulled into the drama of their lives. So instead, I am going to make them public. I have three people to forgive and two people I am praying extra hard to forgive.
I was young and stupid and paid dearly for my indiscretions. You were much nicer to me than most of them. I was fifteen for what it’s worth. But I forgive you for going after my best friends. I forgive you for cheating on my best friend. I am sorry to my best friend who I shunned. I forgive her too. I realize now you weren’t trying to hurt me, you just wanted some kind of connect. I shouldn’t have done what I did but neither should have you. We are never getting back together.
I forgive you for you immaturity. For being so wrapped up in your family you couldn’t look to the future towards a new family. I apologize for trying to steamroll you while I was trying to break you of that. I did more damage than good probably. You’ve got potential, and I hope you use it. I hope you use it. I wish you well. We are never ever getting back together.
My first true love. You treated me like a possession, shared me with your friends, always put their needs before mine, and stalked me after our final break-up. You were not in a good place and neither was I. In our disgust and depression, you did things, and I took them. But I have forgiven you and moved past that. I am sorry for my part in all that mess. We are never ever, ever getting back together.
I am working hard to forgiving you. You are a sociopath. You didn’t care if you hurt me. The thrill of lying to me, of stringing me along, the thrill of not getting caught. I am having trouble forgiving you because you tried so hard to hurt me. You meant to. With God’s help, I will find it in my heart to release myself of this pain because I know it doesn’t bother you. We are never ever, ever, ever getting back together.
You kept the fact that my boyfriend was cheating on me. You told every friend you knew for “advise.” This just spread it around more, and I was the last to know. I pray each night to let go of the resentment I feel for that humiliation, and, more so, the breach of trust. I forgive your other offenses: putting your boyfriend first, for being a horrible co-worker. But the betrayal still stings. Girlfriends are supposed to have each other’s backs. You go talk to your friends? Talk to my friend? Talk to me!
*Names have been changed to protect the guilty
I have not made much headway on my goals recently. It feels like I am just able to put one foot in front of the other right now. Winter is not my season. I loathe it, dread it, and try to pretend it doesn’t exist until it’s at my door. I am a warm weather creature. I am sure had God made me an animal, it would have been a lizard. Sitting on a sunny rock in 100 degree plus weather is my idea of bliss. I tolerate spring and fall but I live for summer. I often wonder why we close ourselves inside walls for so much of our lives. Except in really bad weather, I always prefer to be outside. Maybe this is why I have such a kindred connection with plants. We both need the sunshine just to flourish. I have psoriasis and depression as my main medical battles. Both of these problems are easier to keep in check with a bit of sunshine. I give thanks for each day God gives me with my family, but some are truly better than others. There has been a good bit of chaos this winter in my family. This has made it difficult to keep my depression from taking over. I am glad God gave me a strong husband to face the struggles with me. Still, there are times when I feel like I am desperate for direction from my heavenly Father. When I need a place where I can still my thoughts and hear Him, I go to my garden. That is not quite as comfortable on cold days like today. For the next 2 days I will be working outside. I dread the temperature, but it will still be worth it to be outside. So I will put on my multiple layers of clothing and sip my hot tea and soup. I have faith that I will make it to the warm blessings on the other side of this winter. God is teaching me that it’s enough just to know you are headed in the right direction.
I woke up this morning with so much peace in my heart and happiness..and this is before my feet even touched the floor. I have dedicated this year to really reconnecting with God and have made efforts to spend more time reading the Bible, reading devotions and in prayer every morning and evening; it has SOOO helped my overall attitude.
This morning I really felt God say “Be still”. I have been running around Like Martha (Luke 10:38- 41) and at this point I hear Him beckoning me to me like Mary. Sit by my feet and just listen. The world is so busy all the time; 24 hours news, fast food places, deadlines, due dates..everything is pushing and pulling you to go faster, do more, be more. If your calendar is not booked up for the next six months then you must not be doing something right. We feel guilty for taking time off; even if we are sick.
I just don’t believe that is how God wants me to live any more. The more I see what I waste my time on; the more I realize that if I just used my time more wisely (first giving it to Him) then my entire day, week, month and year will fall into place. I have a testimony brewing and I can just feel it, but I will wait for everything to fall into place.
This morning a car that was in such a hurry ran a red light, I was getting ready to make a right hand turn (which would have been allowed since his light was already red) but something said..slow down. On most mornings even when I leave early for work I still feel rushed and pressured..had this been one of those mornings. I would have taken that right hand turn and that car that ran that red light; well I would have gotten to know the driver a lot more personally. I thank God that I listened. I am really trying to take serious being obedient to the Holy Spirit..today it saved Etta the Jetta from going to the mechanic, but also some heart ache and pain.
I was also reading this morning about a young girl who lost her battle with cancer. She created a bucket list and actually was able to accomplish all her list. You can read more of her story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/14/alice-pyne-dead-bucket-list-teen-cancer_n_2474377.html?utm_hp_ref=teen
Time is so precious and I really want to start investing my time more wisely 🙂
Here is the Scripture reference for those who might not take the time to read it :
At the Home of Martha and Mary
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
January is Thyroid Awareness month. Hands up if you know what your thyroid is? Alright, now put your hand down if you know what a thyroid is because you have a disorder concerning this organ. See? That isn’t many of the general population that knows what the organ is and what it does.
Your thyroid is a little organ at the base of your neck that affects every other organ in your body. It’s part of the endocrine system, which is basically the body’s hormone delivery system. It also includes various brain organs, the kidneys, and your reproductive organs. Often, when one goes out of whack, several of the others will too.
I have written on several occasions about my teenage fight with manic depression. I have also mentioned that the bouts I suffered were directly related to the fact that my thyroid does not produce enough hormones to keep my brain and body in check.
When you look up hypothyroidism you can read many signs and symptoms: fatigue, loss of hair, weight gain, weight loss, and menstrual complications. What I don’t see listed as often is depression and delusions. Because of negative feedback to the brain, several hormones are not provided that keep the brain and emotions in balance. Once I was able to get my thyroid under control, my emotions settled and my self-worth improved. It was like a magical veil was lifted. I was slowly weaned off my antidepressant and learned to ways to cope with the issues that I faced.
For years I have heard people tell me how lucky I was to be so thin. I kind of smile and say if you only knew. I was underweight for some time due to my thyroid disorder and have worked hard to become a healthy weight. I try to explain, to those who will listen, that I am not lucky and that they would not want to go what I went through just to be skinny.
If you have seen The Silver Linings Playbook, you have seen a portrayal of what bipolar disorder is. But you have also seen what happens to someone with manic depression. We go through those same manic moods where we think we can do anything, and when we crash? Well, it’s not pretty.
So, no joke, the thyroid is important area of concern for you, your loved ones, and your children. It’s also very common to have some kind of thyroid disorder. We need to support our fellow people who suffer from this disorder. Our bodies may not be made correctly, but God gave us doctors and medications to help us. He also gave us friends to support us. And that is the silver lining.
I haven’t blogged in almost a month. Life has been going just a bit too fast for me to really focus on one thing or another. So fast that other things that should not have taken priority did and so God had to get me back on track.
I celebrated my 26th Birthday on Dec. 30th, this was the first time in years that I didn’t plan a dinner, or an outing or something. I spent the day with my fiance; watching movies and just enjoying his company. I was reminded by God that it is about time for me to really start appreciating the journey.
Last year was my worst church attendance to date, even when I used to go out clubbing and other foolishness I always woke up and took myself to church. This past year between traveling back and forth from here to Birmingham I didn’t quite make church an important part of my routine. So I decided that this year I would def make going to church priority, make God know that He is number one in my life. I was unable to go to church this past Saturday (due to having plague..not really but I was pretty ill) and decided to go to church this Sunday when I was feeling a bit better. The service was just what I needed. It was all about pursing God and letting God actually “catch” you. Things in life can push you along and you not even realize what or why you are doing something. Without proper focus things that should not even be on your radar become priority.
Also, I am still job hunting. I have been rejected by..let’s see three of the last 4 jobs I’ve applied for…so I am batting an awesome average LOL. With two of those jobs I didn’t even get an interview. Again, like I said before I am not used to all this rejection; at least not employment wise. I have been doing this type of work for a long time so the experience is there..but for whatever reason those were not the jobs God had planned for me. So, I still apply and pray and hope that these are where God would have me to go…but I still get a little discouraged from time to time. Honestly, this experience has opened me up to apply for jobs that i never would have looked at before this time. But God reminded me:
Zechariah 4:10 New Living Translation (NLT)
Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.”
See there are things that God does that I might not understand; places I might be sent that I have no clue as to what my purpose there is until I get there. I can’t be “god” and say I am not open to this or that, because God can use absolutely everything for our good. In fact,
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:20 NIV
So, God is working on my heart to get me where He would have me to be..and sometimes that means he needs to strip me of what I am comfortable with, strip me of all of my “network”, strip me of all of my “know-how”, and show me that a part from Him I can do nothing…
SO..now I am waiting for Him to tell me my next move.