Archive for July, 2013
Hello everyone!! So I found myself being caught up this month..lol..I’ve been dealing w/ strong “desires” and lust lately. I haven’t felt those emotions in a while. I met a guy (let’s call him Wale) at the beginning of this month from a dating website and I was instantly attracted to him. On a scale from 1 to 10, it was a 100..lol! Wale was handsome, smelled good, affectionate, sweet, and nice. He also had some ways about him that I disliked..I’m not going to say those things because I don’t want to write anything bad about him. I also had chemistry with him.
From the first day I met Wale, I liked him. I enjoyed his company and never wanted to leave his presence. He was definitely unexpected! Things moved so fast (as if I was caught up in a whirlwind)! We spent a lot of time together and talked to each other everyday. My mind was trying to process everything..lol. My mind was like what is going on? lol! I’m not used to things moving fast paced w/ someone who I just met. It’s a lot more that happened and has been revealed than what I wrote..I would like to say more but I can’t put my business out on the street like that (lol). My friends know about the situation.
I know that I’m human but I haven’t been feeling like this in a very long time (feeling “desires” that is)..So now I’m trying to figure out how to deal with these emotions and overcome it. A part of the old me has been waken up and she wants to come out and play if you know what I mean. I’ve been having a lot of temptation come my way it’s not even funny. I had a lot of it come my way during my fast..I’ve been wrestling in myself on what to do. A part of me is like you know you don’t need to fulfill those desires and the other part of me wants to really BAD. So just please keep me in your prayers.
I quickly wanted to mention that it’s been a LONG time since I really enjoyed a guy’s company. I realized from being around Wale that it has been a long time since I held hands w/ someone, kissed someone, and being affectionate to someone. I really don’t be around guys like that (like hardly ever lol) as in spending time w/ them. God bless!
P.S. I tried to keep this post as clean as I could. =) It’s really hard to be around someone that you’re attracted to..Those hormones get to raging! lol!
Hey everyone!! So this month has been a little crazy. I worked quite a bit and also had some time off from work. Last Tuesday was my last day of work for the summer camps. Summer camp has been crazy! We fed the kids that were on campus for different summer camps such as volleyball, soccer, basketball, and cheerleading, etc. Sometimes we had over 600 kids we had to feed during meals. The amount of kids we had to fed each meal varied. For example, we could have 125 for breakfast, 300 for lunch, and 500 for dinner. When we would have a lot of kids to feed, we would run out of food. We would have to scramble to put find food to feed them. Everyday the kids had cheese/pepperoni pizza, pasta, the salad bar, chocolate/vanilla pudding, fruit cocktail, cookies (different kinds of course), red/green apples, oranges, and bananas.
I had to deal some difficult people this summer. They were people who usually didn’t work in my building and were older than me (old enough to be my mom). They really tested my patience!! They always had something to say to me about something that I wasn’t doing or they were just being picky! Over the summer I was responsible for prepping food and putting it out on the line (food line). I made pizzas, put out desserts, baked cookies, worked the salad bar, served food for all the meals within the day (not all at once). I did a lot of morning shifts during the summer. I’m not used to that. I had to be work at 5:30a.m. (a lot) or 6a.m. and get off around 12:30p.m. or 1p.m. I also did evening shifts from 3:30p.m.-7:30p.m. I’m just glad that during the fall semester, I’ll be going to back to my regular work shift (night shift).
So this is very random but I was mad that I didn’t have BBQ on the 4th of July. It rained mostly all day. I’m used to my family having cookouts for the 4th and my family didn’t do anything this yr. =( I had my heart set on some soul food and I got nothing! lol! I also was suppose to meet someone on the 4th and that didn’t happen. So I was upset about that too. Me and him met the next day though. =)
I haven’t done that many things that were radical for the month. I bought some pistachio nuts because I see pistachios commercial all the time on tv…lol. Well I tried them and I don’t like them that much..They kind of taste like peanuts..They just taste weird to me so I won’t be buying them again. I gave the bag of pistachios to my friend because I didn’t want them to go to waste. I met someone from dating website a few weeks ago and I really like him (I will be talking more about him in my next blog post).
I completed a 8 day absolute fast on Sunday. It was an assignment that my mentor gave me for this month. O began my fast on Sunday, July 21st. That fast was rough! It was 12 hrs w/o food, no internet (unless it was spiritually related tv, and phone calls. I spent time reading the bible, watching/listening to sermons, praying, and listening to music. I learned from my fast that I’m capable of not eating food during 12 hrs..lol..I did eat a very tiny amount of food (less than the size of the palm of my hand) on last Monday and last Tuesday. I bought a new shirt that says I’m So Worth It to model for a ministry called Confessions of a Christian Single. You can visit the FB page by that name and the website http://www.imsoworthit.com. I got a new roommate last Monday. The roommates I had last yr moved out. One moved out in July and the other one in August. So it’s been my roommate that live on my side and I for a couple of months. We have to get adjusted to having a new roommate now.
I’m the Director of the Mamie Reese Scholarship Fund for my sorority. I realized earlier this week that I sent out the wrong scholarship applications (applications from last yr) to some people.. Smh! The only way I found out that I made that mistake was by looking at some e-mails that I sent out w/ the scholarship application. I had to sent out a massive e-mail apologizing to everyone for sending out the wrong application and I had to attach the correct application (the one from this yr) to the e-mail. Again, I didn’t send out the wrong application to everyone but I thought it was fair to extend the deadline for the scholarship because of the mistake I made. I had to extend the deadline for the scholarship to August 14th. The deadline originally was August 10th. I figured out how I made the mistake. The name that I saved the scholarship application for this yr is different from the name I saved it from last yr. I guess I thought it was the same thing..Smh!
I found out some exciting news..My best friend is having a girl!!! =) She found out the sex of her baby a few weeks ago. She is 4 months pregnant. She will be having her baby in December. =) I’m happy that I’m going to be a Godmother for the first time! That’s all I have for now. God bless!
Worrying damages the psyche.
Worrying causes conflict.
Worrying brings strife.
Worrying shows unbelief.
Worrying doesn’t do any good.
Prayer is the answer.
Verses to Combat Worrying
The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt. 6:34)
Pushing Past the Doubt and Worry,
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
I have spent the last two months inspired by a certain Bible verse. It’s the one you see above. One interpretation: “Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?”
Powerful question, huh?
I don’t and I aim to change that. I have talked and talked about issues at work-with coworkers, with friends, with my prayer group, and, occasionally, in prayer. If I stopped and prayed every time I had the urge to complain, my prayers would uncountable.
Too often we find release in just talking to others. While this is a good coping strategy, it is not the be-all-end-all. You have to take it to God because if you don’t nothing happens. Your words are just wasted breath.
No wonder nothing in my life is changing. I am striving to pray about it every time I talk about it. Legs hurting? Pray for healing! Coworker annoying me? Pray for peace! Things difficult at home? Pray for understanding!
Sometimes, I forget. Sometime, I forget–a lot. But I have this graphic pinned to my wall to remind myself. Each time I looked at it, I have that same light bulb reaction and instantly pray.
I’m not there yet, but one day I will pray as much as I complain or as much as I worry. I’ve gotten good at the worry and pray, now for the talk and pray.
12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end
God has really been working on the condition of my heart. I have been diligent in working on not having fear and being able to walk confidently in the Way that God has for me. Some days are better than others, but last week I had a moment where I was extremely stressed out. I am on the pursuit of becoming debt free which sounds awesome, right? The problem is in order to become debt free you have to actually face the debt monster and that point can be overwhelming! If you have gone to college than more than likely you have student loans, you might have a credit card or two and just general living expenses..that all adds up. Especially when I chose not to become a doctor, lawyer or other high paying job..meaning my debt is probably more than what I make each year.. that’s the crazy part. I haven’t done anything crazy, I don’t buy purses, shoes or other items on a regular basis for the most part I am pretty frugal. Yet, I have one area that always spins out of control:food. I actually had no idea how much money I spent on eating out until I actually made myself look at my budget. This is what happens; because I don’t buy a lot of tangible things unnecessarily I talk myself into buying a meal or two. I had a hard day at work…I don’t eat out that much let’s go out to eat. Running around doing home visits; let’s stop and grab a quick meal..all those “I don’t do that this often” meals…added up..and in one month I spent a car note on food. a car note……granted some people have very high car notes and others have smaller ones…but this one expense was probably mid-range. I was shocked..and embarrassed because I have literally cut out a lot of frivolous spending only to find out..NONE of the things I cut out were actually the point of the financial bleed. So, now I am on a much stricter food budget..I have made myself cook more meals at home over the past month, month and a half and I can begin to see where I can put the extra money down on some bills. But at first glance..all I did was cry. I know my husband probably thinks I am a bit off sometimes because I cry at things that I probably shouldn’t, but that whole debt thing really had me down..on the surface it feels like I will never be debt free, but there’s fear talking again. There are people who are virtually debt free, I know I might have to pay a mortgage for thirty years, but I don’t feel like paying on student loans that long. I can’t live in my student loans..in fact I think if it took me four years to get the debt..then it should take no more than two times that amount to pay it off…and some people do pay off loans in ten years…But the interest on those things..wow! Anyway I am rambling , but I think you get my point.
I am on a quest to be debt-free in three years. What does debt free look like for me: student loans paid off, cars paid for, no credit card debt and 6 months worth of living expenses in my savings account. Sounds lofty- I know, but if I blew a small car note on eating out it means that I have some disposable income and if I use it wisely..I really could be debt-free in three years. This will mean cutting out trips, mall shopping, buying anything not on sale (lol) and a lot of other things, but I believe that in the end it will be worth it. It will be worth not having that debt monster staring at me under my bed each night. I believe that God gives us the tools we need to complete any task, we just have to believe that He has the power to do whatever He started in us.
I opened this blog with a Scripture from Hebrews. I did this because when I was really stressed a friend told me to read Hebrews 4, which is about entering into Jesus’s rest. I was so caught up in what was going on in the natural that it made me lose focus on what God is trying to teach me. I can have a million plans, run around like a chicken with my head cut off AND things may still be the same. IF I take my worries to God, pray and allow His strength and wisdom to reign over me..then I can do all that I plan on doing without stress. If my plan doesn’t line up with God’s I can easily redirect, because I am in-tune with what He would have me to do. Anyway, once I read Hebrews 4 (I encourage you to do the same) I decided to just read the entire book and see what it might say to me. Hebrews 3 spoke to me, because it specifically talks about the unbelieving heart- I know sometimes I struggle with believing especially when everything is screaming the opposite of what faith is saying. Truth is, God didn’t follow the rules of “nature” He was born of a virgin, used saliva to heal a blind man, a woman touches his clothes and was healed of her ailment AND He walked on water…the natural means nothing to Him. Last year I wrote about a little girl named Starla who had leukemia, she had an episode where she almost died. Her heart literally stopped..you know what she is doing now?? She’s preparing to enter kindergarten! Her hair has grown back..and she is a normal, healthy child again. God cares little for the natural…
Seeing is NOT always believing,
Ride or Die
On Saturday I was ready to give up. For those of you following my story, I have spent the last month dealing with numbness in my hands and toes as well as joint pain. I have been to the hospital twice and seen a slew of doctors. But we have no idea what is going on with me.
A week and a half ago, I went to see a neurologist. I was excited because surely they would have some answers. They did a nerve conduction test where they zapped my legs with low wattage electricity and count the reaction time to see if my nerves were functioning correctly. There was a little discomfort but as they got to my knees, there was massive pain. By the end of the test I was almost crying. But everything in my nerves was normal.
They did a second test. I am unsure of what it was called but it was to test the muscles in my legs. The doctor inserted needles into the muscles in order to see if there was functioning properly. This caused me major pain. But the results were normal.
So imagine me at 9 am after being electrocuted and poked. I was in massive pain and had no answers. I was frustrated but talked to my girls and prayed. I came up with a game plan for when I see my family doctor again. I felt better emotionally but not physically. I have since had muscles spams in my legs and feet and sometimes up my entire body. It’s horrible.
But I could deal with that. It was the events of last Friday that broke me.
At work, someone had left a rake out in tall grass with the tines up. Like a cartoon, I stepped on it and wacked myself in the head. I was lucky enough not to black out but it hurt, I was nares, and my cognitive functions were screwy. After everything I had been through, I had a concussion as well. I went to the doc yesterday and they made me go to the ER to get a CT scan. I had no bleeding but did have a contusion. Everyone had been worried because I had hurting for five days. But I have a good prognosis.
It was Saturday that got my spirits back up. Even though I hurt, I took a pain pill and went with my family to the movies. I was dying to see the latest Fast & Furious, and wasn’t going to let my health stop me. I’m glad I did because it was one line that reminded me that I had to keep going: Ride or Die.
As a metaphor for life it’s the same as Go Hard or Go Home. I never go Home, I always go Hard. I was going to get in in that metaphorical car and Ride. No way I was going to lie down to Die.
Since then, I have been more upbeat. This doesn’t mean I haven’t allowed myself to cry. I have because sometimes you just have to let it out all out. I am blessed with people that allow me to do that.
So I write today not physically better but emotionally on the right track.
Wow! It has been a while since I posted. The spring was very busy time for us at the plant nursery. I did still manage to seed and harvest my own crops. I also managed to do it all organically! (Patting myself on the back.) I am starting to feed my family more organic foods so my hobby did end up saving us some money too. I grew a few types of lettuce, radishes, carrots, chives, cilantro, and I still have some other herbs and squash going. It felt good to eat food that I had actually grown. There is really nothing like the taste of fresh from the garden veggies to me. I feel blessed to know how to grow my own food. Not every girl is taught how to grow veggies, fish, and hunt. Even if my husband was not the awesome provider that he is, my family would never need to go hungry. There is a certain comfort in that and I am sure once the kids are grown I will do this on a bigger scale that I do now.
We are expecting a grandson in a few months. I got to throw my oldest daughter a baby shower where she got pretty much everything she will need. We are all very excited as we watch the miracle grow in her belly. We are praying for a safe and full term delivery. It is a high risk pregnancy so she has been put on bed rest. I am not worried because I know God is in control. My other kids are all younger and they have so many questions about the baby whenever she visits us. Trying to figure out when to have the facts of life talk with some of my special needs kids is a really tough call. My middle school aged kid still believes in Santa and the tooth fairy. He and some of the others are in special classes that are tailored to their specific learning abilities and behavioral issues. One issue we deal with is that they look normal. So strangers see them acting like a younger child would and immediately judge us as parents. Sometimes people say things. The kids also need extra safety measures because they do not understand what can actually hurt them. Stranger safety out in public for instance. I cannot let my kids go to the restroom in a restaurant, ride their bike down the street, or really even play in the yard without me. They will just wander off and talk to anyone. There is no real guidelines for special needs parents as each child can be so different. We just have to do our best, and give them love. Like I said before, I am not worried because I know God is in control. That is all the news for now. Have a blessed day! Pam