Lost ****Pam****

Here I am at the end of year 2. I really want to be positive when I post but I feel the need to be honest. I feel lost. I feel swallowed up by my responsibilities. I am hanging on through my prayer life for now. I cannot see a way out but I am trying to have faith. If it’s not evident to everyone by now, I struggle with depression. At the same time I have been handed some very real disappointments. People let me down. Thankfully God never does. Without Him I would truly be lost. He is the source of all real love and strength. I am looking forward to the start of this new year’s set of goals because the old ones no longer fit. The enemy is coming for me from a different direction these days. I am always struggling with forgiving the way God asks us to and at the same time protecting myself from further harm. I know I have to take care of my kids. They are always my first priority. That means I do have to take care of myself. I have never been great at that. I am thankful that even though I feel so lost, I am not alone. I have amazing friends that give me support and love. I am not fun or uplifting to them right now, but they are still here. They still see worth in me, even though I don’t anymore.

I feel compelled to go over the goals I’m leaving behind. I did maintain and actually lose more weight. I am wearing a size 4. That’s smaller now than I’ve been in 10 years. Eating healthy did maintain my weight but the reason that I lost so much was actually due to the tremendous stress I have recently been under. Not exactly a win but I will take it. I did put a stop to helping outside of my family, if it would hurt my family. I almost caught up on my medical appointments. Now I am behind again. The gardening I guess you could say I did but not in the organized way I had hoped. The rest of my goals were a total fail. I am so ready to move on to goals that fit.temp(1)

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  1. #1 by renee n. smith on September 8, 2013 - 1:13 pm

    Love you Pam. Rad7even is a journey..there are several paths to getting to where God will have you. I was telling some of the girls this..God uses pain to move me. It hurts..I ask questions but in the end without the painful nudge I wouldn’t change direction. God sometimes completely changes things that we for sure thought were solids in our lives to show that He is the source just like you said. A friend encouraged me to read Jonah esp Jonah 4 to learn about compassion. In Jonah 4 it states in the KJV that It displeased Jonah much. “It” was Gods will for Jonah and the people of ninevih(sp). Jonah wanted God to destroy them..but they repented and it says God had compassion on them .jonah was mad

  2. #2 by renee n. smith on September 8, 2013 - 1:24 pm

    Sorry…my phone wouldn’t let me finish. Jonah was mad and he went off to see what would happen to the city; he rested in the sun. God provided a gourd that sprouted up over night and provided shade for Jonah..then God sent a worm to destroy the vine. Jonah was again upset. Jonah wanted God to destroy thousands of people yet..was distraught over losing a vine that God provided that he did zero work to maintain and technically didn’t deserve. My friend told me to look at the heart of both jonah and God. The more you continue to sit with God the more compassion and peace you will find; this doesn’t mean you allow anyone to mistreat you, but it does mean you can walk away without the extra burden of bitterness. I love you more than you know and I will continue to lift you and the family up

  3. #3 by radical7even on September 8, 2013 - 1:42 pm

    Thanks for this bit of wisdom. I had not thought about the parallels of this story even though my kids watch the Veggie Tales version of Jonah all the time. I love you too.

  4. #4 by Venus on September 11, 2013 - 5:14 am

    Hey Pam! Thanks for being honest in your post! I hate to hear that everything isn’t going so great for you right now. Know that things will ge better. Continue to hang on! I know what it feels like to be lost. Continue to pray. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I hope year 3 of Radical7even will be better for you!! Love you! ~Venus

  5. #5 by starsinhereye on September 11, 2013 - 4:12 pm

    Congrats on the goals you did make! Sometime we are not lead to do certain goals. I’ve had similar issues. But you are so brave and radical. I pray for you daily and I am so glad you have God on your side! Love you!
    ~Audrey

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