Here I am at the end of year 2. I really want to be positive when I post but I feel the need to be honest. I feel lost. I feel swallowed up by my responsibilities. I am hanging on through my prayer life for now. I cannot see a way out but I am trying to have faith. If it’s not evident to everyone by now, I struggle with depression. At the same time I have been handed some very real disappointments. People let me down. Thankfully God never does. Without Him I would truly be lost. He is the source of all real love and strength. I am looking forward to the start of this new year’s set of goals because the old ones no longer fit. The enemy is coming for me from a different direction these days. I am always struggling with forgiving the way God asks us to and at the same time protecting myself from further harm. I know I have to take care of my kids. They are always my first priority. That means I do have to take care of myself. I have never been great at that. I am thankful that even though I feel so lost, I am not alone. I have amazing friends that give me support and love. I am not fun or uplifting to them right now, but they are still here. They still see worth in me, even though I don’t anymore.
I feel compelled to go over the goals I’m leaving behind. I did maintain and actually lose more weight. I am wearing a size 4. That’s smaller now than I’ve been in 10 years. Eating healthy did maintain my weight but the reason that I lost so much was actually due to the tremendous stress I have recently been under. Not exactly a win but I will take it. I did put a stop to helping outside of my family, if it would hurt my family. I almost caught up on my medical appointments. Now I am behind again. The gardening I guess you could say I did but not in the organized way I had hoped. The rest of my goals were a total fail. I am so ready to move on to goals that fit.