Hello everyone! This post is going to be very transparent so get ready! lol! For the past couple of months, I’ve been doing a lot of self-evaluation. I’ve been trying to get to the root of my issues. I’ve been trying to figure out the reasons why I accept certain behaviors from people, why I do certain things, and the reasons why I am the way I am. I’m doing a self check. In Katt Williams voice, “I’m getting in tune with my #1 one player”. For those of you that don’t know, your #1 player is yourself..lol! My mentor has been giving me very challenging assignments and every assignment had me to do some soul-searching. I’ve been digging real deep and I still have some digging to do.
I feel broken. As if I have been shattered into a million of pieces. I’m wondering how in the world can God put me back together again. Lord, please fix me! I feel like a bit of a mess right now. I have some things that I’m trying to heal and get delivered from. I’m learning how to be honest with myself and God. That has been difficult. There are some areas in my life that I really need to work on and surrender completely to God. There are some negative thoughts (mindset) and past situations that I need to let go. I trying to overcome some things such as fear, lust, rejection, and loneliness. I’m learning that I need to change. They say in order to get better results you have to do some things different. I think that is the saying. Someone please correct me on that quote. lol!
I’ve been in a rut since I graduated from college. I graduated from college in May 2010. I went through a lot of things during my senior yr of college (Fall 2009- Spring 2010) such as roommate drama, depression, and a failed internship. When I failed my internship in Social Work it was very devastating. I was supposed to graduate Fall 2009 but since I failed my internship, I had figure out what I was going to do next. The last week of school, I had to change my major (I changed it to Sociology w/ concentration in Social Organization & Inequality, talk a lot to my academic advisor, get my financial back, and register for classes for the Spring. I also had to buy books for the new semester. My last semester of college was very difficult. I was going through a lot. I wasn’t a happy camper. I really didn’t have a lot of motivation and I was super depressed. I also went through financial difficulty and roommate drama during that time.
I also got my minor in Social Work. My academic advisor had to fight for me to get that. My college had a rule that if you did your field practicum (it’s almost like an internship but w/ fewer hours) at another college, you can’t get a minor in Social Work. My academic advisor felt as if I deserved my minor since I pretty much put in the work for the Social Work and took all the classes. I was happy that my college gave me my minor. Towards the end of the Spring semester I had another crisis. I failed my Victimology class. I worked really hard in that class. I did all my assignments and even met w/ my professor a couple of times to see what I could do to pull up my grade. Her tests were really hard. There was only one test that I passed in that class. The funny thing is that I took another class (Sociology of the Family) under the same professor and made an A in the class. The Victimology class really kicked my butt! lol!
Since I failed my Victimology class, I was at risk for not graduating and having to take another semester of school. I couldn’t go through another semester of school. My academic advisor was able to pull some strings and get my Victimology class replaced w/ a Criminal Justice class I took at the school I transferred from before I went to college I graduated from. I was so happy to hear that she was able to do that! I was going to be devastated if I had to attend another semester of school. I ended up graduating May 2010 but I was so depressed at that time in my life, I wasn’t fully happy on my graduation day. I felt as if it was more of a relief to graduate and I was just ready to move on with my life. After I graduated from college, I had a difficult time finding a job in my field. I ended up getting a job August 2010 at a dining hall of the college that I graduated from. I still currently have my job.
The reason why I shared the story of what happened to me in college is because I’ve been feeling like I’m a failure since I failed my internship. Going through that situation has impacted me a lot. It has affected the way I think of myself. I have felt as if I wasn’t good enough to be a Social Worker. I heard a lot of negative things from my professors and also the person that I did my internship under (in. My professors gave me a list of reasons from A-M (if I’m not mistaken) on why I shouldn’t no longer be in the Social Work program. Going through that even in my life has impacted my self esteem. I sometimes feel as if I’m not worthy of more even though internally I know I do. Another thing that has added to my rut is that I usually go to work and go home. I don’t have too much “fun” in my life. I have done a couple of fun things over the yrs but I haven’t been really feel as if I’ve been enjoying/living my life. I’m currently try to change the way I do things. I’m trying to learn how to do things that are fun. I work a lot so I usually be too tired to really do anything. I usually just want to chill majority of the time. I want to mention that since I’ve been volunteering as a Client Advocate for the clinic I feel as if “I still got it” as in working in the Social Services field. I’ve been working hard on developing my skills.
The situation from college is one of things that I need to let go. It’s been like a cloud that has been over me. I know that God has a purpose for my life. I know that there was a reason why God led me to Social Work. I want to gain my passion that once I had for the field back. I feel as if I have a little spark but nothing else. lol! I want job in my field that I love and can be passionate about. I know one day it will come. Looking at yourself is not easy. I know some people pray the prayer for God to show them themselves but are they really ready for that? When God show you yourself, you might not like what you see. I’m going to be honest. Everything about you is not going to be all peaches and cream. God will show you EVERYTHING! The good, the bad, and the ugly. Are you really ready for that? Self-evaluation isn’t a bad thing. However, it’s not an easy process. It can leave you broken but in the midst of that brokenness God will meet you where you are if you allow him to.
I’m not going to pretend as if I have it all together because I don’t. Apparently from this post you should be able to tell that I don’t have it all together. lol! I think that my transparency and things that I’ve gone through help me to relate to people. It also help me to remain humble. I don’t ever want to get in a position where I can’t no longer relate to people. I think that’s one of the reasons why people ask me for advice or talk to me. I’m imperfect as I can be and that’s ok. Guess what? A lot of people in the Holy Bible where imperfect. They made mistakes. King David is one of my favorite people in the Bible. King David was considered as a man after God’s own heart. However, King David was a very flawed individual. One of the biggest sins that King David committed was sleeping w/ Bathsheba and having her husband killed. King David also took Bathsheba as his wife. The thing that I love about King David is that even though he sinned against God, he ended up getting it right w/ God. So what does that tell you? During our walk w/ Christ we are a going to mess up. That’s normal. However, when we mess up we need to confess our sins to God, repent, and try to get our lives right w/ him.
I’m trying to get my life right. I want to make better and wise decisions. I admit that I haven’t made the best decisions all the time. I don’t want to longer fall in the traps of the enemy (Satan). I no longer want things of my past to hold me down and prevent me from my future. I want to walk in freedom and I look forward to the things that God have for me. I’m slowly learning how to put God and myself first. I want to be whole. I believe that being single is helping me to put more focus on myself. I know personally that I’m not ready for a relationship. I have some kinks that needed to be ironed out before I can be with someone else. I want to give a person the best of me and I can’t provide that right now. So right now, I’m just chillin. I only can offer my friendship and if a guy wants more than that from me, they can go kick the curb! Get ready for this caterpillar to turn into a beautiful butterfly! Also for the Phoenix to rise up above the ashes. In other words, get ready for my transformation. lol! God bless!
Here are some scriptures that I wanted to share: Psalm 51, Romans 12:2, Isaiah 40:31, Colossians 3:10, 2nd Corinthians 10:5, 2nd Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 29:10
P.S. I think I forgot to share the radical things I did last month. I learned how to cook stuffed bellpeppers. It turned out really good! I watched two new shows: Ironside & Sleepy Hollow. I went to the movies & saw Baggage Claim with a co-worker. I haven’t done too many radical things this month. I shared in my last post about me attending Jungle Jam which was fun! I learned a new recipe. I cooked honey curry chicken thighs. Yum!! Realdivascancook is a great Youtube channel to learn recipes from. I worked on my goal about working on my appearance. I went to Ellie Boutique earlier this month to try on clothes to see what would look good on me. I shared the pictures I took w/ my girls and liked a few things that I tried on. I recently found out that there was a thrift store down the street from my house.
I went shopping to the thrift store last week and the week before last. I bought some awesome clothes that are very versatile! I forgot how fun it was to go shopping. I’m working on building a professional/casual wardrobe. I’ve spent close to $70 (I used my gift card) on my wardrobe. Most of the items I bought from the thrift store was $1.99. You can’t beat that!! I also went to events that my apartments had this month. I attended a tailgate/cornhole tournament, grocery bingo, and a game night. The game night was yesterday and I played Connect 4. I only won 1 game. Smh! I attended the game night that my apartments had last month as well. I played Uno w/ a few other people. I won only one game.
The baby shower for my best friend is a week and a couple of days away! It’s on November 3rd! I’m so excited!! I can’t wait to see how everything comes together. I’ve been planning the baby shower since August. I pretty much have everything done for the most part. I have order the cake next week and pick up a few more things. =)
I wanted to share statuses that inspired me on Facebook:
“There comes a time in life when you must make the difficult decision to let certain things go: a negative attitude that you know no longer serves you; a relationship where you are dying together, rather than growing together; an addiction that you know is destroying you and does not represent your highest good.
It takes courage to face the truth about who you are, the choices that you have been making in your life and to decide; that is just not me anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I have had it.
It takes a level of self love, of dedication and determination to live your greatest life. So, look within. Look at every area of your life and ask yourself these questions: Am I on course? Am I growing mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Anything that is blocking that, anything that is preventing you from living your greatest life, make the tough decision to let it go.
Life is about surrendering and releasing. Surrendering to the higher calling of your life and releasing all of the things, habits and behaviors that no longer serve you. You have something special….. You have GREATNESS within you!!”- Les Brown
“Be patient, continue to persist and move in the direction of your dream. Many times a dream has a life of its own. It will take you on a journey to build your character, your confidence and your faith. Be patient! Patience does not mean being inactive. It means positive expectation and a knowing deep down in your heart that you will be alright. Believe that things are going to work out for you. Judge not according to appearances.
Be patient ~ even if you don’t have a dime in the bank, lost your job, or your money. Be patient. You have the power in you to pull this out. Don’t judge yourself based on what you don’t have. What you have is enough. Hold the vision. You have the power in you to resurrect your dreams and make them become a reality. Work on yourself. Believe in yourself and in a power greater than yourself. Be patient and keep moving forward. Things will work out for you.
Remember…You have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!”- Les Brown
“People of God, it amazes me how many people can attend church hoping to hear “a word” for somebody else but they NEVER attempt to hear a word for themselves.
These are the ones who will sit in services and holler “Amen” the loudest when they feel like the word applies to the next person or when the preacher hits on something that they (the listener) wanted to tell someone but did not have the guts to tell them directly! However, when the word knocks at THEIR front door OR steps on THEIR toes, THEN they sit there “swollen”, tight lipped, with an attitude and will SWEAR that the preacher is talking about them!
Not every preacher “slangs” accusation and slander from the pulpit frivolously! Some DO hear CLEARLY from Heaven and that which they share is FROM GOD for our own CONVICTION and CORRECTION. In short, don’t kill the messenger, just HEAR and take heed to the message! Don’t make a messenger your enemy just because they tell you the truth.
The thing about pride and self righteousness is that people who usually walk IN IT can ALWAYS point it out or “see it” in someone else but they will NEVER identify it in THEMSELVES because they are too full of SELF to see it!
We should NOT be attempting to “point fingers” and get the speck out of our brothers eye if we have a big “two-by-four” hanging out of our own. That’s hypocrisy at its finest!
Yes, God DOES “know our heart” and He also knows that it is NOT His divine nature for us to attempt to subtly OR opening judge another’s pride if we have not allow HIM to EXAMINE US to see if it exists in OUR OWN hearts FIRST.
This is a season of SELF examination NOT examination of others. If we feel like everybody else needs examining and “we” have a “lock” on God, then we have ALREADY MISSED HIM! Let us all take heed.
(NOTE: Go in worship services today asking God to show you YOU and not asking Him to show you somebody else! It will do us ALL well in the end!)”- Apostle Adrienne Williams
**Apostle Adrienne is my soror and she is an awesome woman of God!