One of the spiritual books on my list was ‘Heaven is For Real.” I had read the book years ago when it was given to me as a Christmas gift, but I wanted to reread it now that I was truly focused on my spiritual journey. My favorite aspect of the book was how easily the boy accepted the things he saw and never doubted Jesus or his love for us. For those of you who haven’t read it, a young boy gets really sick and during an operation visits heaven. He then tells his family about what Heaven was like and that what Jesus taught.
The innocent and lack of questioning is beautiful. I have always wanted that but have always had issues with just believing. As I started on this journey, I was doing well in my faith but cynicism was showing. As I read this book, I over thought how the father’s words dismissing things without really letting God move me through the words printed on the page. I have that cynicism in all of my life. I can’t just believe anything or react in a Christin manner. I always have to look at things practically and then decide if it worth emotion.
It has gotten worse lately. With my health at risk and my job super extra stressful, it has hard for me to not doubt the path of my life and what I am trying to do. I do it with my boyfriend and always jump to the wrong conclusion. I have gained a good bit of weight since I become sick and don’t feel like myself. My poor boyfriend ends up helping me deal with these issues. I just feel ugly and unloved.
I didn’t read the word with the eyes of a child. I read it like an adult who has had hardships and has become tough. I read it with a barrier to my heart. Jesus begged for the children to come to him, and he didn’t just mean people of a child’s age. He wants people with a child’s heart, one that is open to miracles and believing. One that will learn and obey. I have failed in that regards.
I’ve watched myself becoming more cynical but not aware of how it was hurting spiritually and emotionally. It’s not going to be easy to rewrite my thoughts, but it can be done. I look to my children at MANE and see how happy they are. They choose that and they choose to believe in me. I must become my own riders and trust in my instructor as well.
I can’t stop believing. I have to open my eyes and let love in.