I can’t -Renee

Philippians 4:13 NIV

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I thought that I would never blog about Baby Smith again..but I realized, there aren’t many voices out there for women who suffer a loss like this. What helped me get through this difficult time was reading the blogs/boards of women who went through it. It turns out I did not end up miscarrying the baby; I had an ectopic pregnancy. I never saw the baby and was told immediately that the pregnancy had to be terminated; my life was at risk. How the tables turned for me. I went from mourning the baby..to mourning again as I had to take the MTX shot to end the pregnancy. The shot had side effects that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy..but here I am.

There are so many things that happened this year that I just knew I couldn’t do. I never saw me moving to another city or switching jobs and I did not see an ectopic pregnancy coming my way. At each of these life changing junctions; like a stubborn child refusing to share his toys; I put my foot down and told God “I just can’t”. I can’t stand to move away from my family and a job I’m comfortable at. I can’t go through the pain of losing a baby…I just can’t. But..I did.
Each step..no matter how small or timid;I would say..I don’t think I can..but I will try. When you first get news especially if it’s life changing the first reaction can be doubt. Well atleast it is for me. What this entire year taught me..was I can. I did the impossible at least five times this year. Not because I’m great or wonderful, but because my Father is. I, like Paul, do not brag in my strength. I realize that after being broken..my strength was nothing more than a fantasy. What kept me going was seeing God in the circumstance. I saw God in my healthy boys. I saw God in my supportive husband. I saw God..in just those still moments between tears and questions. I can.Not because I’m so wonderful but because God already wrote it for me to do. Before December 30 (my birthdate), God already knew what my life would hold. I should know every step (even if I can’t see it) is already worked out.
I saw a quote that said faith is believing now what will only make sense in reverse. I’m not sure what this year is supposed to mean in the grand scheme..maybe there’s a scared pregnant momma that might do a google search on ectopic/complicated pregnancy and see that even in the midst of my recovery..that I am recovering and that healing is on the other side. Idk. And honestly that’s not my focus. My focus now is..doing what God willed for me to do.

Impossible only takes a week.
Renee

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  1. #1 by Venus on December 5, 2013 - 12:28 am

    Hey Nee! I think it’s brave of you to write about your situation. I’m happy that you’re learning you can do things even when things are difficult. I’ll continue to pray for you & your family. Love you! ~Venus

  2. #2 by starsinhereye on December 11, 2013 - 9:42 pm

    I wrote a comment last week and it went bye bye. I don’t remember what I said but I am sure it was very deep. 🙂
    Simply: I love you. and you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

    ~Audrey

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