This blog is for no other reason then my hopefully successful attempt at keeping myself sane. This would tie into my emotional health goal.
I’ve really struggled with feelings of loneliness since I moved last year. I’ve made no friends in the city eventhough i really have tried and to top it off many of my friends back home have all but moved on as well. Im stuck in some weird limbo land where my old life no longer fits but my new life still doesn’t fit quite right.
After losing Baby Smith i joined a few ectopic pregnancy support groups online. Those have really helped me try to make sense out of that situation. I’ve noticed that ive had a loss of concentration lately which according to the ep ladies that’s quite normal. I’ve not really had a chance to sort through that process because i had to work through the entire process. Literally one day i was in the er the very next day i was back at work. I took the mtx shot and was back at work within four days (because of the Thanksgiving break). This has also caused me to stress out because I’ve made a few basic mistakes at work that I wouldn’t make if I was whole and well. Ive always prided myself on being a dedicated worker and hate that since starting my new position I’ve been not as on my game as I usually am.
I’ve found myself being very emotional and today was just a super weird tipping point for me. At home everyone else comes before me and i feel so lost in my role as wife and mother that… I don’t know i feel like the Renee’ that i knew just a few short years ago is gone and i really just don’t know how i feel about that.
I don’t think i ever learned how to put myself first. Growing up i always tried to fix every thing for everyone and clearly that has spilled into adulthood. This would be fine if others were intune with someone elses emotions and would notice that bleed..but rarely does anyone notice. Ive tried reaching out and haven’t gotten results. Im working on trying to stay positive (which is not my natural response to saddness),but this has been a tough season. I’m hoping this is mostly hormonal since im still waiting for my hcg numbers to hit zero.