Hey World !!!!!
I have been really busy the last few weeks. I have purposely tried to be radical again. I feel like the last few months all I have been doing is being intentional and I just felt that this wasn’t a fair way to go about this process. I need to continuously push myself if I am really going to get out of this journey what I expect.
1) I joined a running group! I have been off my physical health journey for awhile (for several reasons). When I had the ectopic pregnancy I couldn’t exercise until my HCG levels hit zero. Also, after my asthma attack last year I had a fear about having another one. BUT I decided that I needed to get out and do something just for me. I am not a huge fan of gyms..it’s just too repetitive for my liking so I had to think outside of the box. I am proud because this will help me meet two Rad goals at one time. I am able to meet people and get my body back in shape. The very first day of the run I almost fell out when they said they were going to run 5 miles. Like 5 miles! I never in life walked or ran 5 miles before, but these ladies were serious runners! I said I would do my best and not push it. I did intervals (running and walking) the first 2 miles and then I walked the rest of the way..but i DID 5 miles. I was elated. Then I went to the gym two days later and did 4 1/2 miles on the indoor track and did 20 minutes on the bike (which equaled about 5 miles). Again I was so proud of myself. I even made healthier food choices for the whole family as well. My goal is to run the Mercedes half-marathon in Tuscaloosa next year. I think that might have been my issue before with exercise. I didn’t have a goal, I worked out because I felt I had to and not because I wanted to. Or worse yet just for reasons of vanity ( I refused to say I had “baby weight” when my son was a year old). Now I feel I have a healthier relationship and view of exercise.
2) I started looking at graduate programs (again).I am back to looking at social work for the 50th time. I’ve talked myself out of it for various reasons, but it keeps coming back! I also have a small confession about grad school. Although, I did really well in undergrad and my one year graduate school (3.5 and 3.7 respectively) . I sometimes feel it was a fluke. Not that I think that I am stupid by any means, but I don’t know.. I feel like I have been out of school for so long that I might have some trouble getting back into the swing of things. So…instead of facing that fear head on I’ve kind of side stepped it. I have decided to also try and tackle another monster while at it..the GRE. When I was in grad school before I opted for the cheaper and not as lengthy MAT. In order to qualify for better financial aid options most programs require a GRE score. The non profit I work for currently is extremely small ( I am one of 4 employees) and I do not think that I would be able to get tuition reimbursement so I have to be creative. And by creative I mean I have to study my butt off and get a great score. I can’t see it being worth it to get a graduate degree and rack up more student loan debt especially if I am deciding to stay in the non profit sector. It really wouldn’t be cost effective, but if I can get some great scholarships, GA positions and grants that would help.
3) I’ve also opened myself back up to the idea of trying to have another baby. After losing Baby Smith I felt like I should just be happy with having two healthy boys and call it a day.I actually considered having my tubes tied. The boys are at preschool age and that means things have gotten much easier. I realized that idea really came out of fear. Ectopic pregnancy is really scary, ontop of the feeling of grief you must also make sure you pay attention to your body. Any abnormal pain or ache needs to be evaluated to make sure that you haven’t ruptured. If you rupture and don’t know the risk of shock and death is still on the table (even after treatment). Being faced with your mortality at a time when you should be focused on bringing forth life is such a weird paradox. Now that I am in a much better head space I think that I will be open to having another baby if that’s what God allows
4) Also, I am trying to learn how to be more assertive in professional environments. How do you nicely disagree with a superior in a way that they will not become offended? How do you say something bothers you without coming across rude? This is a new area of development for me. I find it so strange because for any of my clients I am quick to fight for them, quick to encourage them. But I struggle in this area for myself. Am i valid for being upset? Most of the time I just shrug incidents off and keep it moving, but is that the right thing to do? I’ve been really praying about this issue. I want to be tactful in all that I do, but I also don’t want people to do things that I just don’t like. I struggle with this balance.
Back on track (in more ways than one)