So, I made all these grandiose ideas and plans for my eating revolution and then this happened….
Yes dear R7 readers that’s a positive pregnancy test. 6months after losing Baby Smith I’m with child again. I wish I could tell you how awesome and exciting this is….but after a Loss you become a bit hesitant to share the news.. you question your body, you question God…you wonder..and wonder should you hope? I had my first appointment two weeks ago at what should be 5wks 6days. Saw the sac (but it was empty). The ultrasound tech was like you’re early no big deal, we will schedule you for another one in a few weeks and you can see the baby then………I was excited to know that the baby was in the right spot but seeing an empty sac…made me feel…well empty. I’m almost 8weeks and have battled severe “morning sickness” since hitting 6wks. Some say a sick pregnancy is a good thing. Idk. Ive had a hard time enjoying the little life I affectionately refer to as Jelly bean. See I spent wks praying for Baby Smith, holding on to Scripture after Scripture only to have that little life end. I just dont know God’s plan. I want to believe this is my rainbow baby (a baby after a loss), but part of me fears..what if it’s not to be. Losing Baby Smith took a lot out of me. There were times between the hormones and emotions I thought I was going crazy. The physical and emotional pain. The awkward attempts for people to comfort me…or worse those who wouldn’t acknowledge my loss.
I have faith…I just dont know what to put my faith in. I hate to say it but since finding out. My bible has remained closed as has my prayers. I feel terrible for doing that, but sometimes I fear that if I put too much hope into this and God decides not to let this Baby live…I wouldn’t be able to survive. Sounds so defeatist right? It is. I hate it. I hate I cant scream with confidence that Jelly bean is my rainbow baby, but I have to be honest. It took a lot to try again and I am very, very grateful, but im also cautious.
It took a lot to even share the news because I dont want people to look at me or my body as broken if I lose another baby
You may ask what made me share.. well I was flipping through the channels and landed on Joel Osteen. His sermon was on trying again. And his exact words were some times you have to risk heartbreak again to get to what God has for you. Wow. Without taking the first step…I can’t even begin to overcome my fear. Sharing was my first step. I didn’t allow the enemy to steal that although I’ve let him ransack my everyday joy with Jelly bean. I’m working hard to fight it, but it is a daily struggle.
Day by day