The picture above is what I’m trying to refocus my attention on. My husband (although not pictured) and my children. I’ve had an emotional few weeks. Had a stressful co-parenting situation, baby worries, daddy issues…you name it and it reared its head.
Now some might think it is because I’m pregnant , which might account for the intensity of the emotions I felt, but does not over shadow what the situations are.
The first situation and the last situation all fall into the communication category. I feel that almost any situation can be resolved if the proper communication tools are available and used. But what if the other party refuses to communicate? In my eyes that means no resolution and I stew over what I “need” to say for hours,days and unfortunately weeks. And that can (and usually does) leads to bitterness.
I have no control over another person, but I do have control over; my heart and what I allow to take root. That’s my responsibility. Light and darkness can not dwell in the same home. If God has given the Fruit of the Spirit( love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control.), then the enemy will attack that tree, but only at the source..the mind. It is why the Bible admonishes us to take every thought captive…the mind will lead you to your next victory or hand the keys over to your defeat.
And lately. .ive handed my keys over. I’ve let rejection motivate me in a negative way and because my motives were off so were my outcomes. I’m working hard on my emotional health goal. If you haven’t noticed it’s been the main focus of my rad year. I learned early in life some pretty unhealthy emotional ques so my EI (emotional intelligence) is skewed.
Now on to worry about my unborn, my Jelly bean. My lovely HIS sister and God Mother of my children challenged me to write jellybean every day. So I could connect and use my writing to make it through my uneasiness. The writing has totally helped and eased some of my nervousness.
Also my other HIS and part-time therapist suggested this blog( http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/). Now it took me a few times to read it, but man was it a source of comfort. See I’ve joined several online support groups for women who have had a pregnancy loss. And although those can be a great source of information..at times it is also a great source of anxiety. Ive learned more about loss than I ever needed to know and it causes me to think about scenarios I didnt know existed. But that blog did something different, it didn’t minimize the hurt, but it did MAXIMIZE God. That’s the deciding factor. Even in loss do I believe He is still good.
Truthfully, no at first I didn’t. I had my first child out of wedlock totally biblically not right. I used to fear that like David and Bathsheebas first child (2 Samuel 12) I could lose that pregnancy because of my transgression. But with Baby Smith, I was married so..Idk I thought it was a covered situation. I know my thinking is absolutely flawed lol but I’m trying to give you my mindset at the time of my loss.
One month after I lost Baby Smith I went to volunteer at a treatment facility for pregnant women who have addictions. Literally one woman was whisked away via ambulance because her water broke. While I was glad the women were seeking treatment I was also filled with confusion. I don’t smoke or drink and suffered a loss…and a woman who used substances was getting ready to deliver. I questioned God a lot. What is the purpose? That’s just was. Now I’ve come to the realization that God is always in control, even in pain. When we ask “where was God during ….” remember He also endured seeing His Son tortured for us. I couldn’t imagine having the power and choice to stop my child from suffering and still allowing it, to help other people. Grief is very me focused, and it has a place. But it can cause bitterness. I’m so glad I have people in my life who will not allow me to wallow.
I have my next ultrasound in a few days and although last time my sac was empty I know that God is the master of using nothing and turning it into something. My fears although not eradicated have subsided.
I’m working hard every day to be less judgmental of myself and others.
Sometimes in order to really get victory we also have to fight the fallacies we’ve come to believe about God. This journey has taught me to seek Him again and this time really know Him and His attributes for myself.
One day at a time,

  1. #1 by starsinhereye on June 2, 2014 - 6:30 pm

    It is very hard too see other who haven’t lived a Godly life be given “gifts.” But often this “gifts” are from their own foolish behavior and not as a God thing. I try to remind myself when I become bittter about “horrible” people who are amrried with children. I can’t imagine your loss but I can understand the idea of bitterness. I love you.

  2. #2 by Venus on June 7, 2014 - 8:15 pm

    Beautiful post Nee! I’m glad that you’re an overcomer! I know some of the situations you have gone through has been difficult to deal with & talk about. It seems like you’re in a better place. I’m so happy that you joined a support group that gave you comfort. 😉 I think writing to JellyBean is an awesome idea! Love you! ~Venus

  3. #3 by radical7even on June 10, 2014 - 6:35 pm

    Beautiful post! It is such an inspiration to read your honesty about your feelings of going through your loss and how you beginning to pick up the pieces.


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