Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19
I am going to be honest. There are days where I just don’t understand and don’t see how I make it. Let me share you the story of the spoon theory. It was developed by Christine Miserandino as an analogy for her life. Read it here. The gist? Imagine you have ten spoons. Each activity those with chronic illness do takes a spoon. Subtract one for getting up, one for showering, two for going to work. How many do you have left over for fun? Most of the time I have none; I’ve used all our spoons just getting through the day.
Many days my spoons are bent. I had an endoscopy last Friday. That in itself was not a big deal. The problem was that my great uncle had just died and his funeral was that afternoon. The anesthesia had me knocked out and groggy all day. I was sick to my stomach and needed to lie down. So I missed it. It’s not the first funeral naive missed since I was sick either. When I first went into the hospital, my aunt died. Her funeral was the day after I got out but I still couldn’t feel my feet and missed it. My spoons were so bent these days, I couldn’t even count them.
I am disappointed with myself but I know it can’t be helped. I didn’t decide “Oh, I’m tired; I’m not going.” It kills me to leave Christmas celebrations early (I don’t get extra spoons on the holidays) or sit through a baby shower out of it. But I try and grip those spoons tightly trying to get the most out of life.
But I can’t live with the guilt of what I couldn’t have done. I must do new things! I must make my way through the wilderness of the wasteland that is chronic illness and come out proudly holding a spoon. Yes I can do this! Yes I’ve made some mistakes. No I can’t change things. Yes I can move forward!
So raise you spoon and toast to a new day with no regrets.