Archive for January, 2015
…and it’s okay. I survived it. I’m still living. I didn’t lose any limbs. I can still remember it. It was the semester before I graduated with my Masters. I had to pass my written comprehensive exam. I was stressed to the point where I manifested physical pain. The day came and it was test time. I didn’t do well. I didn’t feel confident after I finished it but I was glad to have been done with it.
The day came for the results to come out. I got the dreaded call that I didn’t pass but that I had a chance to do an oral do-over. One of my professors had told me that I needed to talk to one of my other professors because she was upset that I didn’t do well on the portions that she taught. She was a teacher that I was already intimidated by so now I was expected to tell her why I had failed. She was upset and she let me know that she was upset. SO, not only did I have to deal with my own feelings of feeling like a failure but I also had to process feeling like I failed another person.
I don’t know how long it lasted but I walked around like I had a scarlet letter F on my forehead. I’m sure I ate more than was necessary and doubted my intelligence. Thankful for my support system, I was able to begin again. Beginning again meant figuring out what I needed to do to pass my test. In doing so, I had study groups with my cohorts and sharing what I had learned and what to expect.
The day came and I whipped that test’s butt. I just knew it. I felt more confident and know that I had given my all. The day came again and I got the call that I had passed! Not only had I passed but also did my cohorts.
Yes, I failed, but I didn’t say a failure. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and pushed on. This story is a helpful reminder to me that failing didn’t kill me. It not only helped me but I was also able to help others.
Still Pushing with a look back in the past,
So, as I stated in the last entry my pregnancy with Lennon never quite went as planned so why in the world did I think his birth would be?
On my induction date, I went in feeling great(hungry since I couldn’t eat after midnight) but great. I talked to Lennon and asked him to come before lunch. My mom and husband went in with me and later we were joined by Danielle (the Godmother) and both my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I kept saying my mantras and bounced on a birthing ball. I was happy the day came and I was able to have the natural delivery i had planned! 12 hours into my labor the nurse said she was seeing some strange dips in Lennon’s heart rate and wanted me to try a new position. New position didn’t work and soon came the doctor. The doctor was very matter of fact; if we dont see change soon we will do a c section. There it was the dreaded “c” word. I was determined to not let that happen so I took deep breathes moved in circular motions allowed them to put oxygen on me, the whole 9. Well, it didn’t work, the doctor stated it seemed like Lennon was in distress and he wanted to prep me for surgery. I immediately cried. Not the wimper, one tear drop falling from your right eye cry, but the omg! You’re about to cut me open this is totally against my birth plan cry. I was terrified. I’ve never had surgery and i thought I was progressing well, I was 7 cm when the call was made.
As soon as he said c section it seemed like 34 people busted into the room going over paperwork, asking about living wills. ..i mean really people. Can I process? Then I was wheeeled into the OR. No one could be with me at first. So I’m surrounded by total strangers. Thank God the anesthesiologist, his partner and my attending nurse were so nice. They joked with me and explained every part of the process. My husband was finally able to enter the room and at 3:06 pm weighing in at 8.2 pounds Lennon entered this world.
Not how I planned. Not what i expected, but he’s here!
Although i did not have the birth or pregnancy experience i thought I would I’m happy to have experienced it all.
My recovery from the c section has played on me emotionally and physically. I had and still have to ask for so much help. My mom and sister have been a godsend in this area.
but there are some positives. I really learned so much about myself. Even though I did cry before the procedure, when it came down to it i handled my business, I talked to God and just relaxed. In the OR I wasn’t as nervous as i had been during the whole induction process. Finally after months of fighting, worrying and trying to give it to GOD. ..i did. I gave it all to Him.
2015 has started with a bang for me, i have let go of all preconceived ideasn2of this year. I’m just praying my way through and hoping I don’t miss anything that God is saying.
During the Christmas Holidays I spent a lot of time reading the New Testament trying to feel closer to Jesus. In Christ Time, I discussed how I felt cut off from what Christmas actually was. So I spent time reading about more than just the manger, more than the wise men. I read about his birth, life and death and truly reveled in Jesus’ love and passion.
Funny thing, though. The passages gave me so much more than just a deeper understanding of Jesus. When I gave myself to him, he gave me a gift back: beautiful insight into his words and motivation for a renewed year of faith and love.
You’ve seen the movies where passages just light up singling that these verses are going to be important? Well, this was the emotional version of that.
Matthew 9: 18-25
“While he was saying this, a synagogue leader came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.” Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.
Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
When Jesus entered the synagogue leader’s house and saw the noisy crowd and people playing pipes, he said, “Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him. After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.
He went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.
And she got up!
I am not dead. I am just sick. I still have things to do. He wants me to get up and get moving. This seemingly simple revelation has spawned two projects. The first is an almost morbid idea that has been on my mind: writing letters to my loved ones that they can read in case something happens to me. I want each one of my family, friends, and loved ones to get know how much they meant to me. I don’t want heading on to Heaven stop this. So I plan to write these notes and file them away with my medical papers so, just in case, I can say good bye.
Also, I need a good name for these letters. Everything I come up with doesn’t really explain the joy it makes me feel to do this.
The second project is under wraps at the moment. I can tell you it is called The Spoon Project. This endeavor will combine my love for crafts with my passion for advocacy and, hopefully, lead me down a journey of identity. I have such big visions of such a simple thing; I just need to time to figure out how to do this. So, like in every portion of my life, please be patient. I am very excited and want to do this correctly. I hope it will touch you the way just the idea touches me.
I’m up. I’m moving. Most importantly, I am moving forward.
Happy New Year!! As 2014 came to an end, I saw posts on social media about how people viewed the past year and what they wanted to do different in 2015. There were some people who gave people slack over saying New Year, New Me. I didn’t see what the big deal was. You should reevaluate your life on a regular basis and the end of the year is the perfect time to do it, in my opinion. I actually started before the end of 2014. There were things that I saw myself doing that that I didn’t like. I don’t want to just survive life, I want to live it.
I’ve added 2 additional life goals (additional to my current radical 7 goals). I’ve decided to become more diligent (again) about my weight loss and eating habits. I also want to develop my relationship with God.
I realized that 2014 and parts of 2014 that I really had given up on my journey to lose weight. I don’t know when it happened but I had resigned myself to be the size that I currently am. In 2014, I was getting compliments on my size and I’m like I’m not doing anything near right – I was sucking up sodas like they were going out of style; the only greens\vegetables I was seeing was on my burger; I was getting maybe half of my allotted daily water requirements. It came to me that if I was keeping my weight consistent with little to no exercise and dismal eating habits, that if I started small and made changes to my daily routine, I could make lifelong changes. So, I’ve decided to not get a big head and think that I will have a whole new wardrobe by the end of 2015 but that if I’m consistent more days than I’m not, I can have a real chance of losing weight and a better relationship with food.
My relationship with God is nowhere it needs to be. I feel as if, I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I sometimes feel like a child about to be scolded, for all the things that I’ve said and done. With this goal, I hope to be more honest with my feelings, start and end my day with him, and know that he is a father who only wants the best for his children.
I received a gift this Christmas, a bracelet that has a saying on it: “She believed she could, so she did.” That’s my mantra for 2015.
Here’s to the New Year and prayerfully a new me.
Still Pushing with a pep in my step,
Today is my due date….as in the baby should, could be here today. But he’s not lol. Last time i wrote I had to have another ultrasound to determine if he was breech. Thank God Lennon is head down and hopefully will come any day. If not I’m scheduled to be induced next week.
Having a late baby was also not part of my plan either. This entire pregnancy has taken me out of my comfort zone. I’ve been reading about birth alot the last few months. Most doulas will say that the way a woman approaches labor is often times how she approaches life.
With Daniel I was pretty much in control, or at least it worked out the way I wanted. I had no indication that Daniel would actually come before his due date. But i told my doctor i would not go into July pregnant and I didn’t. I walked and walked and Daniel came on. This time I’ve walked, eaten spicy foods, prayed, talked to Lennon, done squats, sat and bounced on a birthing ball..eaten pineapples, acupressure and here I sit…pregnant lol.
Not only pregnant but also still battling morning sickness. Not at all how I planned my second pregnancy. I’ve battled a lot of emotions waiting on this little boy. Mostly just pleading with God to allow me to finally hold him.
But alas, I have no control. It finally really sunk in today. So instead of rolling around in the bed, i got up. Got dressed up, put on make up(which I haven’t done for realnin awhile) and kicked up my feet.
The biggest lesson I see God trying to get through my thick skull. Trust me, trust my time, take your hands off it.
with Daniel’s seziures, Lennon’s birth, finding true purpose…I just have to walk with God. My relationship with my Heavenly Father must be priority. So… that’s what I shall do. I shall wobble around until God sees fit and be content with my current round status.
Hey everyone! There has a lot of things that have been going on in my life over these last couple of months. That’s why I’ve been a little M.I.A. w/ my posts. I’m going to try my best to sum up everything so this post won’t be super long. In September, I was in pain for a few days. I was so much pain that I could barely walk & had to walk hunched over. I ended up having to go to Urgent Care. One of my co-workers was nice enough to take me there. I found out from the doctor that I had a risen also know as an abscess on my butt. I was prescribed antibiotics & told me to bath in Epsom salt. Around this time, I found out that I had to to move into a new apartment. I ended up going back to Urgent Care because it didn’t seem like I was getting better. I had to call out of work that same day so I could move into my new apartment. The doctor at Urgent Care told me to go to the Surgical Clinic because my risen got big & that I needed to get it lanced. I had to be off from work for a week. When I went to the Surgical Clinic, they lanced the risen & and it hurt really bad!! I had to get a drain & go back to the doctor in a few days so he could remove the drain. On the day I went back to the Surgical Clinic, the doctor removed the drain & told me that I would have to get surgery because he found a pilonidal cyst. He told me that to come back in two weeks to let him know my decision regarding surgery. So I went back in two weeks & told the doctor that I was going to have surgery. His nurse went over the things that I could & couldn’t to the day before/the day of surgery.
In October, I went through a few things before I had my surgery. There was confusion regarding my leave of absence from work so I had to work at another place on campus because I couldn’t work in the building that I usually work in. I worked at the other place for a few days. While I was working there, I got into an argument w/ my former roommate about final bill for the power bill. The power bill was in my name. My former roommate did end up giving me her half of the power bill.
On October 16th, I had my surgery. Both of my parents came. I was really nervous about the surgery but it went well. I stayed at my mom’s house for a few weeks so I could recover. My throat was really sore the day of the surgery from the breathing tube. I had to eat soft foods for a while. While I was recovering, I had to sit & lay on my side because of the stitches. I had to file for family medical leave of absence during the time I was recovering. It felt weird not doing anything because I’m use to working. On October 30th, my stitches were removed by my doctor’s nurse. I went back to work on Nov. 10th. I was off from work during the week of Thanksgiving for the break. I’ve had a few check ups since my surgery so the doctor could see how well I was healing. I go back to the doctor next month.
At the beginning of this month, I was laid off from work. It’s been rough. My food stamps got cut off for a reason that wasn’t my fault. I had issues w/ unemployment but everything is okay now. I’ll be glad when I go back to work next month! I have applied to a few jobs this month but I need to apply to some more. As you can see, I have gone through a lot. Keep me in your prayers! I hope that 2015 will be a better year for me!
Written Dec. 31, 2014
Happy New Year!
Hey everyone!! Here in a mini update on my goals. Next year I plan on making more progress! 😉
1.) Take more risks & take advantage of opportunities.
I’m still working on this goal. I took a leap of faith yesterday by taking my road test. I really wanted to take my road test before this year was over & I did it even though I was afraid. I got my driver’s license! Yay me!
2.) Stay focused on my goals.
In October, one of my guy friends helped me to create a plan for accomplishing my goals. The plan is helping me to stay focused.
3.) Become whole mentally, spiritually, & emotionally.
I’m not 100% whole yet but I’m getting there. I’m working on myself everyday.
4.) Work on my time management skills.
I’m still working on this goal. It’s really hard for me to deal w/ time management. I’m use to going w/ the flow of things.
5.) Learn how to bake desserts from scratch w/ minimal shortcuts.
I haven’t made any progress w/ this goal yet. I still have time to accomplish this goal.
6.) Enjoy my life & be happy.
I’m slowly learning how to do that. I’m learning how to be content w/ myself & focusing on me.
7.) Get my driver’s license.
Yesterday (12/30/14) I accomplished this goal! I got passed my road test on the first try! I was really nervous about the road test because I deal w/ fear & anxiety being on the road. I made some mistakes but the examiner was really nice. He told me the few things that I needed to work on. I’m so happy to have my driver’s license!
Written Dec. 31, 2014