Those handsome faces are my sons. I’ve written about all of them at one point or another, but I wanted to highlight them, specifically Landyn this blog because it goes with my “fear not” goal. When I was single I never wanted to date a guy with kids because I just had a fear of what the mother would be like(I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog). I actually lucked out with Landyn’s mom, because his mom and I haven’t had too many disagreements and honestly we’ve never had any face to face issues either. I love all my boys, it matters not to me who I physically birthed. But being a stepmom can be complicated. You have to open your heart up to love on a child who you really don’t have full say or sometimes any say as to what you think might benefit that child. I’ve had my heart bruised quite a bit and honestly this has caused me to fear fully opening my heart up to my stepson. I’ve worked really hard to treat each child as one complete unit, but there has been times that has been very hard.
I’ve had to ask other stepmoms how they relate to their stepkids; for many of the women who responded they seemed to treat the kids nicely but with walls. I didn’t understand at first, until an incident over the summer really showed me why most stepmoms do this. I won’t get into specific details, but I ended up with my feelings really hurt and just unsure as to what to do with my relationship with my stepson. Not that I was ever going to stop treating him well, I just wasn’t sure how close I could really get to him. I don’t try and overstep my boundaries but by trying to keep all the kids on the same level maybe it comes across like I am…I’m not sure. Which can cause some hurt feelings on both the biological and step mom side of things.
One of my friends told me that Landyn has a mom and doesn’t need another one. That hurt, why yes he has a mom, who honestly I do think is a really good mom, but I’m still a part of his life as well. I’ve never tried to “replace” his mom, because 1) that’s impossible and 2) that’s not my style. I just dont want my stepson to feel like his an outsider in our home just because he’s not biologically mine. Just like I hope the girlfriend of my son’s father would treat Daniel like her own as well. Truth be told, moms (biological, step, foster, adopted etc) are the ones cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, taking care of sick children etc for all of those under her care. She cares, nurtures and loves on all those in her home, or at least she should. I don’t think it’s a competition. Not saying his mom does either, but I think we view things differently.
Since the incident I’ve feared getting close to Landyn because I just don’t want to experience that pain again. It affected our relationship and I can tell. I’ve really worked to move beyond the offense, but I still second guess how I should go about handling things. I never want to seem disrespectful to his mom, but it’s also hard to go against the code of treating all the boys exactly the same. Balance is definitely the key, but I haven’t figured it out just yet.
The last few weeks I’ve made a conscious effort to push passed that barrier and I went back and read a few of my old blogs like no shame and my video blog lucky. Those were written when I was a single mother and helped me see things from her perspective and just respect the fact that she loves Landyn too and only wants the best for him. When I stop looking at it from my limited perspective and really try to not get emotional I can truly love without fear or limits. I’m really praying not just for Landyn’s mom, but for all of our boys, a blended family is by no means a walk in the park. It Is only through God’s love and wisdom that makes it all possible.
Love without limits,