Archive for March, 2016
“Hope that you spend your days,
but they all add up
And when that sun goes down,
hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness
all your joy and all your pain”
“I Lived,” OneRepublic
This year is the year of doing. Hears a mid-year(ish) check in!
Leaving for Ukraine Tomorrow!!
Received payment for writing grants so that’s half way done!
See a show-Not yet
Walk a mile throughout the entire day! Now to see if I can make it one mile at a time!
Reading the New Testament is right on schedule
Speak conversational Russian-uh, er, I know some vocabulary words! lol
Have four more of ten pounds to loose
I am always surprised by God’s grace and mercy. I shouldn’t be but I always am. For the past 10 years, I have been wrestling with something that has literally have me between the flight or freeze position. Either I would run from the feelings that I was having or I would freeze and deny that I was going through it. But as always God has a way of bringing things to surface.
I was afraid. I was terrified that I would lose my friends, that they would disown me. However, as always, my friends are awesome. They showered me with love and understanding. They have empowered me and showed me that they are truly in my corner.
Now, I am in fight mode. Fighting for my truth. Fighting for what I feel is right. Life is too short to fear life. Have fun. laugh. Surround yourself with beautiful spirits.
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24
October 2009 was a life changing month for me. It was during this time that I found out that I was going to be a mother. I have talked extensively about my first born son, but I haven’t talked much about the insecurities that popped up as soon as that test read “pregnant”.
The day before, my son’s father and I got into a huge argument. Like one that makes you never,ever want to talk to that person again. I was over it and ready to move on..but first a “friend” suggested I take a pregnancy test. Randomly on my lunch break I drove to her house and took the test. I remember getting up to wash my hands and looking over and seeing that test turn from hourglass to the words pregnant in less than 30 seconds.
See not only was I pregnant, but I was pregnant by a man who (at the time) already had four other children by three other women. So…I was the woman that other women would probably say was “dumb”, because you “knew what kind of man he was before”. He has a pretty bad track record already…and what made it worse were the twins born before our son were about nine months old when I found out I was pregnant. So..single,pregnant lady. The shame of that ordeal haunted me for awhile and (as I’ve stated before) I contemplated having an abortion. I didn’t think I could raise a life on my own. I felt unqualified because I mean hey…I didn’t exactly pick a 5 star situation to bring this person into.
So the battle with some of the most negative issues began. Shame, rejection and guilt were at the top of the list. Shame was really the issue not so much that I was pregnant, but what would others think. As I’ve stated before I was vocal about being a virgin just the year before…and it’s one of those things you don’t kinda announce when you no longer are…so the pregnancy would come as a shock. PLUS no one knew the dad. I never brought him up around my parents and rarely if ever around my friends because I already KNEW what they would say..so..
Rejection was an issue. I mean yes, I knew the dad and I had issues, but….now we are having a kid. Should I try to make this work..will he even allow this? Is this best for our son. I mean it was tough to be pregnant by someone who… you knew didn’t really like you any more and who you weren’t sure if you liked or felt connected because you were carrying his kid.
It soon became very apparent which route I should take and even before our son was born I stopped even making up an imaginary image of a “family” in my head. Which lead to another battle with…..
Guilt. Would my son understand why I wasn’t with his father. Would he be mad at me for not trying? Does it make me a bad mom to not try?
It was a mix bag of emotions for probably three years and still some not so great times for two years. I wanted to protect my son from disappointments, from hurts, from emotional bruises…but the truth is I can’t. And honestly that shouldn’t be my focus. Yes, be cautious and do my part, but the most important thing I can do for him is prepare him. Life is unfair. Sometimes bad things do happen to good people. It’s how we deal with those issues that make us who we are. Going through what I went through (and honestly still go through) with his dad made me stronger. it made me value my current relationship with my husband that I probably couldn’t do without this experience.
So yes, I had a baby while I wasn’t married. But I am not “just” a baby momma and what does that even mean? Raising a kid is hard. I did it solo for a year and a half and was like this totally could use another person. I salute those moms (and dads) that are doing it on their own..Shame or embarrassment should never be a part of that equation.. heck there’s too much to worry about as it is.
Overcoming (and still working on) this issue is a lie that I constantly battle with. Their are a lot of judgments that fall on a mom whose not married and can I say this. Many times if a man is even slightly involved with his kids he is treated like a super hero. I always found the double standard so odd. Anyway that’s a subject for another time. Don’t let another’s opinion of you or your situation shake the value of what you are worth. Love on your baby(ies), stay prayed up and focused. I really hate the term baby momma, because it seems to denote that person to a single line of life. Plus the images that arise from that image….but we must pick and choose our battles.
I’m a woman of value…and…sometimes I lie and think that I’m not
Testimony- evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.
So today’s Sunday School lesson was discussing the faith and belief to help yourselves and others. The passage was on Mark 9:14-29. It discussed the story about a father who had come to the disciples and Jesus for his son to be healed from a demon. The passage that stood out the most to me in this lesson was Mark 9 Verse 23 “If you can? said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” (NIV) That statement just brought so many different ideas in my mind.
- How simple life would be if we truly believed God and the journey he has for our lives? For me, I worry incessantly. I worry that I am doing too much, that I am not doing enough. What if I just decided to stop worrying and gave my life truly to God? Let him truly fight my battles. How grand my life would be? I try too hard to be the author of my own life instead of giving the Pen to God.
- The father in this story searched for God and his disciples. He was desperate. He had a goal and he worked to see his goal come to fruition. Are we working for our goals? Daily. I can honestly say that some days are better than ever but I made a commitment today to be more consistent. A popular saying in sobriety is, “One Day At a Time.”
- What if our testimony isn’t only for ourselves? God is merciful. He gives us new chances daily. I am a big proponent of sharing my struggles and successes for the sake that it may bring inspiration to others or help them in some sort of positive way.I also believe that we as humans are connected to each other (even if we don’t always like it). I go through things with the idea that God is working on me to help strengthen my relationship with him but what if I go through things so others might see the goodness of his love. I think as Christians it is our duty to share our testimonies with others. Sometimes our testimony isn’t only for us but the person who may feel like giving up.
Cheers to a new week.
So, since I took a month off from Rad7even blogging (and two months from HER), I decided to come back with a series entitled “Lies I Tell Myself”. It is my hope that through me exposing some of my lies and insecurities that I will grow AND so will you. This will be an 8 part series, I chose the number 8 because biblically that is the number that represents new beginnings and dear loves that is what I am hoping this is.
Lie Number One- I don’t have time.
I use this line for absolutely everything LOL it is my get out of jail free excuse. I don’t have time to exercise, to read, to send that email, to write that report, to play with my kids…..you name it I have used this line. It is pretty worn and honestly I didn’t see anything wrong with it, because it felt very much like truth. Like I literally would use it and walk around in it like..yeah that fits nice.
It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my husband that I realized I was overusing this term and it was a complete and utter cop out. A friend also suggested I watch and that also changed my view.
Truth is, I have veggied out in front of Netflix for three and four hours before. And sometimes it was so bad because I was watching shows not appropriate for the little guys so they were cornered off in their rooms. BUT I mean I need “me” time right? True, but could those shows wait until the kids are asleep, sure. Do I have to watch all 22 episodes of Black List so I can catch up to the new season, no.
The truth of the matter is, that I was not making time to do the things that matter. Am I tired after work, ABSOLUTELY, but I’d be tired even if the kids didn’t ask me to play with them or watch them build the 45th house with a doorbell that made another tune on Minecraft anyway..so why not indulge them. In a few years, they will be going through pre-teen angst and may or may not talk to me for five minutes so I should relish these never ending question and answer sessions, but I don’t always.
Anyway…back to the conversation with my husband. Last year he started getting serious about altering his physique (ironically I was about 7 months pregnant when this happened). Anyway he’s been doing everything basically right, but now he’s trying to do everything right, which means he needs even more of my support. I began altering the way I cooked and what I fixed last year but getting on that work out train was not happening. I mean sure I did a workout here and there but every week consistently not happening.
Last week the hubster came to me with all his plans and dreams and I realized…I have a ton of time I just place it all in the wrong areas. I started to make some adjustments and I have started to carve out time and make things priority that should be. How to dispel the lie-look at your schedule and what you are currently spending time on. Even if you alter five or ten minutes you will start to see some major changes
I lie (sometimes),
I have made clear through out this blog that I am both a democrat and religious. You also know that I am not a typical Southern conservative Christian like many of those where I live and work. Because of this, I have a hard time fitting in. But I haven’t give up and I hope there are some of you out there are reading this with an open mind. For those of you with similar beliefs you know my plight.
The biggest draw of several Republican candidates are that they run on a platform of returning American to it Religious glory. I am not concerned with defending or arguing these ideas and if these ideas even lead to that moniker. The point is this they want Jesus back in this country. They feel like this can be done within the structure of the Republican party.
But what if I told you that is the exact same reason I am voting for Bernie Sander and that I want to see Christ like behaviors back in the country? Sanders doesn’t claim to be specifically religious and that fact that he is Jewish has been damaging him in the eyes of the Religious right. Here is what they don’t see: Sanders’ mission is promote equality among ALL Americans. The youth of the nation will not be turned away. Veterans who fight wars will not be left to live in a refrigerator box. Women will not be treated as second class citizens. The least of these will be cared for.
“The least of these” sounds familiar to you doesn’t it? Jesus was about caring for the down trodden, the turned away, the disenfranchised. He fought against greed and reminded us that money is not the key to happiness. To be clear, I don’t think Sanders is Jesus but I KNOW that he has the “love thy neighbor as thyself” down. The man was arrested for protesting segregation in the sixties, has fought for the rights of veterans and women, and rallies against the one percent who control majority of the wealth and get insane amounts of tax breaks. He is the embodiment of the Christianity I hold dear. I feel it is a shame that this ideas doesn’t come from one of the religious candidates. But we each have to cast our own lots.
I am not here to change your mind. I am here to explain how religion is not cut and dried. You can be religious and believe in the revolution of the American people and you can be religious and believe that protecting Christianity is enacting certain law. I am proud that there is a candidate whom people support based on their love for their fellow human beings as opposed ti say listening to someone just because they have money and yell really loudly. But please be respectful back. Today is Alabama’s primary and emotions will be running high, but let’s be excellent to each other. I think Jesus would like that.
And the King will say, “I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!