October 2009 was a life changing month for me. It was during this time that I found out that I was going to be a mother. I have talked extensively about my first born son, but I haven’t talked much about the insecurities that popped up as soon as that test read “pregnant”.
The day before, my son’s father and I got into a huge argument. Like one that makes you never,ever want to talk to that person again. I was over it and ready to move on..but first a “friend” suggested I take a pregnancy test. Randomly on my lunch break I drove to her house and took the test. I remember getting up to wash my hands and looking over and seeing that test turn from hourglass to the words pregnant in less than 30 seconds.
See not only was I pregnant, but I was pregnant by a man who (at the time) already had four other children by three other women. So…I was the woman that other women would probably say was “dumb”, because you “knew what kind of man he was before”. He has a pretty bad track record already…and what made it worse were the twins born before our son were about nine months old when I found out I was pregnant. So..single,pregnant lady. The shame of that ordeal haunted me for awhile and (as I’ve stated before) I contemplated having an abortion. I didn’t think I could raise a life on my own. I felt unqualified because I mean hey…I didn’t exactly pick a 5 star situation to bring this person into.
So the battle with some of the most negative issues began. Shame, rejection and guilt were at the top of the list. Shame was really the issue not so much that I was pregnant, but what would others think. As I’ve stated before I was vocal about being a virgin just the year before…and it’s one of those things you don’t kinda announce when you no longer are…so the pregnancy would come as a shock. PLUS no one knew the dad. I never brought him up around my parents and rarely if ever around my friends because I already KNEW what they would say..so..
Rejection was an issue. I mean yes, I knew the dad and I had issues, but….now we are having a kid. Should I try to make this work..will he even allow this? Is this best for our son. I mean it was tough to be pregnant by someone who… you knew didn’t really like you any more and who you weren’t sure if you liked or felt connected because you were carrying his kid.
It soon became very apparent which route I should take and even before our son was born I stopped even making up an imaginary image of a “family” in my head. Which lead to another battle with…..
Guilt. Would my son understand why I wasn’t with his father. Would he be mad at me for not trying? Does it make me a bad mom to not try?
It was a mix bag of emotions for probably three years and still some not so great times for two years. I wanted to protect my son from disappointments, from hurts, from emotional bruises…but the truth is I can’t. And honestly that shouldn’t be my focus. Yes, be cautious and do my part, but the most important thing I can do for him is prepare him. Life is unfair. Sometimes bad things do happen to good people. It’s how we deal with those issues that make us who we are. Going through what I went through (and honestly still go through) with his dad made me stronger. it made me value my current relationship with my husband that I probably couldn’t do without this experience.
So yes, I had a baby while I wasn’t married. But I am not “just” a baby momma and what does that even mean? Raising a kid is hard. I did it solo for a year and a half and was like this totally could use another person. I salute those moms (and dads) that are doing it on their own..Shame or embarrassment should never be a part of that equation.. heck there’s too much to worry about as it is.
Overcoming (and still working on) this issue is a lie that I constantly battle with. Their are a lot of judgments that fall on a mom whose not married and can I say this. Many times if a man is even slightly involved with his kids he is treated like a super hero. I always found the double standard so odd. Anyway that’s a subject for another time. Don’t let another’s opinion of you or your situation shake the value of what you are worth. Love on your baby(ies), stay prayed up and focused. I really hate the term baby momma, because it seems to denote that person to a single line of life. Plus the images that arise from that image….but we must pick and choose our battles.
I’m a woman of value…and…sometimes I lie and think that I’m not