“I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked” 1 Samuel 1:27
I’ve been reflecting on parenting a lot lately. My first born son will be spending two weeks with his biological dad this summer. The longest time we have ever consistently not been around each other his entire almost 6 years of life. He is beyond excited and while I am excited for him,my little heart! His father and I have done very well over the past year working on our co-parenting relationship (more dialogue, more updates), but regardless my baby boy being away from me and in another city makes me nervous. This has nothing to do with his father’s parenting abilities or skills…but more so with my own anxiety.
I have been working on some new things (which I hope to share within the next blog or so), but it has helped me come to some realizations… one thing I never saw myself as an anxious person. I classified it as being thorough or worrying, but never labeled it anxiety. As I was doing my studies and started really peeling back some layers. I realized that I have been battling anxiety and anxious feelings my entire life. I mean to those who know and love me that is probably obvious. It is the reason I want to work on most projects alone. It is the reason that my mind drifts to the absolute worst case scenario….I trust no one but myself truly for this reason.
The killer of my dreams. The thing that can wake me up in the middle of the night. It finally has a name. Had I continued to call it worrying or just “being a realist” I couldn’t properly address this issue in my life.
So, what I learned are two things and it’s all biblical
- We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I am responsible for the thoughts I let linger in my head. I need to make sure that the thoughts are reasonable and of God. So, I read up on a technique called ANT (Automatic Negative Thoughts). With this technique you write out the negative thought or feeling and address it. For example, the thought could be “I am going to be fired”. You write out that sentence and then address the truth in it. 1) I have never received a negative evaluation. 2) things are going well within the company…. Etc. Then talk about the worst thing that can happen (I actually am fired). Once the worst scenario is addressed, then it is up to you to come up with a solution. (I can begin applying for jobs immediately. My friend Karen told me about a part time position opening up). When we actually stop the negative thought and address it, that thought loses power.
- Gratitude. Psalm 136: 1-3 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods, for his steadfast loved endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever.
My fellow blogger Gem is HUUUGE on gratitude. She always admonishes the girls to stay positive and write out what we are thankful for. Focusing on the positive also takes away the power of the negative.
So, for the last few weeks I have really worked on recognizing the negative and replacing it with God’s truth. Facts do differ from God’s truth. What I mean is, it might be a fact that you have no money in the bank but God’s truth says He has a cattle on a thousand hills and will supply all of your needs. You should never ignore the current circumstances, but should filter that through God’s Word first. If I were to filter most thoughts I would realize that most aren’t realistic and even those that are realistic I can and have overcome worse in my past.
Truth of the matter is, I don’t have control over anything. We’ve seen shootings in churches, car crashes, and random viruses. The world is full of uncertainty. It can be overwhelming to think of all the coulds, woulds, and shoulds. This is where faith is vitally important, we must go as God directs. There are certain tasks that God gives us, it might not make sense now, but hopefully it will. When I lost Baby Smith, it literally felt like my world was falling apart. I had no idea why this happened to me and my family. But as time has gone on, I have been able to encourage other women who have struggled with fertility. Until I went through it, I couldn’t speak to them.
I’ve got to trust God with my babies. Trust that whether they are physically in my care or not that they are never out of God’s hand..no matter where they are.
His eye is on the sparrow …..