Archive for October, 2016
I have been going 120 miles per hour since my last post. I really wish I’d conquer this thing called work life balance. (Is there such a thing). I took a part time job after quitting my full time job. Then I took on another part time job because I feared I couldn’t pay all my obligations…so 6 days a wk working, plus art class for Daniel, basketball tryouts for Landyn and ….Lennon just doing toddler stuff. Plus cooking and cleaning for 6 people….my plate was full to say the least.
I really enjoyed the time I had with the boys and exploring new things with them. Now I’m back wore out…how quickly that happened.
So now I’m taking a few steps back and trying to regroup because..it’s only been a 6 wks since my two a week panic attacks. I probably should have rested more.
Self care is vitally important. and now I’m back on my care.
This year I did something a little different. I usually pick one song that resounds to me and then make goals based on what God was saying through those words. This year, for some reason, I didn’t feel like one anthem really encompasses everything I am struggling with. So there is one over all anthem (true Colors by Kesha) but then one song for each goal. Read along for each song that haunts me and what God wanted me do with it.
“With all the blood I lost with you, it drowns the love I thought I knew”
My Blood- Ellie Goulding
I feel like I shouldn’t have to add my health into my goals but this song has always stirred feeling about my body and my sickness. I have gotten over at being angry at my body, which is what these lyrics represent. But I must learn to be positive even when I feel like I am slipping backwards. My biggest problem is when I have a flare. When I get sick or start hurting because I get a setback. I can’t handle that. It’s something I plan to work on this year
“I tried to call you buy you wasn’t around”
Hear Me Now-Five
When I first started my goals, I always included being touch with my friends. I have lost friends many for stupid reasons to let things that I can control get in the way. Then that goal trickled away, and I can see the aftermath. I will not let that happen. I will reach out and I will reconnect with the ones I lost because sat around twiddling my thumbs. I will work hard not to let others fade away as well.
“Don’t turn over the page”
Fake It, Bastille
This song has encouraged me to think about starting over. There is one person who this applies to, and I’m not sure what God wants me to do with this one. I first have to accept that I am starting over and then truly go with how God wants it without a secondary agenda. So help Lord, turn over the page.
“Back when we were kids”
I have a habit of looking back at scrapbooks and feeling stupid for the men I dated and the friends I had; I may have forgiven them but I still haven’t forgiven myself. I need to work on this and embrace the god times I had. I made major process when I pulled out the scrapbook of my friend’s wedding. They aren’t together anymore and I was worried about it: how it would affect me and how it might affect her that I had it. But looking through it, it was a testament to the strong bonds of friendship with all but one photo focuses on celebrating her and our close group of friends. It was a love story- just not the one I thought it would be. It was ours. And friends shouldn’t be ashamed of their love stories.
“We’ve got to let go of all our ghosts”
Send My Love- Adele
While the “Kids” goal is to forgive myself, this goal is to continue my healing process about those who hurt me. I have worked hard at forgiving others who have wronged me. I haven’t gotten to the point where I am actually wishing them well. I’m one step on forgiveness, apathy. I thought that was the end. But it’s not and I have to finish the process.
“I’m hanging on to the end of this rope”
Lonely Town- Brandon Flowers
It seems like I am always battling my depression. It’s not a constant but frequent enough. I am very frustrated to have to even add this in my goals. But when I have those episodes, I need to do better to pull myself out. You’ve seen goals before that help this: to write, to craft, to do things that make me happy. This year I am focusing on a better plan to deal when these episodes can’t be prevented (and this will always happened; that is the biggest struggle).
“Let it all go. Set it all free.”
The Veil- Peter Gabriel
I am not myself very openly. I work in a place where I worry about what others think. I said I would give up on that a long time ago yet I worry about my job and how people won’t think I can do it because I don’t believe the same things they do. I watched Snowden and was upset with myself. This guy gave up a cushy job, great pay and a home in paradise to expose the truth, and I sit behind my computer and hide from portion of the world I know will judge me. I talk about integrity but I don’t always follow it. This is just simply not acceptable. This year I will lift the veil (slowly) and know that God is on my side.
Sincere: sinˈsir/ (adj.) free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings.
My pastor has good sermons but his delivery can be a little lackluster. I’ve learned that if I listen to him and write notes that I get so much more from him. He said something that has stayed with me since last Sunday. He said,
nothing is more offensive to God and to man but to not be sincere.
This statement really got me thinking. What does it mean to be sincere? To me it means to be myself, no matter what the consequences are or what others may think of me. There were things that I thought I couldn’t share about myself because of what others would think of me. I thought that people would see me as being different. I’m learning now that being different is sometimes a qualification for one, really enjoying my life and feeling and being authentic. I feel like this past year I have truly been my sincere self. I have shared parts of my self to my closest friends and they never one batted an eye about being supportive of me.
How do you define sincere?
I am. Yes, that is a complete sentence. Everything, I think or experience is usually filtered through those two words.
I am strong. I am loving. I am…
I’ve focused more on shaping my world with my thoughts. My thoughts towards myself and those around me. The more I really focus on God and what I believe His purpose is for my life…things fall into place. The more I let go..the more things fall into place. I’ve spent the last week focused on selfcare, which has really changed how I interact with my children (and hubby) and how I treat my consumers at my new job.
I’ve made a few more food items this week, which I will share. And I have read every single day. Unfortunately, my Bible reading has fallen behind again…but I do read the Bible everyday. I am so excited to love my life again . I didn’t really how unhappy I was until..I shook off whatever it was holding me back. I.am.free
It’s Monday. What a Blessing that God saw fit to give us one more day to be in awe of his Greatness. I know it is also Monday. You may not be at the job that you feel is not seeing your potential or your children are not being perfect cherubs. Maybe you’re like me, waiting to get that 1 Million Dollar Check in the mail. ;-). I am doing better at thanking God for my current situations and not worrying about if I’m doing the right or wrong thing. No matter what I’m going through, I do my best to give thanksgiving to God.
So, I hope you are intrigued by title. Are you? Intrigued? Did it make you go hmm??
So the picture above is from Sunday Breakfast. I made Sweet Potato (with real sweet potatoes) Pancakes via http://thesouthernladycooks.com/2015/09/15/buttermilk-sweet-tater-pancakes/. They were delicious. The only thing that I would add to the recipe is about 1/4 more of buttermilk to make the batter a more pour-able.
So again, what does sweet potato pancakes have to doing living radically for Christ? God has been working on me with fear and how I am letting it stop me from living my life. I can see a great recipe on Pinterest which is where I found the one above but decide to not execute it because I am afraid that it won’t taste right or that no one in my family will like it. I recognize it that I was letting fear dictate what should be a fun and learning experience. I decided to be like Nike and Just Do It! They turned out great. My mom and my brother both loved them and my mom even asked me to do them a regular basis. I want to expand this attitude to my DaniGee business.
I had already planned to write this blog earlier last week and going to church yesterday was a confirmation for me that I needed to make sure it gets written. The message was titled, “Children of God Being Strong in Spiritual Battle,” with 2 Chronicles 20:14-21 being the scriptures to study. One of his ending points really stuck with me:
Fear will never change any circumstances.
This week’s affirmation: I will not let fear dictate my life anymore.
Have a beautiful, blessed, and radical week.