Archive for December, 2016

My Blood~Audrey

7c1462d1dc35f8607d759ebb541a59e3I am a huge Ellie Goulding fan. Both the music itself and the lyrics move me. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that one of her songs embodies my feeling about my body and my chronic illness. My Blood helps explain my journey. When I saw her in person tears flowed when I heard this song live. It was a very ethereal moment, and I will never forget it as long as I live.

Let me walk you through the song.

 

That feeling, that doesn’t go away just did

And I walked a thousand miles to prove it

And I’m caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts

The color of my blood is all I see on the rocks

As you sail from me

 

 

These verses capture the struggle as my body was breaking down. I could barely walk or sleep. I was miserable. I had to see so many doctor and travel many miles to even figure out what was wrong with me. I struggled with the idea that my body was fighting. It is literally parts of my actual blood that doesn’t work right. And my blood was all I could think of.

 

 

Alarms will ring for eternity

The waves will break every chain on me

My bones will bleach

My flesh will flee

So help my lifeless frame to breathe

 

Finally I got a doctor who cared and promised he would make me feel better. He did confirm that this was a lifelong disease and there was no cure. But there was a treatment and that helped me breathe and step forward. My lifeless body could actually become something useful again. These promised kept me going.

 

 

The lost dreams I  buried in my sleep for him

And this was the ecstasy of a love forgotten

And I’m thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets

And my blood is all I see As you steal my soul from me

Alarms will ring for eternity

I skip the chorus to get to the next verse for a purpose. I want to leave you with the chorus as that is my hope for my life so forgive me for the incorrect order.

This is my life as I started to heal and fight the pain. I looked back at what I wanted to do and tried to succeed instead of letting my dreams be buried. I refuse to let this disease steal my spirit but it’s a tough battle and I saw my spirit be dragged from me. But no more! I will capture it again and I will be me again!

 

 

And God knows, I’m not dying but I breathe now

And God knows, it’s the only way to heal now

With all the blood I lost with you

It drowns the love I thought I knew

 

 

This is the hope portion of the song. Treatment is the only way to heal. I am not terminal and I can live on. I can find that spirit I lost. I am working towards this more every day! I am so much better that this time last year and that’s just amazing! My mantra? I’m not dying but I breathe now.

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