Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.-X
My 20s are gone, I spent a lot of this time making excuses for why I shouldn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t do something.
Time, I mean who really has it?
How? How would I get x,y or z done.
Or worse yet, I’d cheerlead another’s dream while choking on my own. But why? Why would I not do my best? Or take more chances? What in the world stops (or stopped me from moving forward?).
Truth is, I never saw myself as a leading lady, if I were in Destiny’s Child, I’d been Kelly. Id be Ringo, had I been a Beatle. Why? Because I’ve always put myself second(sometimes third or fourth). My pain, my dreams…I always felt weren’t as important as someone else’s and …gosh I dont have it that bad.
I’ve learned to shrink back while others push forward. It’s self taught and I don’t really know when that flip switched for me. As a child and teenager (although yes I had some awkward stages), I always, always believed in myself. Believed that I could and dang it would make a difference…but somewhere after I crossed the stage after graduation….reality and self-doubt smacked me in my face. I don’t think I saw the change in myself and thoughts until recently. Until I stopped blogging for Rad7even(because what radical thing am I actually doing) or for HER (what advice could I possibly give) or stopped attending church…or fellowshiping with my girls. Maybe it was moving to Birmingham and finding out how hard it was to connect to another living person that i wasn’t married to..and heck..trying to figure out how to connect with my new husband.
Somewhere between the move and the marriage the miscarriage and new babies…I dropped something. The past four years I’ve learned a great deal..but I lost myself.
I’ve made excuses for the past four years, I’ve supported other people’s dreams while purposely sabotaging my own……but why??
I honestly dont know, but I’m refusing to let my 30s be another lost path on this journey.