I haven’t written much in the past few months, It’s been such a hectic time. I feel like some of my journey has been a bit watered down the past few months. When I first started this journey I believe the level of transparency was vitally important to really growing in Christ.
Today will be a very transparent day. As many may know I started Rad7even as a single momma to an amazing (at that time) 15 month old son. Fast forward and I now have an almost 8 year old. I’ve never once regretted being a single mom. It was a choice because his father and I were never together and I knew that even as magical and wonderful as my Daniel would be… he would not be the solution to a relationship that hadn’t been already fostered.
I knew the journey would be hard, but I thought it would be hard for different reasons. Parenting is hard. Period. LOL so I knew that would be a bit of a challenge. But as it turns out co-parenting has proven to be the real source of difficulty for me. I honestly didn’t suspect that..I know. I know how naïve of me. But I really believed that since there weren’t too many emotions between his father and I that we would be able to co-parent fairly seamlessly.
Not quite. It’s really hard to get on the same page with someone that you don’t understand and in turn that has caused some communication pitfalls that for whatever reason I have not been able to overcome. And left my sweet boy asking some tough questions that I don’t have answers to. I can only speak for myself. I can’t even begin to explain why someone does whatever or doesn’t do whatever. But it definitely has had me down on myself. Like I totally didn’t pick a great situation to bring such a special kid into.
I struggle with forgiving myself, because my decision affects him. No matter how much I think I have grown as a mother I can’t answer for the other biological side of him. It’s a gift I can’t give him. He has an absolutely wonderful relationship with my husband. In fact, he’s been the most consistent male factor his whole life. My husband has been in his life since he was 18 months old.
Looking back over the past 9 years (pregnancy and birth) of my first born son; should be colored with way more beautiful moments than not and honestly they are. I have to be able to forgive myself. No. Having a baby not in marriage. Not in a committed relationship with someone who will love on that child regardless of the status of your future. It’s been tough. But today. I forgive me. I forgive me for allowing a situation with my own father affect my decision making. I forgive me for staying in an unhealthy situation longer than I needed to. I forgive me for not giving my son the biological father that he needs and honestly deserves.
I will choose to only speak my truth and not search for the answers that someone else will need to answer for later. I can only do my part. My part is to love on my baby and love on myself while I walk into newfound freedom.
I am free….
Listen to this song that gives me so much peace Daddy’s Home