Archive for category Anxiety
Self Doubt. Anger. Confusion. No Time. These past couple of months have been challenging, to the say the least. I was asked to take on another role at work, which I was such an honor and I was so happy to even be considered. What I didn’t immediately realize would come would be difficult work situations and extra responsibilities that doesn’t always end at 5 o’clock. During this time of transition, I’ve doubted myself, became stressed and anxious to the point where the only thing that got me out of bed was the fact that I knew I could hop back in as soon as I got back home. I hate that feeling but sometimes it felt like it was unavoidable. I was able to decompress with trusted coworkers and my best friends but I felt like I was hitting the same wall on a weekly basis. Is this what it looks like when you are given more responsibilities? If so, I was looking for the receipt and the package that it came in.
But God. He knows what I need even before I ask. He gave me April 16th. He gave me the holiday to celebrate his son’s resurrection. He gave me (US) his only son, the ultimate sacrifice. It was doing this day that it hit me that he sacrificed his life for me, not to live life in ever-anxious state but to LIVE. He wants all the praise. The life I live should be a joyful one, a one of thankfulness on our tongue.
Life can be daunting. It can be uncomfortable and scary. However, I believe in God. I believe that he has his best interests for me. It is a reason for me to be going through this. It is for preparation for something greater. God has made ME in his image and he makes no mistakes. He has given me the tools for my purpose in this world.
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” -John 11 25-27
My goals for year 5 were simplified and put into 5 categories. So…Let’s see how I did.
Goal 1: I am a woman…a mother…an employee -All three can co-exist
So…While I do believe this to be true I had to alter this a tad bit. Right before Rad year 5 ended, I quit my job. I felt the nudging of God to move so I did. Quitting was hard for me, because I wrapped myself around my job a bit too tightly. I had lost my purpose for being there, which at any job is to be a light and not necessarily fit into certain things. I learned a lot about myself, my goals and most importantly I learned the value of my voice and responding to God’s Call. So in order to fulfill this goal I had to change directions, I’m glad I did and now I have a job that has a bit more flexibilty and I can still walk in my purpose of serving others!
Goal 2: Reconnect to God by disconnecting from distractions
Um…so yeah totally failed at this goal. I didn’t fast every single month BUT I did disconnect from things, people and places that no longer served me in a good way. More importantly I reconnected to people, places and things that inspired my soul. I think I’ll recycle this goal.
Goal 3: Stop looking for other things to save, complete or give me identity
Passed! Quitting my job really solidifed this for me. I made that goal knowing in my mind that this was a huge issue for me. So by leaving I opened myself up to new opportunities. I wrote for a magazine, I shared at an event about Baby Smith, I joined groups that would purposely push me not only as a writer but a person. I made sure to focus intently on what I believe my purpose is and to walk on that path.
Goal 4: Pay on what I owe without being buried by debt
So….This gets a C. I paid off my car and consolidated my consumer debt (Yay!) But then I turned around and had to put some car repairs on my card…and just overpsent on another (sigh) not as high as it was but not zero. Most importantly , my hubby amd I got on the same page financially and are closer to home ownership!I’ll probably recycle this goal
Goal 5: Fear Not
I had two panic attacks in the month of August. My first ones ever (and hopefully last). I found out the source of my fears really are founded in anger. I keep a lot to myself and dont speak up because I fear making someone else feel bad or I dont want to stir the pot so to speak. All the internalized anger turned on me. Learning to find and use my voice has been vitally important. I have stepped out more in faith the last 4 wks than probably the whole year. With that being said..I believe I nailed this one!
“I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked” 1 Samuel 1:27
I’ve been reflecting on parenting a lot lately. My first born son will be spending two weeks with his biological dad this summer. The longest time we have ever consistently not been around each other his entire almost 6 years of life. He is beyond excited and while I am excited for him,my little heart! His father and I have done very well over the past year working on our co-parenting relationship (more dialogue, more updates), but regardless my baby boy being away from me and in another city makes me nervous. This has nothing to do with his father’s parenting abilities or skills…but more so with my own anxiety.
I have been working on some new things (which I hope to share within the next blog or so), but it has helped me come to some realizations… one thing I never saw myself as an anxious person. I classified it as being thorough or worrying, but never labeled it anxiety. As I was doing my studies and started really peeling back some layers. I realized that I have been battling anxiety and anxious feelings my entire life. I mean to those who know and love me that is probably obvious. It is the reason I want to work on most projects alone. It is the reason that my mind drifts to the absolute worst case scenario….I trust no one but myself truly for this reason.
The killer of my dreams. The thing that can wake me up in the middle of the night. It finally has a name. Had I continued to call it worrying or just “being a realist” I couldn’t properly address this issue in my life.
So, what I learned are two things and it’s all biblical
- We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I am responsible for the thoughts I let linger in my head. I need to make sure that the thoughts are reasonable and of God. So, I read up on a technique called ANT (Automatic Negative Thoughts). With this technique you write out the negative thought or feeling and address it. For example, the thought could be “I am going to be fired”. You write out that sentence and then address the truth in it. 1) I have never received a negative evaluation. 2) things are going well within the company…. Etc. Then talk about the worst thing that can happen (I actually am fired). Once the worst scenario is addressed, then it is up to you to come up with a solution. (I can begin applying for jobs immediately. My friend Karen told me about a part time position opening up). When we actually stop the negative thought and address it, that thought loses power.
- Gratitude. Psalm 136: 1-3 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods, for his steadfast loved endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever.
My fellow blogger Gem is HUUUGE on gratitude. She always admonishes the girls to stay positive and write out what we are thankful for. Focusing on the positive also takes away the power of the negative.
So, for the last few weeks I have really worked on recognizing the negative and replacing it with God’s truth. Facts do differ from God’s truth. What I mean is, it might be a fact that you have no money in the bank but God’s truth says He has a cattle on a thousand hills and will supply all of your needs. You should never ignore the current circumstances, but should filter that through God’s Word first. If I were to filter most thoughts I would realize that most aren’t realistic and even those that are realistic I can and have overcome worse in my past.
Truth of the matter is, I don’t have control over anything. We’ve seen shootings in churches, car crashes, and random viruses. The world is full of uncertainty. It can be overwhelming to think of all the coulds, woulds, and shoulds. This is where faith is vitally important, we must go as God directs. There are certain tasks that God gives us, it might not make sense now, but hopefully it will. When I lost Baby Smith, it literally felt like my world was falling apart. I had no idea why this happened to me and my family. But as time has gone on, I have been able to encourage other women who have struggled with fertility. Until I went through it, I couldn’t speak to them.
I’ve got to trust God with my babies. Trust that whether they are physically in my care or not that they are never out of God’s hand..no matter where they are.
His eye is on the sparrow …..
Testimony- evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.
So today’s Sunday School lesson was discussing the faith and belief to help yourselves and others. The passage was on Mark 9:14-29. It discussed the story about a father who had come to the disciples and Jesus for his son to be healed from a demon. The passage that stood out the most to me in this lesson was Mark 9 Verse 23 “If you can? said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” (NIV) That statement just brought so many different ideas in my mind.
- How simple life would be if we truly believed God and the journey he has for our lives? For me, I worry incessantly. I worry that I am doing too much, that I am not doing enough. What if I just decided to stop worrying and gave my life truly to God? Let him truly fight my battles. How grand my life would be? I try too hard to be the author of my own life instead of giving the Pen to God.
- The father in this story searched for God and his disciples. He was desperate. He had a goal and he worked to see his goal come to fruition. Are we working for our goals? Daily. I can honestly say that some days are better than ever but I made a commitment today to be more consistent. A popular saying in sobriety is, “One Day At a Time.”
- What if our testimony isn’t only for ourselves? God is merciful. He gives us new chances daily. I am a big proponent of sharing my struggles and successes for the sake that it may bring inspiration to others or help them in some sort of positive way.I also believe that we as humans are connected to each other (even if we don’t always like it). I go through things with the idea that God is working on me to help strengthen my relationship with him but what if I go through things so others might see the goodness of his love. I think as Christians it is our duty to share our testimonies with others. Sometimes our testimony isn’t only for us but the person who may feel like giving up.
Cheers to a new week.
Happy New Year!! As 2014 came to an end, I saw posts on social media about how people viewed the past year and what they wanted to do different in 2015. There were some people who gave people slack over saying New Year, New Me. I didn’t see what the big deal was. You should reevaluate your life on a regular basis and the end of the year is the perfect time to do it, in my opinion. I actually started before the end of 2014. There were things that I saw myself doing that that I didn’t like. I don’t want to just survive life, I want to live it.
I’ve added 2 additional life goals (additional to my current radical 7 goals). I’ve decided to become more diligent (again) about my weight loss and eating habits. I also want to develop my relationship with God.
I realized that 2014 and parts of 2014 that I really had given up on my journey to lose weight. I don’t know when it happened but I had resigned myself to be the size that I currently am. In 2014, I was getting compliments on my size and I’m like I’m not doing anything near right – I was sucking up sodas like they were going out of style; the only greens\vegetables I was seeing was on my burger; I was getting maybe half of my allotted daily water requirements. It came to me that if I was keeping my weight consistent with little to no exercise and dismal eating habits, that if I started small and made changes to my daily routine, I could make lifelong changes. So, I’ve decided to not get a big head and think that I will have a whole new wardrobe by the end of 2015 but that if I’m consistent more days than I’m not, I can have a real chance of losing weight and a better relationship with food.
My relationship with God is nowhere it needs to be. I feel as if, I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I sometimes feel like a child about to be scolded, for all the things that I’ve said and done. With this goal, I hope to be more honest with my feelings, start and end my day with him, and know that he is a father who only wants the best for his children.
I received a gift this Christmas, a bracelet that has a saying on it: “She believed she could, so she did.” That’s my mantra for 2015.
Here’s to the New Year and prayerfully a new me.
Still Pushing with a pep in my step,
Philippians 4:13 NIV
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I thought that I would never blog about Baby Smith again..but I realized, there aren’t many voices out there for women who suffer a loss like this. What helped me get through this difficult time was reading the blogs/boards of women who went through it. It turns out I did not end up miscarrying the baby; I had an ectopic pregnancy. I never saw the baby and was told immediately that the pregnancy had to be terminated; my life was at risk. How the tables turned for me. I went from mourning the baby..to mourning again as I had to take the MTX shot to end the pregnancy. The shot had side effects that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy..but here I am.
There are so many things that happened this year that I just knew I couldn’t do. I never saw me moving to another city or switching jobs and I did not see an ectopic pregnancy coming my way. At each of these life changing junctions; like a stubborn child refusing to share his toys; I put my foot down and told God “I just can’t”. I can’t stand to move away from my family and a job I’m comfortable at. I can’t go through the pain of losing a baby…I just can’t. But..I did.
Each step..no matter how small or timid;I would say..I don’t think I can..but I will try. When you first get news especially if it’s life changing the first reaction can be doubt. Well atleast it is for me. What this entire year taught me..was I can. I did the impossible at least five times this year. Not because I’m great or wonderful, but because my Father is. I, like Paul, do not brag in my strength. I realize that after being broken..my strength was nothing more than a fantasy. What kept me going was seeing God in the circumstance. I saw God in my healthy boys. I saw God in my supportive husband. I saw God..in just those still moments between tears and questions. I can.Not because I’m so wonderful but because God already wrote it for me to do. Before December 30 (my birthdate), God already knew what my life would hold. I should know every step (even if I can’t see it) is already worked out.
I saw a quote that said faith is believing now what will only make sense in reverse. I’m not sure what this year is supposed to mean in the grand scheme..maybe there’s a scared pregnant momma that might do a google search on ectopic/complicated pregnancy and see that even in the midst of my recovery..that I am recovering and that healing is on the other side. Idk. And honestly that’s not my focus. My focus now is..doing what God willed for me to do.
Impossible only takes a week.
I would like to update on all of my Rad7even goals. A week ago my husband bought me a potted flower..so I am attempting to keep it alive *fingers crossed*
I haven’t been reading the entire Bible (shocker right) but I have been holding on to some Scriptures that are helping me through this time.
I started my new job Monday and I am so happy I made the transition. It’s an organization with a Christ center and focus; we actually prayed before our staff meeting! Everyone’s been extremely nice and I’m fitting in well..
***********In other news***********
This will probably be my last blog this month…just because I’m working hard on staying positive and trying to not talk about the situation too much.
I heard from my doctor today after waiting the longest 48 hours of my life. My HCG levels were higher than what they were on Monday. So I threatened to miscarry but right now Baby Smith is still in place! I go back in two weeks and I’m praying to hear a heartbeat 🙂
I wish I could say that I just rested in those Scriptures..but instead I worried, cried, prayed and cried some more. I’ve been a wreck all week. I had pretty much made up my mind that I lost the baby Monday. My husband has been way more positive and has worked really hard on trying to keep me focused. Every aspect of our lives Is always in God’s hands..but I am a type A person. I like plans, agendas…I like structure. So…I didn’t take surprise well. I wish I had. My mom, HIS and so many people were being so positive. But everytime I got a congrats on the pregnancy my heart would sink a little bit. I know it was meant well..but boy…it was tough.
My mentor told me that until I totally let go of my will and need for control God will continue to throw situations at me that are completely out of my control. So…at this moment I’m a momma to be and I wanna enjoy the process. Whatever happens this has taught me so much about my faith level and where I need to go.