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Going Home – Renee’

Saturday, April 7th Lennon and Darren were dedicated to God, in my home church. It had been years since I had been back but… it felt so good to be there. All the kids I used to teach in Sabbath School were either now teens or young adults. The elders of the church recounted all the stories from my youth. Everyone was so excited to see me… and my now expanded family.

Bethany raised me and it was glad to see so many familar faces who cheered me on in Christ.

Two things stuck out the most, 1》 how many people joined us for the occasion. Great-grands, grands, great aunts, uncles, Godmother and God-grandmother… when LaDarren and I stood up there was an entire tribe standing with us. It was beautiful. My boys all four not just those being dedicated have so much love and support.

2》 The second thing that stood out was Pastor Watson’s sermon. He spoke about God’s Grace and started out with the Scripture about King David and how he was looking for someone in the House of Saul to be kind to.

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Pastor went on to talk about God’s unmerited favor and how some people walk around like they’ve never needed God’s grace or like they never recieved it. He spoke a bit on how some in the church would not adequately or fairly deal with those who may have fallen short.

It reminded me of when I found out I was pregnant with Daniel. I completely left my church. I just felt like with everything going on with his dad I couldn’t deal with anything remotely negative. So i left. I dont know if it was the right thing to do or not because when I came back after giving birth I was welcomed back and and I chose to rebaptise myself (with my brother Josh so it was extra special).

Going back to Bethany made me realize yet again the importance of a church home, remember one of my goals is to find a church. There’s nothing like being in fellowship with other believers and while yes, none of them are perfect, just like you’re not perfect either. It is good to surround yourself with people tryingto get right and do right.

We had professional pictures taken and I’ll update this post when I get those back. Until then…

 

Be blessed!

 

 

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But Life is for Leading~Audrey

“We can celebrate the highlight”
“Lost And Found”, Train

1. Writing/blog

This hasn’t been going well. But IU had a major depression. You read more about it in my blog “Sloth”.  I am still doing book reviews and I am contemplating changing my movie review blog into a book review blog. That might be better for me

2. Exercise

This one isn’t going as well either. I have been a dark period and having extra issues with my health. I have to get in the mind set that I can do exercise that fits into my days.

3. Be Myself

I have been better at this. While, there are some subjects that shouldn’t be broached, I am trying to be myself., Me a nerd. Let out my weird sense of humor. I am also actively working on my self confidence which will help me immensely in this goal.

“Lord, restore the joy I had”
“Soul On Fire”, Third Day

4. Spiritual

I have been reading my Bible, focusing on Psalms this year. But I take a time each night to read my bible and study other books to grow in knowledge. I have tried to be more in the moment. I have when I pray I end up in Stage 1 &2 sleep, so now I am looking into meditation with my eyes open to counter act this. I want to be in the moment, not fall asleep

5. Take A Leap Of Faith

My life is pretty much a leap of faith. All kidding aside, I have not presented with such a scenario. I think I need to pray for the opportunity more.

“Always whispering, “It’s all your fault””
“Learn to Let Go”, Kesha

6. Forgive Myself

Coming out of last year’s depression was a big help in this area. When I finally saw clearly, I brushed aside what I did and started over. I forgave myself for being in that place. It has help me move and do better. So knowing I can forgive myself for something that just happened, gives me hop I can forgive myself for something that happen a long time ago.

7.Spread the Love

I’ve been wrapped up a lot in myself and not been there so much to reach out to others that don’t live close to me. I am natural very loving and have done small and big things for others just because they needed it so at least I am being an example on how to love those close to you physically. But I’ve dropped the ball on my distance friends.

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I Forgive Me-Renee`

I haven’t written much in the past few months, It’s been such a hectic time. I feel like some of my journey has been a bit watered down the past few months. When I first started this journey I believe the level of transparency was vitally important to really growing in Christ.

Today will be a very transparent day. As many may know I started Rad7even as a single momma to an amazing (at that time) 15 month old son. Fast forward and I now have an almost 8 year old. I’ve never once regretted being a single mom. It was a choice because his father and I were never together and I knew that even as magical and wonderful as my Daniel would be… he would not be the solution to a relationship that hadn’t been already fostered.

I knew the journey would be hard, but I thought it would be hard for different reasons. Parenting is hard. Period. LOL so I knew that would be a bit of a challenge. But as it turns out co-parenting has proven to be the real source of difficulty for me. I honestly didn’t suspect that..I know. I know how naïve of me. But I really believed that since there weren’t too many emotions between his father and I that we would be able to co-parent fairly seamlessly.

Not quite. It’s really hard to get on the same page with someone that you don’t understand and in turn that has caused some communication pitfalls that for whatever reason I have not been able to overcome. And left my sweet boy asking some tough questions that I don’t have answers to. I can only speak for myself. I can’t even begin to explain why someone does whatever or doesn’t do whatever. But it definitely has had me down on myself. Like I totally didn’t pick a great situation to bring such a special kid into.

I struggle with forgiving myself, because my decision affects him. No matter how much I think I have grown as a mother I can’t answer for the other biological side of him. It’s a gift I can’t give him. He has an absolutely wonderful relationship with my husband. In fact, he’s been the most consistent male factor his whole life. My husband has been in his life since he was 18 months old.

Looking back over the past 9 years (pregnancy and birth) of my first born son; should be colored with way more beautiful moments than not and honestly they are. I have to be able to forgive myself. No. Having a baby not in marriage. Not in a committed relationship with someone who will love on that child regardless of the status of your future. It’s been tough. But today. I forgive me. I forgive me for allowing a situation with my own father affect my decision making. I forgive me for staying in an unhealthy situation longer than I needed to. I forgive me for not giving my son the biological father that he needs and honestly deserves.

I will choose to only speak my truth and not search for the answers that someone else will need to answer for later. I can only do my part. My part is to love on my baby and love on myself while I walk into newfound freedom.

 

I am free….

Listen to this song that gives me so much peace Daddy’s Home

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Sloth~Audrey

My deadly sin? Sloth.
Let me make something clear: fatigue isn’t the same as sloth. Depression isn’t the same as sloth. Sloth is letting things get nasty and being lazy without reason. It becomes apathy with no excuse.
I just realize that I have transitioned out of depression into sloth. The orphans aren’t here. I don’t feel bad. I am just lazy.
So I prayed and got off my butt. For about three days, I had energy, participating in my hobbies and cleaning my house! I made sure to pace myself and was doing great.
Then a flare came, and it all went away. I made myself color and read so I would be doing something and to keep my brain off my pain. But it upset me because I was doing so well fighting sloth. Now I was possibly getting back into the habit..
I am feeling better than I was but I’m not back to normal but the fact that it frustrated me meant that I was still in the spirit to fight sloth. So I am not using this flare as an excuse.
I will pull myself of our deadly sin and keep honoring the Lord!

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Epilepsy the dreaded “E” Word -Renee’

1516800766277_imageWriting is therapeutic for me so…here I am writing in the midst of a confusing and trying time again.

This radical Seven Journey has captured all of my trials with Daniel and his epilepsy journey. No matter how many seizures he has I will NEVER get used to them.

It’s incredible how quickly things change. Yesterday, Daniel complained a little bit of feeling dizzy before school (which he does from time to time with no incidents) we try to listen to him for cues because the older he gets he can communicate when he feels off. We gave him a whole bottle of water, B6, B12 and Magnesium like every morning. He said he felt better. An hour and a half later he had a seizure in the computer lab.

I always, always feel guilty because I’m like should he have gone to school?  He’s usually good about telling me if he can go or not. He said yes but I was unsure even then. This time it happened in front of his class. This is the first time thats happen. He had a dizzy spell before but never a full on seizure.

He’s always scared after because he can’t control when or if they happen. How awful to live in fear of your own body?

I was able to get him home where he slept for hours  (which is normal) the seizures take a toll. The school nurse checked for fever and he didn’t have one.

When he woke up he ate and was trying to get back to “normal”. But he just didn’t look right. I kept asking him how he felt he responded “awesome” “great” but I knew better. I was cleaning up the house and checking on him every 5 to 10 minutes while he laid on the couch  (he didn’t want to go to his room).

I got an urging from the Holy Spirit to go back and check on him. He was seizing on the couch.

The.worst.sight.ever.

Afterwards he was burning up. He was disoriented he kept hugging me and then pushing me away. He was scared and knew I was a comfort but I don’t think he knew I was “mom” for a few minutes after. He now had a fever of 102. Within 4 hours he developed a fever and had another seizure.

Our neurologist is out of town so I made my second call to the on call neurologist, gave Motrin then Tylenol.

I have some comfort in knowing the last two seizures were caused by fevers ( he had one in December when his fever was breaking). And maybe the one at school was caused by his body trying to fight this illness off.

After a seizure he sleeps with me. I wish I had the power to stop these atracks but i feel better knowing hes near me too. My hubby always understands and makes other accommodations. Maybe I can talk him into that 12 ft bed 🤔 lol.

I’m going to go on a fast to focus o  praying for health, strength and bravery as we face this and other obstacles. I read Ephesians that said God can do more than we think or ask…I need to know what my Father wants from me and Daniel with this.

Anything you need to pray about or for? Remember God can do more than we can think or ask.

 

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31 reasons-Renee’

 

received_10100237270960244Yesterday, I turned 31. It’s hard to believe that I started Rad7even when I was in my early 20s. I’m still here!! I’m so blessed and happy to have this blog to remember alllllll that God has done for me. So today I’m giving 31 reasons or lessons Ive learned that have brought me happiness. Don’t worry I’ll only do 10 at a time.

31. Time is an illusion. We tend to live like tomorrow always comes, but in reality it doesn’t for all of us. We can use this to depress us, put fear in our hearts or motivate us.

30. Being a wife/ mother will not complete you. In fact, it will splinter you even more if you’re not centered. Enjoy the moments and accept the blessing of partnership but dont stress it until you’re whole and healthy.

29. Laugh more. Stop being so serious all the time. Belly laughs are so healing.

28. Go for it! Push past pain and run straight towards your goals.

27. Love someone unconditionally. Love will hurt at times. Remember that all people are fallible and no one is a superhero. Learn to love people as they are.

26. The worst things are survivable. Many times something has happened and I felt like I couldn’t move forward. But I did. If I’m still here it means I can survive at least one more day.

25. Do something for you. There are sometimes weeks that go by without me doing one thing for myself. I’ve learned sometimes…just focusing on me is the best thing I can do for my family. When I feel good I am able to love better.

24. Ask for and receive help. Stop trying to save the world while simultaneously killing yourself.

23. Silence is golden. Take time to be still and focus on what God is telling you.

22. Be creative. Write, dance, sculpt do whatever you like that is a creative output. It brings new energy into your space.

 

See ya next year with some more!

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Social Butterfly -Renee

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I’m often amazed by the wide range of personalities that I am raising. With my three biological boys I knew parts of their personalities before they were born. As sick as I was with Darren, I remember his gender ultrasound and how I literally just came from the restroom getting sick as a dog and when he popped on the screen his hands were behind his head…chilling. Nothing seemed to shake him; same thing after our terrifying birthing experience. He latched immediately for nursing and once in my room the next day…smiled at me!
Daniel my first born…he’s emotional and dramatic. I remember leaving him in his bassinet at around 1 month old to take a 10 minute shower. When I got back he was howling like a coyote and had even busted a blood vessel in his eye…in 10 mins. I remember thinking…what did I get myself into. 7 years later…he still has knee jerk reactions that we are working on but he  is also a sweetheart. Thats the thing about him feeling things deeply both positive and negative.
Now Lennon, my rainbow baby (a baby born after a loss) he is…Lennon. it’s hard to describe my old soul child. He can make basketball shots on a 10 ft goal, can sing his alphabet and count to 20 (skipping 4 and 17) …but one thing Lennon is not is social.
Huge social scenes stress my little guy out and up until recently he’s avoided many of those scenes. But today…today Lennon started school.
We sang songs, we hyped school up… yet he howled and sobbed  when we dropped  him off. Adjusting is hard and I see so much of myself in him. The apprehension to speak up, the timidity when it’s time to step up.
I used to be so sure of myself and somehow that’s gotten lost. It’s time to become my little social butterfly self and teach my kids as well.

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