Posts Tagged audrey

It Ain’t No Rainbow~Audrey

It’s time for a “half year” check in (more or less; I’m always late these days). I’m having a tough time in my life right now but I am trying. Here’s where I stand.

 

“Just Let Me Know”

 

I have worked hard on connecting with friends. I wrote two very heartfelt letters to friends I thought of as “wayward.” Not that they are bad, but they have a life that has helped them close up and not reach out. So I tried to reach out but no response. But I feel better about my stance with them. I also posted a birthday post on a friend who my only contact is on Facebook. We were very close in high school but she’s changed and while I understand we grow, I wish we weren’t complying separate.  I didn’t expect her to reply; she didn’t; but I tried.

 

I failed at staying in touch with current friends. I’ve been so focused on my specific problems that I haven’t been much of the “reach out and touch someone” person I had been. Maybe I can fix that this week.

 

“And, God knows, It’s the Only Way to Heal Now”

I’m losing this battle in the war of my health. I stope exercising and sometimes just stopped caring. I’m stuck in rut. I’ve been busy and very stressed which chokes my body. My chores don’t get done but I am so tired of not feeling good. My fatigue level is high. I am upset because I worked so hard to get out of this rut and here I am again. I am trying to deal with the idea that these periods will happen because it is a CHRONIC illness. But it’s hard to adjust

 

“In the Heart of the Free World”

I thought about giving up the other day. I was tired and I had gotten a lot of flak for my opinions on pop culture (of all things!). This song played in my head and I remembered I wasn’t trapped in Russia like some people. I could choose as I always have to ignore people who are mean because they don’t like the minority opinion. I am me and I don’t have to like what everyone else does.

 

“Spinning like a Gravitron When I was just a kid”

With all that is going on in my life, I am stuck in one of depressive spirals. It’s not as bad as some instances but my fatigue isn’t making it better. In some sense I am happy but have too much stress. It’s clear when you look at my habits when I’m in a depressive mood; I get obsessive. At this point, it’s reading (especially all the Rick Riordan novels) and Final Fantasy XV. They keep my mind of the bad stuff and one glace at my Facebook and you can see the obsessiveness. Lol

 

“I’ve Forgiven It All”

I’m not mad at my exes. But I am working on wishing them a happy life. I know I can check off all but one of them (but that’s another story}.

What I have realized is that I don’t like the idea that my exes think I might care. Interestingly, I was commenting on a mutual friend’s Facebook where she was paired with Captain America. She was talking about how he was too goody goody for her. My ex then comes in and says something about him being a Nazi (that is Being erased this May and it never happened so ha!). To any other person I would have replied “shut your dirty filthy mouth” but since he was an ex I wondered if he thought I was angry at him still as opposed to the Nazi. I decided not to post but that’s when it occurred to me, that I wish them well but I don’t want them to think I actually care about them. Is that a paradox?

 

“I Refuse to Look Back Thinking Days Were Better Just Because They’re Younger Days”

So I was in the shower the other night and having an objective look at my past. For every great memory, there is a cringe worthy moment. I truly realize that things were never perfect, just different. I am not enjoying now enough because it is different. So the focus going forward is to celebrate the different.

 

“We Can Never Go Back”

 

Nothing can be the same, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be better.

 

Advertisements

,

1 Comment

Punching the Time Clock~Audrey

I have made a positive start in taking care of my body. I already feel more upbeat and healthy. Now If I can just keep it up!

Keeping to my bodies’ schedule

The first step was to embrace my body’s time clock. I am a night owl. I stay up late and sleep late. It was really bad for a while because the pain was so bad, I couldn’t sleep even when I needed to. My treatments have helped that. Now I just have to embrace the way my body is.

So my new schedule is this:

  • Get home from work
  • Walk with the cat
  • Fix dinner
  • Relax; read my bible; create
  • Exercise and chores when my second wind hits
  • Take a quick shower
  • Read a book for fun; color
  • Into bed with a comfortable movie to fall asleep to

 

This really seems to work well. It boosts my mood before bed and helps me get my work out. I feel less tired as I embrace that I get going again at 7:30/8:00. I have accepted my weirdness and embraced it in a way that benefits me highly.

 

Being health and happy

The next step was making me happy. Exercise does not make me happy. I hate it! I don’t enjoy it. I enjoy walks with Tig. I enjoy SITTING out in nature.  I also hate doing chores. I finally made a schedule where I did one chore each day. But I never looked forward to it. I always felt too tired. Plus I was already down emotionally. The election is making me so sad that I have had to remove myself from it and bring back my boy band music (It always makes me feel better!).

Then I had a brilliant idea. I popped a 5ive CD into the BluRay player and started to rock out while I washed dishes. I had found the way to get exercise and get stuff done. It made me smile and I enjoyed self. So now I pop in my fave music and get my cardio on!

Not beating myself up

The last step is an important one. It is very important  for people with chronic illness but it is something that everyone needs to understand: sometimes were just can’t do it all and that is ok. There are days I just don’t feel good enough to dance because I’m in pain (but I will try) or chores don’t get done. I just double up when feel up to it. I also need rest days and, even though I have scheduled them, sometimes they come on different days. And it’s ok because this empowers me. Saying no but not giving up, accepting who I am. It’s already made  a difference on me both mentally, physically, and spirutally.

 

 

 

, ,

Leave a comment

Let Me Show You My True Colors~Audrey

This year I did something a little different. I usually pick one song that resounds to me and then make goals based on what God was saying through those words. This year, for some reason, I didn’t feel like one anthem really encompasses everything I am struggling with. So there is one over all anthem (true Colors by Kesha) but then one song for each goal.  Read along for each song that haunts me and what God wanted me do with it.

 

“With all the blood I lost with you, it drowns the love I thought I knew”

My Blood- Ellie Goulding

8e2afcd7627060a35881711e8d958ff9

I feel like I shouldn’t have to add my health into my goals but this song has always stirred feeling about my body and my sickness. I have gotten over at being angry at my body, which is what these lyrics represent.  But I must learn to be positive even when I feel like I am slipping backwards. My biggest problem is when I have a flare. When I get sick or start hurting because I get a setback. I can’t handle that. It’s something I plan to work on this year

 

“I tried to call you buy you wasn’t around”

Hear Me Now-Five

When I first started my goals, I always included being touch with my friends. I have lost friends many for stupid reasons to let things that I can control get in the way.  Then that goal trickled away, and I can see the aftermath. I will not let that happen. I will reach out and I will reconnect with the ones I lost because sat around twiddling my thumbs. I will work hard not to let others fade away as well.

 

“Don’t turn over the page”tumblr_obssnaq3cq1sjta83o1_500

Fake It, Bastille

This song has encouraged me to think about starting over. There is one person who this applies to, and I’m not sure what God wants me to do with this one. I first have to accept that I am starting over and then truly go with how God wants it without a secondary agenda.  So help Lord, turn over the page.

“Back when we were kids”

Kids-OneRepublic

I have a habit of looking back at scrapbooks and feeling stupid for the men I dated and the friends I had; I may have forgiven them but I still haven’t forgiven myself. I need to work on this and embrace the god times I had.  I made major process when I pulled out the scrapbook of my friend’s wedding. They aren’t together anymore and I was worried about it: how it would affect me and how it might affect her that I had it. But looking through it, it was a testament to the strong bonds of friendship with all but one photo focuses on celebrating her and our close group of friends. It was a love story- just not the one I thought it would be. It was ours. And friends shouldn’t be ashamed of their love stories.

 

 th3ajpys29We’ve got to let go of all our ghosts”

Send My Love- Adele

While the “Kids” goal is to forgive myself, this goal is to continue my healing process about those who hurt me. I have worked hard at forgiving others who have wronged me. I haven’t gotten to the point where I am actually wishing them well. I’m one step on forgiveness, apathy. I thought that was the end. But it’s not and I have to finish the process.

“I’m hanging on to the end of this rope”

Lonely Town- Brandon Flowers

It seems like I am always battling my depression. It’s not a constant but frequent enough. I am very frustrated to have to even add this in my goals. But when I have those episodes, I need to do better to pull myself out. You’ve seen goals before that help this: to write, to craft, to do things that make me happy. This year I am focusing on a better plan to deal when these episodes can’t be prevented (and this will always happened; that is the biggest struggle).

“Let it all go. Set it all free.”

The Veil- Peter Gabrielpeter-gabriel-the-veil

I am not myself very openly. I work in a place where I worry about what others think. I said I would give up on that a long time ago yet I worry about my job and how people won’t think I can do it because I don’t believe the same things they do. I watched Snowden and was upset with myself. This guy gave up a cushy job, great pay and a home in paradise to expose the truth, and I sit behind my computer and hide from portion of the world I know will judge me. I talk about integrity but I don’t always follow it. This is just simply not acceptable. This year I will lift the veil (slowly) and know that God is on my side.

, ,

1 Comment

I Swear I Live~Audrey

I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
With every broken bone
I swear I lived

“I Lived” OneRepublic

This year was the year of doing. Let see what action Goals I completed.

Travel to another country

IMG_9889.JPG

Went to Ukraine so Check!

 

Get paid for writing

simplified-logic-model

Got paid a percentage of the grant I wrote! Check!

 

See a show

fabric-letter-x

Not a chance this year to see the kind I wanted to see. (I have seen all kinds of things so I had one particular in mind)

 

Walk a mile

IMG_2310.JPG

Check! It took like an hour and I was last in the group but I can do it!

Read the New Testament

new_testament

 I am on track for having this finished by the end of the year!

Speak conversational Russian

IMG_9840.JPG

I speak pre-school level. I know yes, no, colors, and the like.

 

Loose ten pounds

14125080_10154503984342171_9132412305379117927_o

Check! Then I gained it all back. Uncheck

 

, , ,

2 Comments

Kirill~Audrey

This is the first of a set of three stories about specific children that touched my heart during my mission trip.

 

On our first full day at the orphanage, I sat down at the craft table with the children. I sat next to a cute little boy who was so excited to show me his art work. They were using IMG_9499punch outs to create a cute little basket of flowers. As he glued his flowers to his sheet, he would peak at me and see if I was watching. Then he proudly displayed to me his finished art. I was lovely and I told him so.

I didn’t think much of the exchange. I went about the rest of my day. I went out side with
the kids and enjoyed being with them. He and several other children wanted to hold my hand as we walked to a nearby playground. Once again, I didn’t think much of it; there were new people and all the kids want to be around them. We were a novelty, and I didn’t think much about interacting with certain children or forming a particular bond (except one kid; but that’s another story). But that day meant a lot to Kirill.

That afternoon, after nap time, when I walked into the room, he came flying into my arms. This happened every time I came in. He would sit with me often and join groups I was playing in. I was so surprised by him. I hadn’t done anything special: I hadn’t made an inside joke with him and I hadn’t gone out of my way to do anything special for him.

But I think that is the point. Children just want someone in their life who is attentive and will give love. I didn’t do anything other than be part of his life and give him positive encouragement. This something the orphans don’t get. And they aren’t the only ones. This small story is just a big reminder that everything we do affects those around us. We have to remember to be good to one another; one small gesture can change someone’s life or change their perspective.

In the case of Kirill, he just needed someone to sit beside him and encourage him. I am so blessed to be have been one of the team members on this mission trip and to be able to do this for him.  Not only did he need it, but I did too.

If you would like to find out more about Bridges of Faith please visits: http://www.bridgesoffaith.com/

And if you are interested in making a tax-deductible donation to BOF in my name to continue my domestic ministry work , please contact audrey@bridgesoffaith.com, donate on-line (mention my name) or send checks to 302 County Road 383, Billingsley, AL 36006. Thank you for your support!

 

, , ,

Leave a comment

Mission Trip: A Retrospective ~Audrey

I really expected that when I stepped off the plan in Kiev, I would feel like a stranger in a strange land, that my I would feel like a totally different person.

I am, of course, referring to my trip to Ukraine earlier this month as a missionary working

IMG_9469

The view out my plan window on the way to Amsterdam. with young children in an orphanage.

I had envisioned being overwhelmed and scared in a place where I didn’t know the customs or the language. I wasn’t too concerned with these feeling as I prepped; I had to worry about my health more and reserved any nervousness for the airport for my first international flight. I had visions of security hell and bureaucratic red tape (every story ever told me magnified by ten). While there was an issue in Atlanta, that was cleared up after ten minutes, and I never had another spot of trouble even when I flew home all by myself 9 days later.

Many will give a variety of reasons: I was at least familiar with the sounds of the language, I was with a group of people I knew and trusted, the landscape was somewhat similar to what I was used to. But I stand by this: I felt at home because I was where God was calling me to be. The first day was tough health wise, but I quickly learned from my own mistakes and made it through the week (I did suffer when I got home; my body was ready to shut down for a day to catch up lol).I was in Ukraine for a purpose, to reach out to his children who had been left frightened and alone. Because I stepped out in faith, he kept me safe and eased my path. In fact, I am still reaping benefits and rewards from him for stepping out in faith.

Getting on this trip was pure faith. I had to raise funds and didn’t quite reach my goal. My job graciously made it so I could go, and I will continue to pay them back with money and hard work. Getting my passport proved challenging but then it came back quickly and with no issues (two weeks!!). Everything started rough but easily smoothed out.

IMG_9537

In Ukraine with old friends and New

I will admit that while I was there was some struggle. I felt like I wasn’t spending enough time with the children and that I wasn’t being helpful enough. I was frustrated with my illness and how it limited me. But about half way through, I understood: God has sent me on the easy trip because he knew I needed it. He made sure I was on the trip that was the least taxing to my body. I had heard stories about lack of sleep and comfortable beds and even bathrooms. So I stopped complaining in my journal and in my head.

When I came back everyone wanted to know what my favorite part was. This is the most difficult question: I didn’t know. I loved the food, the orphanage, the city, the people, the kids, the culture. But in the end it was the passion for my work that was my favorite part. God used the trip to solidify the thoughts I have always had about my talents and he rekindled my passion for children. The normalness and the use of my gifts was the best part. It was like home away from home and I loved it.

Stay tuned for my next entries cataloging events within my trip and stories about the children.

If you would like to find out more about Bridges of Faith please visits: http://www.bridgesoffaith.com/

And if you are interested in making a tax-deductible donation to BOF in my name to continue my domestic ministry work , please contact audrey@bridgesoffaith.com, donate on-line (mention my name) or send checks to 302 County Road 383, Billingsley, AL 36006. Thank you for your support!

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

But Until My Moment Comes~Audrey

“Hope that you spend your days,

but they all add up
And when that sun goes down,

hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness

all your joy and all your pain”

 “I Lived,” OneRepublic

 

This year is the year of doing. Hears a mid-year(ish) check in!

Leaving for Ukraine Tomorrow!!

3677_971302930334_305056792760038753_n

Received payment for writing grants so that’s half way done!

cs-wholesale-grocers_416x416 

 

See a show-Not yet

Spotlight_750X400-750x400

Walk a mile throughout the entire day! Now to see if I can make it one mile at a time!

250px-mile_marker_1-svg

Reading the New Testament is right on schedule

new_testament

Speak conversational Russian-uh, er, I know some vocabulary words! lol

76341

Have four more of ten pounds to loose

10-pound-dumbbell

, , ,

Leave a comment