And I’m On My Way~Audrey

Year Seven is already over! I don’t feel ready or prepared! I’m not where I want to be. But let’s look at my goals; maybe I did more than I Though

Here’s to the ones we’re waiting on, and the ones we lost.
“Lost And Found”, Train

1. Writing/blog

I failed on my blog. I’ve only done one or two for my chronic illness advocacy. But I haven’t not been writing. OUtside of writing grants I have been writing book reviews. In fact, last week I was accepted by the International Review of Books to become a paid reviewer! I also won a copy of the Byline Bible which walks me through getting a personal essay published; that’s my next goal.

2. Exercise

I still struggle with this one. The cats and I still go for walks but for a while, I suffered from depressions, then pain but I forced myself to get back out. While I need the exercise, I need to get out in nature. I feel better and it’s the time I commune with God the most. So even though I kept stopping, I kept starting and that’s what’s important.

3. Be Myself

I work with conservative Christians. I walked a line to respect them without compromising my own beliefs. BUt without discussing them how could I stay true to them! I couldn’t just say silent. I had to speak up to say God loves the transgender! I had to be nice but I don’t have to hide. I like Game of Thrones; I’m not gonna hide. I’ll pull out m my Fire and Blood apperal at work here and there (we are very casual). I wasn’t going to let others’ offenses stop me. You don’t like my ideas. Fine. But this is me. Please respect me liek i repsect you even if Idon’t agree wih you.

 

God, I’m running for Your heart.
“Soul On Fire”, Third Day
4. Spiritual

5. Take A Leap Of Faith

Take a leap of faith didn’t look like I imagined. I thought I would go on an Emmaus Walk and get to truly know God. Then he might have something big for me.  Boy did he. We are having financial trouble where I work.  I am putting my faith into a leap for another job and finding a place to live. I know he has a plan; I just wish it was going faster. lol

I think it’s time to practice what I preach.
“Learn to Let Go”, Kesha

6. Forgive Myself

This is always a work in progress. I am stuck between meek because people say I too blunt to being too blunt because I think I am being run over. But I love who I am. If I am blunt it means I respect you and will give you the truth. If I have lied to you, I don’t like you and don’t care for your respect. I love that I have such love for people.  But I have been working on self-love this year. It has been hard because I have had to forgive myself for past relationships. I have had to allow myself to make mistakes and not beat myself afterward. I have worked on forgiving my body because each time there is a new health issue, I grieve all over again. I am not a bad person. I have a great heart and God loves me sharp corners and all.

7.Spread the Love

I don’t remember what I had in mind at the being but I have tried to share the love. Encouraging my friends when I could. I tried to use my Christianity to show love. I felt like I accomplished it when I worked with a transgender orphan. Everyone wanted to change them; I just showed them love.  I just want people to my Christianity in the love I give as Jesus taught us. I am also working on forgiving; I have been heavy with dealing with forgiveness and closure from the past. To forgive is love. I’m not going back to the situation but I will choose love over hate. So overall,  I think I did well but I will keep showing love.

Renee

I haven’t blogged for Rad7even in months and that makes me sad. So I have decided until the end of this I will blog like we originally designed once a week until Sept 11th.

This week has been filled with so many challenges and successes I am unsure as to where to start. One thing I feel like I am finally getting the hang of, is not letting co-parenting take over my like. There was a point in time if there was conflict (either overt or covert) that I would sit with those negative feelings for weeks.  I am finally learning to compartmentalize and deal with stuff as it comes instead of pre and post worrying about something or how something will be perceived . I simply live. I know that may sound like a no-brainer, but for someone who actively and constantly overthinks and has for quite some time…this has been a saving grace for me.

I have been challenged in my faith, finances and field of study this year. It has been a year of growing pains that aren’t quite over, but I am still here. For that I am grateful. When we originally started this blog we used to also initiate a challenge for each week. My challenge this week will be sit and be still. I watch a ton of tv, I always have something going on. For the next week I will just sit, think, read and reflect.

I need some answers and I can’t seem to hear the response.

See ya in 7! 

 

Going Home – Renee’

Saturday, April 7th Lennon and Darren were dedicated to God, in my home church. It had been years since I had been back but… it felt so good to be there. All the kids I used to teach in Sabbath School were either now teens or young adults. The elders of the church recounted all the stories from my youth. Everyone was so excited to see me… and my now expanded family.

Bethany raised me and it was glad to see so many familar faces who cheered me on in Christ.

Two things stuck out the most, 1》 how many people joined us for the occasion. Great-grands, grands, great aunts, uncles, Godmother and God-grandmother… when LaDarren and I stood up there was an entire tribe standing with us. It was beautiful. My boys all four not just those being dedicated have so much love and support.

2》 The second thing that stood out was Pastor Watson’s sermon. He spoke about God’s Grace and started out with the Scripture about King David and how he was looking for someone in the House of Saul to be kind to.

Pastor went on to talk about God’s unmerited favor and how some people walk around like they’ve never needed God’s grace or like they never recieved it. He spoke a bit on how some in the church would not adequately or fairly deal with those who may have fallen short.

It reminded me of when I found out I was pregnant with Daniel. I completely left my church. I just felt like with everything going on with his dad I couldn’t deal with anything remotely negative. So i left. I dont know if it was the right thing to do or not because when I came back after giving birth I was welcomed back and and I chose to rebaptise myself (with my brother Josh so it was extra special).

Going back to Bethany made me realize yet again the importance of a church home, remember one of my goals is to find a church. There’s nothing like being in fellowship with other believers and while yes, none of them are perfect, just like you’re not perfect either. It is good to surround yourself with people tryingto get right and do right.

We had professional pictures taken and I’ll update this post when I get those back. Until then…

 

Be blessed!

 

 

But Life is for Leading~Audrey

“We can celebrate the highlight”
“Lost And Found”, Train

1. Writing/blog

This hasn’t been going well. But IU had a major depression. You read more about it in my blog “Sloth”.  I am still doing book reviews and I am contemplating changing my movie review blog into a book review blog. That might be better for me

2. Exercise

This one isn’t going as well either. I have been a dark period and having extra issues with my health. I have to get in the mind set that I can do exercise that fits into my days.

3. Be Myself

I have been better at this. While, there are some subjects that shouldn’t be broached, I am trying to be myself., Me a nerd. Let out my weird sense of humor. I am also actively working on my self confidence which will help me immensely in this goal.

“Lord, restore the joy I had”
“Soul On Fire”, Third Day

4. Spiritual

I have been reading my Bible, focusing on Psalms this year. But I take a time each night to read my bible and study other books to grow in knowledge. I have tried to be more in the moment. I have when I pray I end up in Stage 1 &2 sleep, so now I am looking into meditation with my eyes open to counter act this. I want to be in the moment, not fall asleep

5. Take A Leap Of Faith

My life is pretty much a leap of faith. All kidding aside, I have not presented with such a scenario. I think I need to pray for the opportunity more.

“Always whispering, “It’s all your fault””
“Learn to Let Go”, Kesha

6. Forgive Myself

Coming out of last year’s depression was a big help in this area. When I finally saw clearly, I brushed aside what I did and started over. I forgave myself for being in that place. It has help me move and do better. So knowing I can forgive myself for something that just happened, gives me hop I can forgive myself for something that happen a long time ago.

7.Spread the Love

I’ve been wrapped up a lot in myself and not been there so much to reach out to others that don’t live close to me. I am natural very loving and have done small and big things for others just because they needed it so at least I am being an example on how to love those close to you physically. But I’ve dropped the ball on my distance friends.

I Forgive Me-Renee`

I haven’t written much in the past few months, It’s been such a hectic time. I feel like some of my journey has been a bit watered down the past few months. When I first started this journey I believe the level of transparency was vitally important to really growing in Christ.

Today will be a very transparent day. As many may know I started Rad7even as a single momma to an amazing (at that time) 15 month old son. Fast forward and I now have an almost 8 year old. I’ve never once regretted being a single mom. It was a choice because his father and I were never together and I knew that even as magical and wonderful as my Daniel would be… he would not be the solution to a relationship that hadn’t been already fostered.

I knew the journey would be hard, but I thought it would be hard for different reasons. Parenting is hard. Period. LOL so I knew that would be a bit of a challenge. But as it turns out co-parenting has proven to be the real source of difficulty for me. I honestly didn’t suspect that..I know. I know how naïve of me. But I really believed that since there weren’t too many emotions between his father and I that we would be able to co-parent fairly seamlessly.

Not quite. It’s really hard to get on the same page with someone that you don’t understand and in turn that has caused some communication pitfalls that for whatever reason I have not been able to overcome. And left my sweet boy asking some tough questions that I don’t have answers to. I can only speak for myself. I can’t even begin to explain why someone does whatever or doesn’t do whatever. But it definitely has had me down on myself. Like I totally didn’t pick a great situation to bring such a special kid into.

I struggle with forgiving myself, because my decision affects him. No matter how much I think I have grown as a mother I can’t answer for the other biological side of him. It’s a gift I can’t give him. He has an absolutely wonderful relationship with my husband. In fact, he’s been the most consistent male factor his whole life. My husband has been in his life since he was 18 months old.

Looking back over the past 9 years (pregnancy and birth) of my first born son; should be colored with way more beautiful moments than not and honestly they are. I have to be able to forgive myself. No. Having a baby not in marriage. Not in a committed relationship with someone who will love on that child regardless of the status of your future. It’s been tough. But today. I forgive me. I forgive me for allowing a situation with my own father affect my decision making. I forgive me for staying in an unhealthy situation longer than I needed to. I forgive me for not giving my son the biological father that he needs and honestly deserves.

I will choose to only speak my truth and not search for the answers that someone else will need to answer for later. I can only do my part. My part is to love on my baby and love on myself while I walk into newfound freedom.

 

I am free….

Listen to this song that gives me so much peace Daddy’s Home

Sloth~Audrey

My deadly sin? Sloth.
Let me make something clear: fatigue isn’t the same as sloth. Depression isn’t the same as sloth. Sloth is letting things get nasty and being lazy without reason. It becomes apathy with no excuse.
I just realize that I have transitioned out of depression into sloth. The orphans aren’t here. I don’t feel bad. I am just lazy.
So I prayed and got off my butt. For about three days, I had energy, participating in my hobbies and cleaning my house! I made sure to pace myself and was doing great.
Then a flare came, and it all went away. I made myself color and read so I would be doing something and to keep my brain off my pain. But it upset me because I was doing so well fighting sloth. Now I was possibly getting back into the habit..
I am feeling better than I was but I’m not back to normal but the fact that it frustrated me meant that I was still in the spirit to fight sloth. So I am not using this flare as an excuse.
I will pull myself of our deadly sin and keep honoring the Lord!

Sticking Closer Than a Brother-Renee`

The greatest thing about friendship is the ability for a friend to see you. I mean really see you. I don’t mean the arbitrary “hey how are you doing”  “I’m wonderful” play we put on every day for the people around us. I mean the ” I am so worn out right now that I have been on the verge of tears” conversation.

True friendships stand the test of time and trials and one of my longest friendships…we’ve been family.. is with Dani.

Dani and I have literally been best friends since we sat beside each other in Psychology Club back in 2005..2006?? I forget the year but..she’s been here. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. She is the Godmother to all of my boys. She is my first true baby daddy LOL and overall she’s my left-hand girl.

She FINALLY moved close enough for us to see each other on a more regular basis. The crazy part was life kept getting in the way and we were actually seeing each other less than when she lived an hour away. We decided to institute “bestie days” so we would schedule out time to see each other. Well, this past Saturday (February 10th) was supposed to be our first official bestie day and we were going to see the play Color Purple. Two days prior…she lets me know that she entered me into a Valentine’s Day contest…and I won! Now I was shocked, happy..and yes a tinge of guilt hit. One, she really wanted to go see the play and 2) I would be away from the kids for atleast 6 hours. Now that I am working full time I feel bad if I am not with them when I am home. But can I tell you that the week prior had been VERY hard. I was all the way worn out. So… this bestie day and make-over couldn’t come at a better time.

Dani picked me up and we headed to the mall where the transformation would begin. I got styled by StyleMaven, got my hair done and make up done and got to walk the red carpet. It was AMAZING. I got to do it laughing and joking with my best friend and surrounded by black women entrepreneurs. It was so empowering. I can’t thank Dani enough for helping me to really focus on self-care.

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2017~Audrey

With the New Year just starting, I wanted to take a minute to let you know what happened during the past year.

At Bridges of Faith, we had three group of orphans come to Bridgestone. In July, many of the children were from a speclal needs orphnage and I really loved working with them because of my background in teaching those with special needs.

We also had two group of kids stay in private homes to see what living with a caring family is like. The children get to see what it’s like to not have parents who are drunk or violent; ones that care about the kiuds.

But the big news is that 117 chidlren have been adopted since the program started! Two families just got back from Ukraine and many more families are going through the paper work process. Theese are the miracles I see at work: wodnerful children finding a loving forever home.

I also had some big things happen personally as well. I have been on IVIG treatments for my Common Variable Immune Deficiency for two years now. Every three weeks, a nurse comes to my house to administer a treatment that takes four to five hours. This keeps me from constantly getting infections. I have also seen a decrease in pain in my joints as well. My energy levels are great and, though I have bad days, I am doing so much better that I was before treatment.

Besides that milestone, I had a port installed. In July, I went to the Kirkland Clinic to put the port in my chest. This allows me to continue to receive treatments without continuing to do harm to my body. Not only do my veins roll, but that rolling causes them to blow bruising my arms. A lot of the antibodies I was infusing were going to healing the bruised and purple places in my arms. The port is set in a pocket under my skin with a catheter that leads to my carotid artery. Each treatment, we pierce the skin once (it doesn’t hurt much anymore as I am building scar tissue in that spot). We can do treatments, take blood, and do CTs scan with this piece of equipment. It has made treatment easier, faster and less painful. I was able to have this done thanks to generous donors who saw the need for me to have this medical equipment installed.

At home, I have a new addition. I got a new kitten named Iggy. Iggy came to live with Tig and me in June. At first, Tig wasn’t sure wat to think of the little one but the two have become brothers. When we go on walks, Tig always makes sure Iggy is with us and won’t let us leave an area without him.

Iggy is a seal point with a tabby face who loves to run around outside and cuddle. He is about 10 months old now and is a little rascal who spent all Christmas knocking ornaments off the tree. I love him so much! He is so fluffy I could die!

In regards to volunteer work, I acted as the Region 5 Representative for the Professional Association of Therapeutic Horsemanship Intonations. I over saw Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, Tennessee, Puerto Rico (please continue to pray for them; they still don’t all have electricity and horse feed and hay are scarce) and Africa. I enjoy being able to be in the therapeutic horseback riding world even though I am not an active instructor.

Thank you for all your support this past year! I could have not have made it without your prayers, love and monetary support! Here’s to another great year!

Epilepsy the dreaded “E” Word -Renee’

Writing is therapeutic for me so…here I am writing in the midst of a confusing and trying time again.

This radical Seven Journey has captured all of my trials with Daniel and his epilepsy journey. No matter how many seizures he has I will NEVER get used to them.

It’s incredible how quickly things change. Yesterday, Daniel complained a little bit of feeling dizzy before school (which he does from time to time with no incidents) we try to listen to him for cues because the older he gets he can communicate when he feels off. We gave him a whole bottle of water, B6, B12 and Magnesium like every morning. He said he felt better. An hour and a half later he had a seizure in the computer lab.

I always, always feel guilty because I’m like should he have gone to school?  He’s usually good about telling me if he can go or not. He said yes but I was unsure even then. This time it happened in front of his class. This is the first time thats happen. He had a dizzy spell before but never a full on seizure.

He’s always scared after because he can’t control when or if they happen. How awful to live in fear of your own body?

I was able to get him home where he slept for hours  (which is normal) the seizures take a toll. The school nurse checked for fever and he didn’t have one.

When he woke up he ate and was trying to get back to “normal”. But he just didn’t look right. I kept asking him how he felt he responded “awesome” “great” but I knew better. I was cleaning up the house and checking on him every 5 to 10 minutes while he laid on the couch  (he didn’t want to go to his room).

I got an urging from the Holy Spirit to go back and check on him. He was seizing on the couch.

The.worst.sight.ever.

Afterwards he was burning up. He was disoriented he kept hugging me and then pushing me away. He was scared and knew I was a comfort but I don’t think he knew I was “mom” for a few minutes after. He now had a fever of 102. Within 4 hours he developed a fever and had another seizure.

Our neurologist is out of town so I made my second call to the on call neurologist, gave Motrin then Tylenol.

I have some comfort in knowing the last two seizures were caused by fevers ( he had one in December when his fever was breaking). And maybe the one at school was caused by his body trying to fight this illness off.

After a seizure he sleeps with me. I wish I had the power to stop these atracks but i feel better knowing hes near me too. My hubby always understands and makes other accommodations. Maybe I can talk him into that 12 ft bed 🤔 lol.

I’m going to go on a fast to focus o  praying for health, strength and bravery as we face this and other obstacles. I read Ephesians that said God can do more than we think or ask…I need to know what my Father wants from me and Daniel with this.

Anything you need to pray about or for? Remember God can do more than we can think or ask.

 

31 reasons-Renee’

 

Yesterday, I turned 31. It’s hard to believe that I started Rad7even when I was in my early 20s. I’m still here!! I’m so blessed and happy to have this blog to remember alllllll that God has done for me. So today I’m giving 31 reasons or lessons Ive learned that have brought me happiness. Don’t worry I’ll only do 10 at a time.

31. Time is an illusion. We tend to live like tomorrow always comes, but in reality it doesn’t for all of us. We can use this to depress us, put fear in our hearts or motivate us.

30. Being a wife/ mother will not complete you. In fact, it will splinter you even more if you’re not centered. Enjoy the moments and accept the blessing of partnership but dont stress it until you’re whole and healthy.

29. Laugh more. Stop being so serious all the time. Belly laughs are so healing.

28. Go for it! Push past pain and run straight towards your goals.

27. Love someone unconditionally. Love will hurt at times. Remember that all people are fallible and no one is a superhero. Learn to love people as they are.

26. The worst things are survivable. Many times something has happened and I felt like I couldn’t move forward. But I did. If I’m still here it means I can survive at least one more day.

25. Do something for you. There are sometimes weeks that go by without me doing one thing for myself. I’ve learned sometimes…just focusing on me is the best thing I can do for my family. When I feel good I am able to love better.

24. Ask for and receive help. Stop trying to save the world while simultaneously killing yourself.

23. Silence is golden. Take time to be still and focus on what God is telling you.

22. Be creative. Write, dance, sculpt do whatever you like that is a creative output. It brings new energy into your space.

 

See ya next year with some more!