Archive for April, 2014
Hey everyone!! Below is an update on my goals.
1.) To work on my personal appearance.
Update: I’m still working on this goal. I have bought a few items here & there to wear. I want to dress more feminine when I’m out & about.
2.) To declutter my room.
Update: I have decluttered my room some but I still have more work to do.
3.) To work on getting a job in my field.
Update: I’m still working on it. I don’t have a job in my field yet. I have applied to a couple of places here & there. I recently got an account w/ Snagajob so I could do more job searching. I visited the Goodwill Career Center last week & filled out two applications. I also did some job searching.
4.) To work on getting my driver’s license/permit.
Update: I don’t have either. I’ve been practicing my driving skills off & on w/ my cousin. I drove in my apartment’s parking lot a couple of times.
5.) To work more on the College Transition Program and for it to be in full function.
Update: My assistant & I submitted a presentation about the program in February. We worked really hard on the PowerPoint. Our plan is to launch the program in the fall.
6.) To work on reaching out to my friends more.
Update: I have checked on my friends here & there. I’ve been posting videos on their Facebook walls & try to show them that I love them.
7.) To decrease my stress and take more time out for myself to do fun things.
Update: I’ve been doing fun things every now & then. I went to the mall a few weeks ago w/ a friend. Last week, I bought a few things w/ my gift card.
I had inspiration a few weeks ago for a business plan. I mean I was really on fire, super excited and then….i started doing that little self-talk thing. Instead of a pep talk I was doing a “realistic” evaluation of what I could actually accomplish.
If anyone was to ask me what I believe my purpose is I can answer without a shadow of a doubt to help people. I see myself as a bridge. I like to bridge ideas, plans, people and resources together to create a new environment or thought process. I have a dream to take the idea of HIS and make it a global community. I see there are tons of personal coaches and life gurus that can tell people how it’s done, but I see my vision being very different. I don’t think we really have experts in life; I think we have those who things have worked for and those who have been too afraid to try and then those somewhere in the middle. There’s alot that goes into success and the biggest factor I see is support. Even if the entire world tells you, no, if you have someone in your corner cheerleading you on it helps you stay focused. I know this to be a fact, because I look at the ministry of HIS and I do consider it a ministry. All these women from various backgrounds, belief systems, families, educational backgrounds and ethnicities coming together to support one another (genuinely) wanting the best for one another..how awesome is that? What an incredible sisterhood! Why would I not want to share that concept with the world?
I do! The issue is…I constantly say, well..I mean who would want to listen to little ol’ me. Even though I think I bring value to the table..I am not there yet.What is “there”…well there is, my bills aren’t paid off, I rent, I am still figuring out what I want my career to look like..the list could go on and on. I have more question marks than answers so how in the world can I encourage someone to do something that I am still sitting on the sidelines about? I cant!
This is why I have to get off the sidelines. I have been very open about my struggles at the new job. Struggling occupationally or academically has almost never happened to me. Honestly most things come pretty easy to me and I think I took that for granted. This entire 6 months has been an eye opening experience for me. I’ve grown in great ways, but then I have also allowed my confidence in my ability to waver. The greatest thing that came out of this..was forced humility. Just like when I lost Baby Smith, it was a reminder that everything even the very essence of life is a gift from God. We cannot number our days or the events of those days.
As someone who is a planner and as someone who is sometimes disillusioned to think that I am “together”, those have been very hard lessons for me. Dealing with abandonment from my father and just this weird mini identity crisis has had me so unfocused (at a time where it is critical to be focused).
I hope to launch an additional blog to this one which will go through the process of me opening up my own empowering business..I have no title yet or structure. My goal is to get the groundwork laid before the next Rad Year cycle rolls around. I genuinely want people to obtain their God-given greatness. In order to do that I have to boldly walk into my own God-given greatness.
One step at a time,
Friday night TV night
Cuddles in the night
Shekh ma shieraki anni
Jalan atthirari anni
Hey everyone! Today, it is two years that I’ve been single. I can definitely say that being single isn’t easy (the struggle is real lol). I have definitely came across some foolishness regarding guys! Lol! Two years ago, I had to walk away from a relationship for my own sanity. I wasn’t getting what I needed from the person I was with so I broke up with him. That was a really hard decision for me to make. I felt alone a lot of times in my last relationship. I felt as if I was putting in more effort in the relationship than he was. I just got tired of trying to work it out and arguing. The relationship was also long distance so that was difficult too.
I thought by now that I would be in a relationship with someone. I know now isn’t the proper for a relationship for me though. Gasp! lol! I have things within myself I need to work on. I have to get to a place where I can be emotionally available to be in a relationship again. So right now I’m doing friendship because that all I can offer and do at this moment. I’m going to be honest, I struggle w/ giving new people a chance. I always wonder what the intentions of people are. I know that’s not good to do but I’m very selective w/ who I let in my life. I know that I have to give someone a chance but I haven’t met too many guys that I feel deserve the opportunity to really date me. I want to date w/ the intent to marry. I’m 26 yrs old. I don’t have the time to be w/ someone temporarily. I want my next relationship to lead towards marriage. I don’t want my time to be wasted on anyone.
Here is a list of what I wanted my potential guy to be like: 1.) He need to be a Christian, 2.) he has to be consistent, 3.) he must make me a priority, 4.) he can’t be controlling or manipulative, 5.) he can’t be abusive, 6.) respect my celibacy, 7.) be a good communicator, 8.) he has to be responsible/mature, 9.) has goals, 10.) have an active prayer life, 11.) knows how to lead, 12.) be respectful, 13.) knows how to manage money, 14.) family oriented, 15.) he is a man of his word, and 16.) he must be willing to wait until marriage to have sex. I know it sounds like a lot but I think it is pretty reasonable! Please pray that God will continue to keep me while I wait on the person he has for me. God bless!
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind- Romans 12:2
I have always wanted to be well liked and I have always wanted to be seen as a nice person. This has caused me to laugh at things that I did not think were funny, to bite my tongue when I really wanted to speak and smile through things that I should have confronted head one. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be agreeable that I think I lost who I am. I have learned how to be proper in public, but I haven’t learned to be comfortable in not being liked. The truth is…there will be people in this world that don’t like you. They may be co-workers, classmates or even family. If you spend so much of your time trying to win people over who have already decided that..they simply don’t like you…you waste so much time. Time that could have been spent building and maintaining relationships with those who actually deserve (and most importantly) want your time.
I have spent the past few months trying to fit into a situation that I never did feel that was 100% the best decision for me. I’ve spent so much time second-guessing myself and trying to prove myself that I literally ran myself ragged. And you know what..even after all of that…my best still was not good enough for this situation. So all of my effort…was for naught.
I finally had an epiphany…it’s ok. It’s ok that I don’t fit where I thought I would. it’s ok that even though I have tried a million different ways to be positive and bring my best to the table that it was still being perceived as something else. We are not here to change people’s minds. We are here to represent Christ to the best of our abilities and listen to His voice of reason and wisdom. Not to convince people of your worth. You are worthy simply because God chose you. He chose you to do a marvelous work, one that will not need anyone else to co-sign it. It will be a direct partnership between you and Him. I am thankful for this situation, because it has pushed me into a direction that I would have never considered if everything was going well. It has reignited desires for my dreams that I had long ago abandoned. I have decided to stick to being my authentic self so opportunities that arise will be directly related to my true purpose. If i keep pretending that everything is ok, when it’s not…I won’t walk into my destiny. I will walk into some fabricated counterfeit path that I created for myself by not being honest. No more. No more smiles when it’s not needed. No more fake laughing at jokes to fit in. I will continue to be kind…but I will do so being authentically me. And I don’t need anyone’s permission to be me 🙂
I have decided to stop trying so hard to be liked. I will continue to work hard, but it is a waste of my energy to try to work harder on getting people to like me. I just need to walk in my purpose and watch God bring people to the table that need to be here. Every time I let go, God restores. This happened with the creation of HIS and even with my marriage. The moment I stopped trying to force things (relationships, conversations, finding a new place to live etc). It all fell into place. So…I release everything to my Heavenly Father and will allow Him to do as He pleases. Excited to see where this will go.
Radical moment: I reached out to a friend that I had not spoken to in quite some time. I wrote about this in a post in year 2. I realized that I did not communicate my true feelings with this individual and wanted to clear the air. I am glad that I did. I even reached out to my grandmother who I hadn’t spoken to in awhile as well. I am really trying to work on communication and stop being so dang passive aggressive about my emotions. This emotional health goal might be extended for the rest of my life, but I am glad and proud of myself for the steps that I have taken in this area. I have much more peace in my life.
Smiling (for real)